Nurses

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“If you're ever in the hospital, there's only two things a nurse is good for: a hand job and a sponge bath with a happy ending.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Nurses

“Helllloooooooo nurse!”

~ Yakko on Nurses

“It is a known fact that the moe level of nurses is over 9000!!!”

~ Vegeta on a nurse (literally)
A nurse at her finest..SCHWING!!!

Nurses are evil soul-sucking creatures first created by Satan and Aristotle. Their main purposes in life are to pretend to be helpful, to appear in fetish porn, to strike whenever you need good healthcare, and to STEAL YOUR FUCKING SOUL! DAMN THEIR HOTNESS!

It is highly recommended that all nurses you find be killed. Sex, torture, and dismemberment before the actual killing are optional, but make sure that you remember the important thing is to KILL THE DAMN NURSES!

History of Nurses[edit]

Nurses were created by a collaborative effort between Satan and Aristotle, when they decided to crossbreed Aristotle's sister, and Satan's kitty cat, a international shorthair named Mr. Muffykins. The result of this unholy coupling was a broken transmisson fluid line in Satan's car, a giant egg, a large lawsuit, and the eternal condemnation of Aristotle's sister and Mr. Muffykins to wander the earth hungering for pancakes until such a time as all nurses have been destroyed.

Periodically, Nurses have assisted in Oprah's attempts to take over the world, acting as a strike force to incapacitate foreign dignitaries with unknown maladies such as tetanus, diarrhea, a need for hepatitis B shots, and the sudden lack of a soul.

The final evolution of Nurses has been achieved at the HEART ATTACK GRILL (www.HeartAttackGrill.com) in Phoenix Arizona.

Nurse Biology[edit]

Nursing is infectious. No nurses have been born for several hundred years, so the majority of the remaining nurses are former humans who are susceptible to the nurse infestation. The nurse infestation will quickly proceed to the brain, where it rewrites the entire personality with it's vile desires.

It should be noted that only women can be infected with nursing, thus, any man who claims to be a nurse is just fooling himself. But since he probably aids and abets real nurses, you might as well go ahead and kill him anyways if no one is looking.

Torn between two bedpans: this gorgeous nurse has a superhero infatuation that is seriously fucking up her career.

Nurse Behavior[edit]

Nurses work in three primary fields: Healthcare, Education, and Bitching. Note that most of the women in porn who are dressed up as nurses actually are nurses, even if they don't have any licenses, degrees, or nursing registration. Deal with them the same way you would deal with any other nurse.

A nurse, upon meeting a human being with an intact soul, will immediatel launch a huge, sinister, and nigh-incomprehensible plan to steal their soul. Do not underestimate the resources of a nurse. You can never be sure who is working for them, or what they control.

Nurses have three primary ways of stealing your soul: needles, sex, and confinement in a mental institution. It is not uncommon for nurses to be bitches, not make any sense and willfully neglect their duties bitching at everone around them until someone else does their job.

Needles[edit]

They will use needles to simply suck your soul right out. Never allow a nurse to touch you with a needle, and never allow anyone else to touch you with a needle if you don't know where it's been. A nurse could have gotten their hands on it.

The male nurse.

Sex[edit]

Nurses are so over exposed to the human body and bodily funcions that only the most depraved sexual acts can satisfy their lust. They are also known to carry gonarhea and trichomonas vaginales.

Nurses are whores.

Nurses will attempt to seduce you and infect you with nursing. If you are a man, chill, because you're immune to the infection unless you're a homosexual. However, there seems to be a new virulent strain of nursing currently circulating and heterosexual men are becoming infected more often (see Gaylord Fokker). Because of a peculiarity in the way nursing affects the brain, nurses are unable to distinguish who they can and cannot infect, even when they rationally know that they can only infect women.

If you are a woman, you might be in trouble. You will have to take measures to insure you remain clean from nursing in mind, body, soul, and most importantly, vagina. The most effective deterrants are crabs, ultraviolet colored clothing, and holy symbols blessed by the deity of your choice. Usually, Satan is the most willing to bless a symbol for such a purpose, since he hates nurses (and he's the one who created them with Aristotle for goodness sakes), but any willing deity will do.

Nurses will strike while you are incapacitated in their quest to be impregnated. Reference The World According to Garp.

Institutionalization[edit]

One of the most sinister methods a nurse can use to steal your soul is to institutionalize you. Under the guise of "helping" you, they will slowly break down the defenses guarding your soul, after which they can simply huff it up like you were a kitten. Seriously, they almost got me that way. I had to kill 2 orderlies with a shank made from a bedpost to get away.

