Nothing

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For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Nothing.
Nothing, photographed against a white background.

Something about Nothing

Before reading this article, it is necessary to explain what nothing is. Nothing does not exist, that is to say, something that is nothing doesn't not exist, or to put it another way, nothing is something. Otherwise, you couldn't be thinking about it.

Nothing' is nothing that cannot be explained because there is nothing to explain about nothing. Except that Nothing has a thing for Everything. Nothing is an A+. Nothing is also amazing answer and it is used everywhere so if it's nothing then why are we talking about nothing since there is nothing to talk about? Nothing started when nothing began, so if something is beginning consider it as nothing, it will delight you greatly. You must also remember that nothing is also something, so you can consider it as both nothing and something. If nothing is happening you get depressed, but if something is happening you get even more depressed when that something finishes. Sometimes this leads to suicide which can also be considered as nothing because it takes time, and if time is something it is also nothing. So if you're reading this article you must be either bored or nothing, which can also be something. If you want to be nothing you must leave the universe, which means that you will be something in nothing and the things inside of the universe will consider you as a something that is nothing at all, others may want to join you and become a something in nothing or nothing in something that we know nothing about, and if we know nothing about that something we therefore know something about it and that something is nothing.

The reasoning above, once read, will cause you brain to melt and trickle out of your ears in little plops. Have a fun time trying to get it back in, or understand the rest of the article. Happy 'Weasel Stomping Day'!

But we must remember what was said earlier, nothing is something, so you must say both nothing and something when using either nothing or something in a common sentence. To achieve this almost impossible task, we do this something the American way; by simplifying nothing (or something). For example we can join both nothing and something together to form "some-nothing-thing". The word "some-nothing-thing" is to be used as something and nothing because something is nothing and nothing is something. This something (or nothing) will be a required word added to each sentence of either something or nothing and as i just said something is two things because something is nothing. We could do the logical something by using the word "everything" as both something and nothing instead of somenothingthing and that will make everything a 4 worded word. And if everything is everything including nothing and something (or somenothingthing) each word is a 4 worded word regardless of if it is referring to a thing, nothing, something, somenothingthing and everything. Because of this the entire English language will have to be changed. This new English language; which is something and therefore as I have said earlier it is nothing, somenothingthing and everything; can be called 'English Somenothingthing'. To conclude this meaning of somenothingthing which is nothing and something and everything, if you add it up Everything contains 8 words due to the change in the English language.

For the most simplistic yet most explainable explanation of "Absolute Nothing", see the essay "Berashith" by A. Crowley (which can be found easily online).

An example of Nothing[edit]

Here are some great examples of nothing (now that's something)

Nothing recipes[edit]

Flat Nothing
Take out a rolling pin. Roll it across the table. Serves no one.

Nothing on a Stick Acquire a stick. Stick it in your nothing. Bake for approximately 0 seconds at room temperature. Take the stick out of the nothing, and eat nothing. Yum! Nothing Stir-Fry
On a saucer, wave a wooden spoon around. Enjoy.

Nothing Delight
On a clean plate, twirl your fork for a few seconds. Enjoy. (Serves 1)

Nothing Like It
Break all of your plates except for one of them, then take out the last one. (Serves 3)

Nothing Quite Like It
Break all of your plates, then drive to the store where you buy all of your kitchenware, and break all of their plates. (Serves 1)

Crispy Nothing
Heat a pan on the stove to 450 degrees for 1 minute, then preheat your oven to 350 degrees, making sure nothing is inside. After 10 minutes, open your oven. Wait until your house is in equilibrium with the oven. (serves 5)

Nothing Double Decker
In between two slices of sandwich bread, wave your hand twice, holding one of the slices 7 inches above the other. (Serves 2)

Nothing Upside-Down Cake
Turn pan over.


Such tasty delights, these treats will keep you hungry for more or less. Yum!

Nothing on You
Place air on yourself.

Nothing Too Hot
Take a large knife and place it on a plate. Then place oil and a soda can on the plate. Heat in the microwave for 2 minutes or in an oven set at 650 degrees. It's like a massive explosion of flavor leaving a permanent burn on your tongue, and an essence of the ashes of delight in your home.

Nothing to drink
Take a cup. pretend to drink something.

Nothing on the Barbee
Buy a BBQ. then take out a spatula. Wave it back and fourth over the BBQ. Serves 0.

Kentucky Fried Nothing
Go to Kentucky. Throw some air in the frier for 0 minutes set at 0 degrees. No more KFC.

The Nothing Diet:

Eat nothing.

This is our famous diet program which has helped many people to regain their long absent youthful self-image. This much publicized diet can help you lose weight, help you save money, save time by reducing trips to the restroom, reduce clothing costs by allowing you to "retro-fit" into your old clothing, even save space in your compact car.

