Obesity

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Fat People can't see their dicks”

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“I'd screw that!”

~ Oscar Wilde on above picture

Obesity (AKA Podgy Syndrome) is one of the worst disorders in the history of mankind and is also a term used to describe people that are extremely fat, and generally spend much of their time consuming vast quantities of Luther Burgers and Hamdogs and other artery-clogging foods. Throughout history, due to endless food shortages, most people saw obesity as desirable, but in the last twenty years the US Surgeon-general has succeeded in brainwashing many people into considered obesity as an evil that must destroyed. In reality, though, obesity is merely a type of lifestyle, like athleticism or being a geologist.

Before embarking on any change in weight, try to enjoy being fat and think it over really hard. Do you really want to eat less than you already do? Perhaps a little more exercise would provide the improvement in body mobility you seek...

Obesity sucks.


0-1-fat-man.jpg

And he's fat.

Early Evolution[edit]

A fully intact specimen of Eating Too Eagerly Man originally discovered in 1912, on display at The Smithsonian Institute. This subspecies of Pigdown Man had a total of nine mouths to feed.

Obesity has existed since prehistoric times with the emergence of the species Glutted Man whose evolutionary branch split off from the proto-Homo or "skinny" line.

The Glutted Man (Homo gluttirini) , or The Pigdown Man was a genspecies of a Homo genus that inhabited Europe and parts of Africa. The first proto-Pigdown Man traits appeared in kitchens as early as his birth 15 years ago The fat eventually ate him leading to the creation of the first ever black hole to emerge that only took in food which is why Africans are starving. By 130,000 years ago, full blown Pigdown characteristics had appeared. In 2000, anthropologist Thomas Aquinas took a more expansive view of the species, breaking it down into five distinct subspecies:

  • Homo Ardenterina (Eating Too Eagerly Man)
  • Homo Lautina (Eating Too Expensively Man)
  • Homo Nimisina (Eating Too Much Man)
  • Homo Praeproperina (Eating Too Soon Man)
  • Homo Studiosina (Eating Too Daintily Man)

Homo Studiosina, for a long time believed to have been the last surviving branch, died out 30,000 years ago while recent evidence has shown that Homo Nimisina survived to modern times. For a time it was believed that the last surviving member of this subspecies was Porky Pig, but it was later discovered that another specimen, Mr. Greedy, lives. A detailed vivisection done on Porky Pig revealed that Pigdown Man had a stomach that was eighteen times larger than that of an average person.

Homo Ardenterina was undoubtedly the most unusual variant of the species. Among its attributes, the species had developed multiple mouths to enable them to take in a continuous flow of food. One fully intact specimen discovered in 1912 at Pigdown, a village near Suckfield, Eastsex, had a total of nine eating orifices.

A minority of zoologists argue that the two subspecies of Homo Nimisina and maybe Homo Lautina are not extinct. This theory was put forward by those zoologists who had taken part in the Palookaville Fat Study. They based their claims on the PFS final report; however most scientists argue that they have too many anatomical differences between themselves and humans for modern day Obese Humans to be considered members of either group. What is likely is that one of them may turn out to be an ancestral species.

Classifications[edit]

As a result of the many studies performed, it has been determined that there are many different kinds of fat people, with obesity being categorized:

  1. Chubby: Person has a little fat here and there. Shows only a little. Could be taken for a thin person from a distance.
    Your everyday FATASS. And he's still fat.
  2. Pleasantly Plump: Rounded and plump. Fat now more pronounced, but with the result of enhancing a persons appearance, especially in the area of the face. Cheeks are round and perfect to pinch. A double-chin begins to show.
  3. Plump: A BMI of 82.0. Rounded and plump, with now noticeable increase in the size of the belly.
  4. Portly: A BMI of 92.0. Person now is bulky in figure; heavily built -- fat now significantly noticeable; people will turn to stare. Can be mistaken for muscle AKA "hard fat."
  5. Fat: A BMI of 142.0. At this point, a person is by medically considered obese/fat ass. People in this class are significantly rounded in figure.
  6. Obese: Generally, a BMI of over 9,000. Fat now overwhelming. Knees are locked straight and unable to bend. Difficulty walking, tend to trip on their own stomach fat. Can only run with food nearby.
  7. Grande Obese: Generally, weight above 9...tons that is. Fat is now totally overwhelming the person. Person cannot walk or move, breathing becomes an overwhelming exercise. People in this class of obesity must be fed constantly. Have difficulty seeing since fat is covering their eyes. Movement only provoked by food
  8. Edward Cullen: Edward Cullen is pretty darn fat, metaphorically speaking... The Greek person called homer wrote stories about what would happen if you eat Hungry Jacks such as you will die of fatness
  9. Rosie O'Donnel: Subject is generally sunken into his/her own fatness and begins to take on a sort of Dominating Male/Dykiness aurora.
  10. William Howard Taft: Officially a big circle. Not quite morbidly obese, but really friggin' fat.
  11. Morbidly Obese: Just like Morbidly Obese Albert, this is one of the most lethal classes of obese individuals. At approximately 1,800-14,500 tons, earthquakes can easily be caused by these fatties. Are entirely sedintary, unless they smell food. At least 80 tons of food per day must be fed to the morbidly obese individual, or else they will pass out. Generally live in houses with steel and concrete-reinforced structures, lest the morbidly obese individual falls through the ground or may accidentally smash down a wall when food is nearby. If unable to get to food (such as a wall blocking them), the morbidly obese individual will continue to attempt to get the food (even if it means slamming into a wall 500 times) until the scent is lost or the individual falls asleep.
  12. America: The only nation where the people weigh more than the country itself, at approximately 14,500-900,484,438 pounds.
  13. '"Round"': He or she so fat they is round.
Fat City's sheriff, Chubby Cheesecakes (on left side), and the deputy, Jonny Steak Fatso (on right side)

FPAW(Fat People Association of the World)[edit]

The FPAW (Fat People Association of the World) was founded in 13th century by Nathan Peocock. It now has over 10.000.000 members around the world, most of them living in the United states of America, the main office is located in Stockholm Sweden, in the same building as the McDonalds company's main office.

Barrack Obama personally assaulting fat people[edit]

Recent surveys and camera footage show Barrack H. Obama illegibly beating up members of the C.G.F (chicken greased fatties). Experts say it's nothing to worry about, because continuation of this act means less lines at fast-food resteraunts.

Effects of the heat index for fat people (shade values)[edit]

Fahrenheit Celsius Notes
55–70 °F 27–32 °C Caution — fatigue is possible with prolonged exposure and activity. Continuing activitiy could result in heat cramps
70–80 °F 32–41 °C Extreme caution — heat cramps, and heat exhaustion are possible. Continuing activity could result in heat stroke
80–85 °F 41–54 °C Danger — heat cramps, and heat exhaustion are likely; heat stroke is probable with continued activity
over 85 °F over 54 °C Extreme danger — heat stroke is imminent

Note that exposure to full sunshine can increase heat index values by up to 15 °F (8 °C).[1]


Gainers[edit]

"Mama, do you love me now mama?" She grunted, moments before expiring.

The people who think their stomach is not huge enough, and stuff themselves full of McDonald’s to make their bellies the size of 3rd world countries. This is often recorded on the Internet through "Belly Diaries" where gainers take pictures of their stomachs and get rewarded with such compliments as- "get bigger" and "it's HUGE! Keep gaining!". This keeps these gainers stuffing themselves and making their stomach larger and larger until they can be compared to John Goodman.

Feeders[edit]

Feeders, slightly different from the bone in your leg, are a new species of fat. They are commonly men, who enjoy kidnapping people and force feeding them until they reach Rosie O'Donnell status. They generally hunt around McDonald's restaurants and park benches, preying upon unsuspecting prey whom they call "feedmees". A common way to avoid kidnapping is to eat lots of salad, but be kind to the fat people, feeders are known for seeking revenge on thin people and turning them into lard-sucking zombies.