Another danger of institutionalization is the strong possibility of exposure to needles. Never, ever, ever, let a nurse bring a needle near you.

Laziness[edit]

Nurses are notorious for their laziness abilities. They usually complain, moan and bitch all day, although having a high rate of pay (higher than those who correct their mistakes and do their job for them). It is imperative that nurses bitch and complain in order to survive. They completely takeover their place of employment like a weed or parasite sucking the life from everyone around them.

"NURSES ARE NOT LAZY!

YOU NEED TO BETTER YOUR OPINION ON THEM COS U NEVER KNOW....ONE DAY YOU MIGHT NEED ONE!! ESPECIALLY WHEN I'M THROUGH WITH YOU!

YEA THATS RIGHT- I'M A NURSE!"

The above is the most frequent used line by a nurse pretending to do something.



NURSE SELECTION:

Nurse interviews are always conducted in large rooms that ensure that the post applicant has a greater distance to travel, thus allowing the Interview Panel the opportunity to observe the physical characteristics of the approaching applicant.

The slim nurse reaches their chair in a speedy time and this is indicative of a potential quick and efficient worker on the wards. The larger posterior carrying applicant is burdened by many Kilogrammes of excessive fat that slows their progression to the interview board.

Experience has shown that the slim nurse will be sexually active, will wear shoes that continually click as they rush around the wards and is damn neurotic in nature.

However, the nurse with the enormous backside will be a faithful worker as her only friends will be those confined to bed and unable to respond to her unwanted caressing of body parts. Her approach to patient care is as soft and gentle as the bedroom slippers that she insists that she wears while at work; slippers, although quiet and calming, are great absorbers of dripping urine from leaking catheter bags and soon fester whilst increasing the infection and morbidity rate amongst the already ill and sick patients.

Back-injuries are a common injury amongst nurses, although large bummed nurses tend NOT to suffer this injury as they are usually too lazy to do any lifting. --Rita Snatch 07:36, 26 November 2008 (UTC)

Dealing with Nurses[edit]

Nurses are cunning and dangerous opponents. Many possess super-speed, super-strength, or 4-dimensional vision. A few even have minor telepathic powers. To minimize the risks, you must come at a nurse with complete surprise. Never let them know you're on to them, and NEVER let them convince you that they're actually human beings, no matter how much they scream.

They best way to kill a nurse is total bodily dismemeberment, conducted over a period of several days. Sex is optional. Nurses never mind having sex, since they think this will infect you with nursing. They won't tell you this, though! Remember, if you're female, you'll need to take steps to prevent yourself from being infected.

One danger of killing nurses is that many local police departments and legal institutions are secretly in league with nurses for their own nefarious purposes. Because of this, the killing of nurses must be done secretly. Only let other nurse killers in on this. Fortunately, you will find many kindred spirits if you are ever confined in a mental institution, thus again demonstrating that evil contains the seeds of it's own demise.

Working with Nurses[edit]

There are many healthcare workers whom, on a daily basis, must perform their job duties in relatively close proximity to nurses in their natural habitat, the hospital and/or porn sets. Those of us who have survived in the formidable hospital environment have learned several lessons. On your fist day you must show up to work with a box of donuts. This will appease them, but only for your first day. One should never look a nurse directly in the eye or display any kind of dominant behaviour such as posturing or communicating with their subordinates. The alpha female of the pack will make herself very apparent with ritualistic displays. She can also be identified by her obesity and extremely wide ass. Her fingernails will be very long and manicured and her perfume will be unbearably potent. This in spite of the fact that her nails spread drug resistant staph and her perfume nauseates the patients on her ward. Even doctors will capitulate to her authority. Another way to recognize the more mature matriarchs of the pack is their shortly cropped hair. Gone are the days of the long feminine hair of their youth. The matriarchs will have very short hair. Careless healthcare workers such as respiratory therapists, phlebotomists, pharmacy technicians, medical technologists, x-ray technicians, and housekeeping staff will only serve to infuriate her and her subordinates if they do not recognize her superiority. It would not be wise to ever correct or even attempt to help a nurse. Nurses will always complain that their feet hurt. They will constantly be in search of more comfortable shoes, and will go to extremes to find springs, cushions, and any assortment of orthopedic footwear. One should never suggest that they lose weight and slim down their gigantic buttocks in order to counteract the forces of gravity which is punishing their feet with every step.

A common misconception is that RN is an abbreviation for "registered nurse". In reality, it stands for "real nasty," which is tattooed inside their lower lip.

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