Of course, there are more possible benefits than the obvious personal benefits. Another great use for our diet program is righting the wrongs of history. Use our diet program to make people take notice of your social concern. Many have changed the world or died trying using our great diet program! Please note: If you use our program to adjust the social climate please remember to get a good publicist.

The Nothing Diet is not disgusting unlike some other diet foods, and is comprised of natural organic material.

This diet is back by popular demand.

Technical problems of Nothing[edit]

Bouncywikilogo9.gif
For those without comedic tastes, the "questionable parody" of this website called Wikipedia have an article about Nothing.
Artist's depiction of Nothing. Except that it is too black, so you cant see the nothing. ARGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!

Nothing is the absence of existence. However, since there is an article about nothing, then obviously there has to be something, right? And then there's the name. Nothing has a name. That name is void. Therefore nothing has a name and therefore since there is nothing in nothing nothing has to be a concept. But that means it is something, but nothing is nothing, it's void, it's empty, there is nothing in it. But there is something there, there is a void. THERE IS A VOID. The void IS THERE. Right THERE in front of you, THERE IS A VOID. IT IS THERE. IT EXISTS!

Nothing is a word it is not a void it is not anything except for a word but that would mean it is something not nothing but nothing is a word to describe well.... nothing. It is not a void and you cannot die and join nothing because if anyone could die and just join nothing then nothing would not have even existed millions of years ago so therefore nothing is as the word states...

nothing. Nothing is nothing yet something all at the same time... HOW DOES THAT WORK???

Just saying the word nothing is doing something. So something is nothing if nothing is something, which unfortunately means nothing isn't really nothing at all


... What you just saw is a blank. There is NOTHING ON THE PAGE except tiny particles of dust on my screen. But that means there IS something on the page. (long sigh). I think I'm going to give up now. I'm going to lay down and die and enter the VOID! But wait! That means that when i enter it, it will no longer be a void, there will be something in it! ME!

This is hopeless. Give it up buddy. you're going to learn nothing from this article. Darn. That means YOU ARE going to learn something. But THAT IS NOT NOTHING! RRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

One version of the story of nothing goes as follows: Nothing started out as an ordinary nothing. However, it was sick of being misnamed so it worked hard, and harder, and harder until it became included in every darn song made by the Beatles. But even this wasn't enough, as it became power hungry and began invading the houses of ordinary people, dressed as encyclopedia sellers, door salesmen, and it also came in the form of pie-eating contest; a form no one saw coming. Nothing soon took over nothing and everything. It became CEO of CBS, which is why that channel has absolutely nothing, and sometimes even less than nothing, which is an incredible feat that ABC is trying to do itself.

Another version of the story of nothing goes like this:

Still others believe the following: Nothing has ever existed, in the sense that “it” hasn’t. Nothing wasn’t always called nothing. And at some point there were “intelligent” beings that “doubted, thought, and were”. Doubt was a thing. And they doubted the existence of so many things that virtually nothing escaped their doubt. Since nothing escaped doubt, it was thought that nothing was the only thing that was real. Never did they stop to doubt the thingness of nothing. Really, “it” was nothing, and therefore nothing to doubt. But still, nothing seemed all the more real.

Even more have come to believe this lie: After an eternity of doing nothing, “it” was so well known for “its” accomplishments that nothing was knighted by the Queen of Salmon.

In short, humans cannot comprehend "nothing".

Accept for no one, who is technically someone if you think about it. Kind of like an imaginary friend. See, there's another technical problem!!!

Horacio's Philosophical Implications of Nothing[edit]

Nothing. Except that is is a newspaper article, so is something. AAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Nothing is the absence of existence. The human mind is incapable of comprehending something that doesn't exist, and it could be argued that simply by trying to imagine it we bring an approximation of it into existence, so the only "nothing" that can truly be called "nothing" is "nothing" that no one ever thinks about. Say "nothing" at least ten times, and listen carefully to the sound of it. The word then ceases to mean anything, but not even this nonsense nothing is close to the true nothing that doesn't exist in the minds of men, and ESPECIALLY the minds of women.

To put it simply: Any form of nothing there is - on any level of existence - is "something", only that which is not is "nothing". Or even simpler: nothing does not exist.

Perhaps the simplest definition yet of nothing is this: nothing (n)--the active ingredient in homeopathic remedies.

Corollary (existence proof): You are presently reading all the proof necessary to demonstrate that nothing not only exists but if it did not, humans would be compelled to create it.

Empirical evidence: A statistical approach[edit]

In order to fully comprehend the the ramifications of the following section, please carefully follow the instructions of the following link.

