Nuke
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“WHAT IS NUKE, YOU TELL ME WHAT IS NUKE!”
~ Japan (August 5, 1945)
“Hey, where'd all those Chinese Japanese guys go?”
~ Captain Oblivious on End of WWII
“Somebody set up us the bomb”
~ Mechanic from Zero Wing
“Melt! Every-ting must melt!”
~ General Tao on Nukes
“I hear they are dangerous.”
~ Captain Understatement on Nukes
“Can I Has Nuke?”
~ Iran on Nukes
“No.”
~ America on Iran
The Nuke
It is the greatest tool of peace ever made. It can also be found as an animal. See Nuclear Explosions
It was invented by Albert Einstein while scribbling on tissue paper in his toilet or maybe Our Lord God. The reason for designing such an uber weapon was, as qouted by Einstien himself, " Man there are way too many dumbasses on this earth, so i thought of the best solution to this problem."
“That was freakin' awesome ”
~ Albert Einstein on testing the nuke
It has shown a 100% success rate (not that impressive, considering the rounding errors) in preventing both Guerilla and Parakeet warfare.
In the unlikely event that war breaks out, nukes can be used to quickly resolve the situation. Also, Dr Strangelove loves this perticular bomb, after he learned to stop worrying.
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[edit] Nuking in Love and War
Nuking stuff has proven popular over the last few years, especially with Jews, right-wing religious groups, George Bush and Mr. Sally's crazed uncles. By far, the most popular nuking method is the "ol' drop a nuke while riding it". There are also much more intelligent methods, involving dropping the nuke and blaming a third world country. Riding the nuke was brought to the people's attention when they watched that weird black and white movie (you know the one - nuking in the USA!) and in the one were the nuke was your penis . . . woman. NUKE NUKE NUKE
[edit] Nuking in Love and War
Nuking is a joyous activity of fun for most countries. Representatives from countries meet up in Las Vegas and start to gamble. Which ever country loses gets nuked. Japan has always been bad at this game, and once lost twice in the same week. China always tries to cheat. They once rolled a 10 on a six sided die. This led to Tiananmen Square. Bush then told China "Wada u doin' rollin' a 10 on a seven - no five, no four - sided die. I'm gonna nuke your country". but then the Chinese gave him a nice kick and bush ran away like a dog sayin "Argh! I've been shoop da wooped!"
[edit] How the Nuke Works
A nuke works by this equation: Nuke = Chuck Norris * Jesus + Sean Connery^Jackie Chan. The resulting awesome causes Japan to asplode. The only things that are more powerful than a nuke are Jack Bauer and Bruce Lee.
[edit] Nuke Prevention
Nukes are commonly used to stop other poor countries from making nukes. Rich countries are not nuked because they have Grues and this would be a bad thing.
[edit] Nuclear-free zone
An area or strip of land where it is impossible to fire nukes at. All nukes fired richochet of to florida (hence the sunshine state)
[edit] The Nuking List
In March of 2001, George Bush made the NUKING LIST. This list taught the world's gentlemen which places, creatures and types of toffee to nuke. Some popular examples include everywhere.
[edit] Controversy of Canada and The List
While the contents of the list were the subject of much controversy, even moreso were the contents missing from the list. Specifically, Canada. The answer however, is obvious to anyone with more than a fraction of a brain cell.
Simply put: Nothing bad happens in Canda.
[edit] Suicide Nukers
In the last Taliban Press conference, their head of PR, DR.X said he hoped in future the Taliban could use suicide Nukers. Big Bad George's comment was "Future years? Hell, they only gots a month." He proceeded to nuke another hapless middle-eastern country out of existence.
- G.W. Bush is about to nuke you for reading this list as it is highly confidential and part of the national intelligence (stolen from the FBI database by chinese h4z0rs) so.... run away to Mexico or something*** Actually, Mexico's on the nuke list too, so that ain't such a good idea. Canada would probably work better. Recently Georgy Boy had an excellent idea of moving Mexico up the nuke list so that he can stop the spread of the swine flu. Although some scientist believe that the swine flu outbreak was caused because a bunch of red necks nuked Mexico from their trailer parks while drinking beer, beating their wives and watching NASCAR. That means that "MEXICO" was #1 on that nuke list a long time ago.
[edit] Recreational Nuking
[edit] Music Nuking
Nuking stuff to music has also recently become very popular. 'Nuke Music' consists of terrorist bands such as System of a Down, Rage Against the Machine, My Chemical Romance and N'Sync. Professional Nukers will also listen to Britney Spears, but this is only for advanced Nukers. Another skill often attempted by Nukers is NUKING IN TIME TO MUSIC. This type of nuking involves a rhythm and a beat, and plenty of time and effort. Nukes are launched by correctly stepping on one of four arrows at the right time, the more precisely the arrow is stepped on the more people are killed. A good Nuker can kill a few billion people (hell, it's China) in one round (a full war takes three rounds). Unfortunately, this is a very dangerous activity, especially if the Nuker is listening to All That Remains, as it can alter the Earth's orbit around the sun. With a bit of bad luck and a very loud song, we could either be pushed out of orbit or pushed into the sun. It is generally accepted that both of these would be a Very Cool Thing.
[edit] Speed Nuking
In Speed Nuking, the Nuker is just supposed to go insane with his or her nuking and nuke every thing, person and smaller poodle in sight. Very hazardous - but who cares?
[edit] Food Nuking
Cooking food in the magical white box you all own that gives your testes cancer if you stand besides it. Eating it will cause you to become a character in the Montey Python series.
Done! (but the radiation never really ends)
Oh Little H-Bomb Silo,
- how sweetly dost thou lie.
Above thy deep and dreamless sleep
- The spy satellites glide by.
Yet in thy darkness shineth
- The Everlasting Light.
The hopes and dreams of all the years
- Are met in thee tonight.
For war is born of terror,
- and gathered all around,
while angels sleep the mortals keep
- their watch on a smoldering hatred.
Oh morning stars of midnight,
- proclaim unholy birth!
As children scream we gain the dream
- of ... peace ... for men on Earth.