Feeders are often scientists working for the American government, as they try to develop new chemicals to make people gain huge amounts of weight in short periods of time. They do this by genetically modifying people to enjoy otherwise disgusting foodstuffs like Guilt, Shame, Boredom, Embarrassment, Depression, Anxiety, Anger, and Sorrow. Common public school lunches are an example of this, as America's youth are currently the test subjects. To prove this here is a completely true statement that may or may not be true; the number children attending public school in America who get stuck in bus seats from eating the school food has increased by exactly 167.4736% in the past two days.

Advantages of obesity[edit]

Do you have a tasty treat for me, by mere chance?

More recently, scientists have developed a lazier way to become fat that doesn't involve unnecessary wasting energy consuming large amounts of food. Lipocramming involves shoving fat directly into your body through an iv needle or syringe. Here's why:

  • 1 in every 2 obese people are interviewed by the news media.
  • Different parts of your body swell like a balloon, and your forearm is often the size of 2 human beings. (Your legs are the size of 3, the folds of your gut can fit 7)
  • It's HIGHLY probable that you will reach a weight at which the earth becomes a satelite moon to your enormous gelatinous mass.
  • You can eat people.
  • You'll never get old!!! Morbidly obese people always die young.
  • You can sit around and shed tears about your severe weight problem while you make sure those last few sticks of butter in the fridge--- ARE YOURS!
  • When you die, you will have 35-40 men carrying your coffin...LIKE A KING.
  • You are THE bell of the ball. In other words, you are the child of the New Years Eve Ball and the Liberty Bell.
  • Your penis size increases as well as your stomach size.
  • You can eat even more food just to see how that turns out.
  • The sun will shine upon you...as it revolves around you.
  • There will be more of good ole' you in this vast universe.
  • You will take up all of the space for that car ride. Allowing YOU to automatically get Shotgun even though your buddy called it first.
  • You can play with your fat rolls.
  • Many great Stand-up Comedians are obese. You can always become a successful stand-up comedian. Unless, of course, you fall through the stage (or aren't funny).
  • Risk of Anorexia is greatly reduced.
  • Obesity is often associated with positive characteristics such as good humor (the stereotype of the jolly fat man like Santa Claus) and an appreciation of fine cuisine. Also, who wants a skinny chef?
  • You will be real slow and chillin'-- even when a moving truck is heading towards you.
  • More cushin' fur the pushin'. According to Family Guy, fat sex is great, and much more appealing (honest).
  • When admired, you are treated like a god.
  • You attract more women than anyone (but, that's a NO BRAINER).
  • Have your own gravitational pull.
  • You could always become a BBW -there is money to be made.
  • If there happens to be a nuclear explosion, you will simply become skinny.
  • Stranded on an island somewhere? You will certainly be the last one to die.
  • Squishing people is always fun.
  • You can make your friends feel better about themselves.
  • If your building has a fire, you can roll a fat person over it to put it out.
  • If you are too lazy to work, you can sell your fat to other people who have a desire to sit at home and die of a stroke.
  • It is very fun to draw faces on your tummy and make him talk. It will probably be the only friend you'll ever have anyway.
  • Fat people are more attractive
  • You can survive bullet wounds as the bullets will come to rest far before striking you organs
  • Faking a heart attack becomes much easier
  • You have a lot more stomach space.
  • You can get government checks much easier.
  • You can sell your fat in the black market.
  • McDonalds will give you discounts on their food.
  • You can use your belly folds to store food and other items.
  • You have to sit in first class on planes because you are too big to fit in the coach class seats.
  • You can float in water, and if you're in the arctic, you will also be warm

Disadvantages of Being Obese[edit]

Fat man going to work … at McDonalds

“I'm not fat, I'm big boned”

~ Fatty on being fat

“Right. Big bones covered in meat and gravy”