The question about nothing is heavily being disputed among scholars and research scientists. What is this all about???????????? I don't know, anyway, to continue.....Based on statistics research at DumbBell Labs as part of Mathematical Sciences research, and also part of Computer Science research via a "dotted-line" relation a tradition of fundamental research driven by real-world applications going back to Walter Shoe and John Turkey shows that by continuing to focus on data from a host of challenging applications, new ways to think about, look at, and compute with nothing are being formulated.

Traditional statistical tools were used to analyze the wealth of data of nothing . The problem is perhaps most acute in the quest to understand how nothing interact to regulate nothing of loci, or locations around nothing. Such loci are often situated within nothing that participate in the same pathway as nothing being influenced, and a central goal is to understand this network of mutually influential nothingness and loci. Consider piecing together this puzzle for each of the many thousands of nothings and many thousands of potentially influential loci, and the old analytical tools simply can't keep up. In this article of nothing, statisticians and colleagues tackle the challenge with a new approach.

Historical Event[edit]

Historical Marker where nothing happened in 1897.

Recently historians interpreters in collaboration with professional researchers are promoting public awareness about nothing that occurred somewhere in 1897 and its subsequent impact on the modern world. Analysts interviewed about the said event replied "Duhh, What!!?? I don't know! What the fuck is this all about!!". A witness was asked to give his personal testimony and replied : "Well, I was just doing my thing then at exactly between 1 AM and 12 PM, nothing happened."

Nothing - The Chemical Element[edit]

Nothing is an element that defies description, easily the least reactive, and it is virtually impossible to find a contaminated substance. It is recognized by its structure: no electrons orbiting a nucleus of no protons and no neutrons. Its oxidation states are something of a mystery. It has every possible oxidation state imaginable, since there is no element that it can't bond to without being obliterated, yet it has none, since there are no valence electrons for it to share.

The alchemists trick of turning lead into gold may be something of a medieval quackery but the practice of turning Nothing into gold is not only achievable but easy (with the presence of gold)

Ng + Au = Au

In fact when Nothing comes into contact with any substance, Nothing is obliterated. Likewise, when a substance is totally destroyed, Nothing is left. Harmful levels of the element have been detected on planet Earth on multiple occasions. When the Americans dropped the Atom Bomb on Hiroshima, Nothing was left and thus the population became sick. Likewise, in several African nations where Nothing is eaten by the general public, famines usually strike. Nothing is the primary export of the Nothing belt.

Shittium <- Nothing -> Analium
Forcium
^
Ng
v
Telekenisium
Ng-TableImage.png
General
Name Nothing
Symbol Ng
Number 0
Kinkiness moderate to high
Physical Properties
Melting point -0 °C, or maybe -0 °F
Boiling point +0 °C, or maybe +0 °F
Flavor Great
Atomic Weight 0
Known Isotopes Ng-0
Electric Charge 0 eV
Properties Only Real Nerds Understand
Hefner Force 0
Magnetic Domain Sensitivity 0
Oxidation States +0, 0, -0
First Ionization energy -0 kJ/mol
Second Ionazation energy -0 kJ/mol
Elector affinity +0 kJ/mol
Xenobilogical potential
Prototronic value
Iso-ptero-ortotronical protuberation status
Tachyon capability
Tachyon incapablily status
Unified physics using
Tachyon amel-thet field status
Pozitronic matrix capability
Teleinfiltration transphase coordination
Subatomic particle string state

What does nothing look like?[edit]

Nobody knows what nothing actually looks like. If you could see nothing, then you wouldn't be able to see anything at all. Hence, you would be blind, and would not know what anything else looks like to be able to differentiate between nothing and something. Nothing is rumored to look like a plain-white space, but how could this be true if one could see it? It couldn't be, because it's nothing. You could say that nothing is transparent, but if it was, then how would you know if nothing was there or not?

It is much easier to say that nothing looks just like “it” tastes or smells. In fact, nothing looks the same as “it” appears, sounds or feels like.

Riddle about Nothing[edit]

What man loves more than life

Fears more than death or mortal strife

What poor men have, the rich acquire

And all contended men desire

What Misers spend and the Wastrels save

And each man carries to his grave

What would enjoy being sick

And the only thing worse than most chick flicks

Poem about Nothing[edit]

NOTHING LIKE A POEM IS WRITTEN HERE because there's nothing to write. (no, seriously, there IS a poem about nothing, except for reasons that it may be copyrighted, it is not allowed to appear). You'll just have to find the poem about nothing, in hopes that it has not disappeared into nothingness. Good Luck!!! However, we can assure you that it is nothing compared to other poems.

The Ultimate Truth of All Truths[edit]

The ultimate truth in the universe is absolute nothing exists. The only thing that is constant in the universe is absolutely nothing***. Nothing defines nothingness.

It is said "we come from nothing and shall return to nothing". Blame Eric Idle for this, though that Bowie chap with his "ashes-to-ashes" had it pretty much right, as ashes are pretty much nothing (but not actually nothing).

