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Numpad9, a letter banned from all alphabets bar the most comprehensive and liberal, is the rudest letter of all. All words with the letter in it, such as "Fnumpad9ish" and "Wehnumpad9", are banned in every country in the word, and speaking the letter alone is punishable by death. Its use is limited, even in today's hedonistic culture, although Bob Geldof, in a passionate speech about Africa, recently yelled: "You're speaking fookin Numpad9!" live on air, to the shock of everyone everywhere.

The sound of Numpad9 is fatal to around 15 percent of the population, and produces cateracts in a further 20. Pronunciation is difficult, but far, far easier if you have a Scottish accent.