~ Other people on Fatty

Many Fat people use an excuse to be fat (My pet turtle has a faster metabolism than I do; they say cigarettes and speed aren't good for me), When there is no excuse - they just love to eat. Others might deny they're fat. Big Man Indicator (BMI) is only a rough guideline. Fatness is relative. An obese man weighing 630 pounds is like a huge boulder when rolled out of a house. He'd be a monster to small children, but he's just a little ant compared to the mass of the Earth. Many claim that it's a Disease (Hypothyroidism? Cushing's syndrome? A rare disease producing an inexplicable and uncontrollable impulse to eat lard?). I don't know about you, But I didn't know eating was a disease. I'm sure the local truck weigh station will allow you to weigh yourself. And don't even think of trying to see your penis, It shriveled up and died along time ago. The McDonald's is just around the corner and on the way to my work, so I can't help calling in.

  • When playing computer games your fingers become to podgy to tytyopwe opiop[wererkl;,.
  • You get hungry every half hour or so, if not constantly.
  • You'll never be able to say you have a cool car because you will roll to places instead of drive.
  • You may be hunted down by Subway and be forced to star in their commercials.
  • You'll be taken by children who will slap your belly and ride the waves!
  • You'll never be brave enough to put on swimming clothes, thus you will never swim.
  • You will release huge amounts of methane gas per day according to your weight. (As Steven Hawkings said, a fatty will release approximately 5 megatons of methane gas a day per every pound of pure body fat said fatty weighs multiplied by the amount of food (in pounds) the said fatty eats in one day multiplied by the amount of beans, pork, cabbage, broccoli, and cheese products (in pounds) the said fatty eats in one day.)
  • You will spend a lot more money on food because you'll eat it at lightning-fast rates.
  • You may be kicked out of public areas for being too fat.
  • You may be kicked out of buffets for taking their "ALL YOU CAN EAT" sign seriously.
  • You will have to look around the world for clothes that come in size extra extra extra extra extra extra extra large. Or learn to sew so you can make your own.
  • Every time you walk you will create on earthquake.
  • You get bullied; even your own doctor threatens health consequences if you don't lose the weight.
  • Its a downward spiral - others mock you, so you eat to feel better, which causes others to mock you, so you eat to feel better...
  • Your penis or vagina in some cases both,explode

Mathmatical Proof that fat people are more attractive[edit]

The formula for how attractive people are is where M is the mass of the person and the r is their distance from the point of measurement. As you can see as the mass increases the force of attraction increases.


Close Encounters of the Fat Kind[edit]

Why is there a cow at the pool mommy?.

On encountering a fatty, extreme caution is advised as tears in space-time occur in the vicinity. This is caused by their extreme weight which distorts matter around it and causes food to fall in upon itself, creating minute black holes as explained in Stephen Hawking's A Brief History of Fatties. In this book Hawking states that the mass of a Fatty (Homo porcinusaumini) is inversely proportioned to the volume it occupies in space. This is an intensely unstable formula and causes the head of anyone reading it in depth to collapse in on itself.

Recent research by Steven Hawkins has also shown that due to the increased mass of fatties in extreme cases they can distort the space time continuum, creating an artificial gravity well (think old Quake 1 rune wars). This artificial gravity has been used by fatties to explain their attraction to food, "Its not that we are attracted to food, its that the food is attracted to us". This argument follows such arguments as "its in my genes", "I have a medical condition" and "It's my hormones". Research is currently being undertaken on self discipline in fatties but is proving difficult as the researchers have yet to find any to research.

