Nut Hell

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search

“Nut hell is like a nutshell”

Nut Hell is the place where bad people go after death, having abused nuts in one way or another during their life. It is fact, it is not some loony fairytale concocted by theologians of a more than usually weird bent, it is plain scientific fact and if you don't like it you can just stop abusing nuts right now, cos when you die it's too late. Way too late.

Known as Nytthöll to the Vikings, Nux Aeterna to the Romans, Dar al-Pistash to the Muslims, Tír na nÓt to the Irish, and O Te Heru o le Na'a to the Polynesians (whose only experience of nuts was with shrivelled-up breadfruit), it is probably the most widespread eschatological concept in the world, after being bombed by Americans, which is universal.

The Bolges (Circles, Bad Places)[edit]

Nut Hell is divided into a number of bolges (circles, bad places), making it easier to know just how bad a particular nut-related dead person was.

Bolge 1. Chokers[edit]

Anyone who chokes on a peanut or other small object that shouldn't have any trouble going down in a person endowed with a genetically adequate throat goes in Bolge 1. This teaches them not to bolt their food, and to stay away from other people if they wantonly choose so to do. On this level the sinner is watched by helpful bystanders who shout phrases like "cough it up" and "is everything all right?" from a safe distance. The plain of Bolge 1 is studded with telephone booths with emergency direct connexions to the ambulance service, all vandalized.

Bolge 2. Sceptics[edit]

Anyone who doubts the existence of Nut Hell goes here. You get an eternity of being punched in the nuts and asked, "Thought it was funny, did you? Like this is funny?"

Bolge 3. Allergics[edit]

Those sick, evil bastards who get born allergic to nuts in any way get stuck down here for all eternity, where the rest of us have a good laugh at their convulsions. You don't really suppose they'd want you up in any of their other poofy heavens, do you? Those fluffy clouds do not look good covered in peanut butter puke, let me tell you, and those 72 virgins want some studly action, not coughing fits and blood flecks all over their snowy pear-shaped breasts. Anyone who told you different is probably up above you in Bolge 2 by now learning the error of their ways.

Bolge 4. Comic deaths[edit]

Here lie the tormented spirits of those who only wanted one coconut, reached up to the top of the pyramidal pile, and set the whole lot rolling.

Bolge 5. Burundi[edit]

The latest reports may be out of date (as travellers who return from this far down are rare and usually unreliable on account of insanity*) but this bolge, formerly the home of stand-up comedians who spoke disrespectfull of nuts for satirical purposes, is now said to be occupied by the Burrowing Nation of Burundi. It is possible they are merely in transit. The satirists were tortured by being engulfed in brie, preventing access to their microphones.

* There's a joke you could make in there if you wanted to.

Bolge 6. Perverts[edit]

Not widely discussed. But brazil nuts are for eating. Not for that.

Scientific evidence[edit]

Abundant. So abundant it's pretty pointless mentioning it, because the only people who'd even think of questioning it for an instant are down there roasted and salted on Bolge 2 anyway. It includes dreams, first-person accounts, mathematically rigorous proofs, and new theories widely accepted by people who have nominated the authors for Nobel Prizes, and letters to reputable scientific journals in green biro, 'WITH UNDERLINING'.