As Douglas Adams observed, with an infinite improbability anything can happen. The reciprocal of this, is that with 100% certainty nothing must happen simultaneously. Spontaneous temporal problems (such as the appearance of a small piece of fairy cake) can arise in this situation. Typically, someone eats this cake, thus rendering it (and the accidental appearance) back to nothing, correcting causality. The Total Perspective Vortex uses this mechanism to point out to the observer that they are, in fact, nothing. In a very big thing, which is also nothing. And then we get to M.C. Escher's etching of the two hands of nothing drawing each other. But that's another article, shurley?

See also a discourse on this by Nothing (0.) itself [1].

Actually, the ultimate truth in the universe is 42, but nothing is a part of everything...so nothing also is the ultimate truth in the universe.

Common Criticisms[edit]

“Exactly the same, Proog! Nothing!”

~ Emo on nothing (to Proog)

Nothing can, and usually does, go terribly, horribly wrong. This commonly results in good things happening, which is logically impossible. 27 out of 30 Beatles agree that nothing should be avoided at all costs.

“Nothing really matters.”

~ Freddie Mercury on nothing


“About much ado.”

~ William Shakespeare on nothing


“War.”

~ Edwin Starr on what is good for absolutely nothing, except to the undertaker

What Isn't Nothing?[edit]

Nothing.

Nothing is the large piece of land commonly known as Russia.

Nothing is nothing if not itself. And it isn't itself, or anything else for that matter, which is the very thing that makes "it" exist. The selflessness of nothing is nothing of note. Due to this notoriety many existentialist works have been written to debunk nothing, and it worked! They have proved that nothing can possibly exist without itself. I don’t know about you, but I’ll take that to the bank! Note too the fact that nothing is in the very same sense that "it" isn't. It naturally follows that nothing is the same wherever you go. This is true in both senses, and creates a certain constant.

Summary[edit]

This page intentionally left blank, because Bastian was too scared to name the childlike Empress in a timely manner. See Never Ending Story.

This Section Has Nothing In It, That's Why I'm Explaining Things In The Title, You See If It Was In The Article It'd Have Something In It Therefore Making Nothing Redundant, But You May Be Thinking "Hey IF Its Nothing Why Doesn't The Title Have Nothing, Well You Were Obviously Thinking Of Nothing When You Found This Article So Keep Thinking It[edit]

Buy Nothing Day[edit]

Buy Nothing Day is a cunning advertising plot, forcing you to buy twice as much the day before, thereby running up and even bigger credit card debt that you can be surcharged for and leaving nothing in your wallet. To compensate for this stroke of bad luck, try some retail therapy.

Nothing in popular culture[edit]

  • There's nothing like a nice tune, is there?
  • There's nothing on TV at the moment, which is why you're on the internet (or you're bored at school or work).
  • According to "The X-Files," "Nothing Important Happened Today."
  • Steve Perry's career, while once something else, is now nothing.

[edit]

Explanation of the previous section[edit]

See how there's nothing at all under the previous section? That's to show what nothing at all is. Therefore, Uncyclopedia does a great job of explaining what nothing at all is.

Not for Nothing, but. . .[edit]

But what happens if you take Nothing and eliminate from it everything that does not exist, and then eliminate Nothing itself? And then eliminate what's not left? What do you have then, flyboy?

Huh?

Something Else.

Situations in which Nothing can be used[edit]

How to see nothing[edit]

  1. Look at this:
  2. Type about:blank in your web browser's address bar.

A Visual of Nothing[edit]

See that's what nothing looks like!!! (to the right)

Dividing by Nothing[edit]

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to divide something by nothing. Whenever you try to divide something by nothing, you will almost certainly get an "ERROR" sign. However, there is a .000000000431% percent chance that you will manage to successfully divide something by nothing, and you will cause a black hole to erupt in the space-time continuum where you are currently sitting. Afterward, this will bring about Armageddon. Therfore, despite the rather low chance that you actually will cause the world to be sucked into oblivion and be ripped apart atom from atom, we, the experts of Uncyclopedia, simply suggest you do not attempt it. Any attempts to do so is a direct violation of the 4th law of Uncyclopedia, and will cause those Mofo PoPo to come arrest your sorry ass.

Have you tried this[edit]

Simply lie still. Even this is not nothing, but it is the closest you will ever get. If you wish to actually do nothing, talk to your local scientist. He will know nothing on how to do this. Eureka!


It is quite simple. First, sit down. Clear your mind, of all thoughts. Do not move a single molecule of your body; don't even breathe or blink or allow your blood to move through your body!!!

Keep going, until, your doing... ab.. solute..ly....

Nothing!!!!!!!!!

Of course, in order to achieve total nothingness, I recommend suicide.

See also[edit]

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