Fatties can be extremely dangerous and innocent-acting, but don't beleive them, stay as far away as possible from fatties. here are a number of things that fat people will do, this will also tell you what to do or how to avoid these things: -Fat people eat people! especially children because they are easier to catch. heres how to avoid this, NEVER leave your children alone somewhere, fat people lurk in all scorts of places. if you see you child being consumed by a fatty, start punching their belly, trust me its quite difficult to miss. if an adult is being eaten, try ripping the fatty's eyes out, or if its a boy, you could try smashing their testicles (but that is hard because almost always is that their fatness covers their balls and penis.) -Fat people steal all of your food and eat it! Fat people are masters at at breaking into your refrigerater in the middle of the night and eating ALL OF IT. sometimes they eat the fridge itself too! Here's what to do about this: I know some people like the "man" of the house might be thinking, "I'll wait for em with ol' rusty 'n then give em the beatin of his lifetime!" but this is entirely ineffective. fattys' bellies are not effected by poundings and thrusts, even bullets, any force aimed toward areas with large amounts of fat will just bounce off. instead, you should set upa huge pit in front of your house and put a bunch of donuts in it, then once a fatty falls in, have a giant boulder dropped in to smash it. another way is to buy Fatty repelant spray. some of the most effective brands you can find at your local store are: 'Fatty OFF' , 'Spray Today Fatties AWAY!!!' , 'No Fatso'. majority of these sprays are harmless to normal people, they almost always just smell very strongly of vegitables.

People have been getting remarkably fat since prehistoric times (to judge by such artifacts as the celebrated Venus of Willendorf), and accurate weighing is mostly a twentieth-century phenomenon, but many Fatties have been known in the course of history. Obese people -- or the politically correct term Fatties - have become a sizable part of today's society. While their main activities include attempting to get up, and eating their weight in processed animal products -- though no one has yet to achieve the goal of eating what is called The Magic Ton. Among Fatties are the tribe leaders, the fatologists who have created a minor religion around their status. Their mottoes are "We serve the Fat -- the Fat serves none!" and the more commonly known "Forward the Fat!"

Many members of the non-Fatty community believe that these Fatties must be expunged by the rites of exercism and DIE-with-a-T-ing. These claims have become cause for concern by some, as Fatties have been persecuted throughout history. As recently as the 1780's, Fatties were known to have been hunted and put to death. In Europe, the most common method of execution was cooking. The ovens and fireplaces where Fatties perished by the tens of thousands during early modern times still stand in popular imagination. For historians, the so-called great European Fat-purge has been a much-vexed issue, one easily contorted to suit the prejudices of the present day. (see the History and War on Fat sections of the article.) Also fat people have the right to be fat. Just because they are fat doesn't mean they don't have specific rights to other humans, like the right to be accommodated for their fat-induced disabilities, for example not being able to fit into standard-sized voting booths or plane seats.

The War on Fat[edit]

In 2005, the U.S. Surgeon General declared: "I refuse to accept the spread of obesity and I am committed to advancing the prevention agenda. It will take all of us working together to find the solution to this growing problem." This war on fat is the latest manifestation of an ongoing trend that the government has a duty to protect "public health" by discouraging behavior that will result in a reduction the number of individuals capable of military service (Fatties are incapable of violence). It also reflects an anti-individual perspective that people are nothing more than a mindless virus that is being manipulated by big corporations into consuming anything and everything around them. The anti-fat crusaders claim that they only want to manipulate the people for their own good. They seek to stamp out obesity by trampling the rights of the individual into the dust.

This policy has lead to the U.S. government insisting upon forcing Americans to de-fat themselves. This mission is being accomplished through a combination of taxes, subsidies, censorship, and brute force. Methods used vary from state to state; in some instances subjecting obese people to various tortures such as Liposuction. The states have now begun regulating food with the argument that they must keep the taxpayers' weight down.

This persecution has reached alarming levels. In a special news report, it was recently revealed that the number of U.S. children undergoing de-fatting torture has tripled in recent years, increasing at a pace that resulted on over 2,000 such operations in 2006, according to an analysis of data on 12- to 19-year-olds who have undergone de-fatting procedures from 1999 through 2006.

During that time, an estimated 5,488 youngsters nationwide underwent de-fatting; the rate tripling between 2004 and 2007.

One unusual tactic has been put into effect in Brazil. The medical community there have recently declared that Fatties are animals and must be treated in veterinary facilities. As dogs and cats are far smaller than even a skinny human, the normal pet clinics could never accommodate such patients. This has resulted in Fatties being sent to various Horse Racing Tracks to receive medical treatments and examinations. The use of the facilities there by them -- in conjunction with the care of the race horses -- has created significant delays in the running of races there, resulting in rioting by spectator fans and bettors. The Brazilian Horse Racing Commission dealt with the Fatties use of their facilities by having them run in the races. Thus far, no Fatty has won a race. There have been protests about this new practice, but the Brazilian medical and horse racing communities have not stopped the practices.

Rotundo Lima da Beleibt, ambassador of Fatropia to the United Nations said, "The obese patients already suffer from a lot of prejudice and having to be treated where animals are is not helping their self-esteem. Many simply refuse to go."

In a recent development, the war against obesity has escalated with the release of alarming statistics showing that the increase in worldwide population of overweight, obese and morbidly obese people is inversely proportionate to the worldwide population of Dwarves. This alarming statistic has been pointed to by many fat busters as further proof that inside every fat person is a skinny person trying to get out, although as the trend has been apparent for some time, the digestion processes of the the fatties may already have killed many of the Dwarves.

Even more alarming is the proven scientific fact that the fatties were right, fatness is only based on genetics and eating a lot and not exercising has nothing to do with it. The problem is that the genes in the fat people magically make calories out of nowhere even when they dont eat that many meals in between snacks. Professor Unicorn from the Tuscaloopa Nebraska center for the care of mentally challenged adults discovered this one day while he was washing down 100 Long john silvers fish planks with a sack full of big macs. Since then, the only acceptable cure for genetic obesity is stomach stapling, which fixes the bad fat genes.

Many are trying to pass the "Down with the Heavy ones" (DWTHO) bill at congress which involves exterminating all that are over 270 pounds as it is sinking the continent into the ocean. Even Al Gore himself has made the DWTHO bill a higher priority than Global Warming and the search for Man-Bear-Pig.

By January 5th, 2008, the war escalated further. UN forces finally decided enough was enough, and UN forces composed of British, French, German, Russian, and Canadian troops sieged Fattropia, shown by statistics to be the most overweight nation in the world.

Breakthroughs in science[edit]

Since the beginning of time, scientists have wondered what causes people to become obese. Recently, there have been several discoveries in laboratories. Studies conducted on 10,000 obese animals have determined that they are all missing the same two genes, which are theorized to be "common sense" and "willpower" genes.

When the common sense and willpower genes were removed in rats, it was noted that they preferred the endless consumption of sugary sweets rather than healthier foods, even when they were told they had developed Type II Diabetes. This lack of control often lead to diabetic shock and eventually [death].

Another discovery among obese people was increased activity in oil and sweat glands, leading to an increased sweaty, oily, and gluttonous appearance (as if their size wasn't enough already.)

As to cures? The lead scientist in the war against fat said that sometime in the "near future, we can expect some kind of development," while munching down on his third bacon double cheeseburger during the interview that afternoon.

If you have any further inquisition on the laziest and fattest creatures in the Insect world take a look at Antlions.

Fat Acceptance Movement[edit]

To combat the "prejudice" (read: believing that people should lose weight when they get fat.) in modern society against fat people, as well as to cash in on the trendiness of bullshit civil rights movements, some fat people decided to start the "Fat acceptance movement." The basic principles of this movement are that it's easier to whine and complain that people are prejudiced against you than fix the problem (Yes, being too obese to stand is a problem) that causes you to be "discriminated" against in the first place. However this movement is being debated on by "fatties" as having worldwide acceptance of obesity means that they cannot be jeered, and therefore cannot eat chocolate while crying.

Footnotes[edit]

  1. Closely paraphrased from the public domain article Heat Index on the website of the Pueblo, CO United States National Weather Service.

See also[edit]

Sexual Fetishes, Paraphilias, and Assorted Perversions