Obi-Wan Kenobi
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| ZU MACHEN!!
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Solo: "What's the cargo?"
Kenobi: "Just me, the boy and these two pleasure droids. And no questions asked."
Jedi master of Middle Earth, Sir Obi-Wan Kenobi-Guinness (August 6, 1901 - October 5 1977) (British English Obi Wanker Nobi, also known as Gentle Ben Kenobi, OB+ One Kenobi, Opie-Wahn Kenobi, Ben "The Pimp" Kenobi, Obi Wanken' Obi and Ob-Gyn Kenobi),Who became more powerful then you could posibly imagine is a Knight of the Jedi Temple, time traveler, Disciple of Jedi Hector, Friend of Raptor Zoad, Half-Father of the god Azathoth, General in The Clown Army, Ghost of an old, dead Dude, and Goodfellow of the Ring, appeared in Gondor early in the Second Age and became part of the Fellowship of the Ring, replacing Gandalf after he was PWND by the minions of Sauron after a successful career as a teen idol following campaigns during the Clone Wars. Despite widespread apocraphia, Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your Father.
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[edit] Biography
Despite Obi-Wan's attempts to bring down the rebellion from the inside (telling Luke about his sister minutes before he was to face Vader, suggesting to Luke that he didn't need his 'targeting computer', confusing the poor kid when he was lying dying in the snow, etc, etc. Not to mention fucking up Vader's training in the first place!) his plan was foiled, largely due to Luke's blatant stupidity.
[edit] Gangster
In 1928 Obi-Wan Kenobi became the founding member of the Crips, a gang later led by Jabba the Hutt, its first African American leader. Jabba was later imprisoned and wrote children's books before Princess Leia went on a rampage in the padawan learning place.
[edit] Jedi Training
After the immensly successful lanuch of the Banana, Obi-Wan looked to self-actualization as the phase of Maslos' Needs Hierarchy (The other needs being Booze, Hookers, Rock n' Roll, staring in a Musical with Nicole Kidman, Booze again, and patenting a fruit). Kenobi found his chance while demonstating the newest feature of the banana, peelability, in an Arizona bar, when two Jedi from the Jedi Temple walked in to order drinks.
After initially failing to sell bananas to the Jedi (they had no money), Obi-Wan was intrigued by their peaceful rapport and powerful sense of OWNAGE. He felt that, with Jedi powers, he could not only conquer any Ninja or Pirate who dared face him, but also control citrus fruits through the powers of pursuasion. That evening he struck out with the Jedi on their very shiny ship to their homework of Coruscant.
Under the watchful eye of Que "Quisanart" Gone Gin, Obi-Wan began his training with the other Jedi padawans. He quickly excelled at growing a rat tail and looking mean in a childish way (these trains eventually matured and deminished when he grew his noted Jedi beard. It's difficult to look childish with a beard, unless you cannot grow a mustache... which Obi-Wan could). During his training with Que-Gone Gin, the Shit Lord Darth Ridiculous stole Que-Gone's bike, which Obi-Wan subsequently returned. (This is also discussed in the Parable of The Force and the Memoirs of Yo!Da!.) Kenobi then enjoyed a short fortune as a storyboard writer, writing some short stories and essays for the great best-seller Holy Bible, which can accredit, among others, Luke Skywalker, Ronnie James Dio and, last but not least, Saint Honore
During his quest to return Que-Gone's bike, the young Kenobi crossed paths with a child who was strangely powerful in the Force, especially for a young child. Believing he had stumbled upon the Messiah, as was one day prophecised by the Jedi holy writings, Obi-Wan took the youth, Bananaking Skywalker, under his wing. Bad idea, Master Kenobi. In the meantime, Obi-Wan's master Que-Gone was killed during a duel over a very nice Bike which was stolen from the Jedi temple, and Obi-Wan ascended to the rank of master.
Obi-Wan used his rank of master of training to land a job at Sky West Airlines based in Salt Lake City Utah. He went under the moniker of "Good Ol' Ben" where he spent countless days walking the halls of the training facility and writing mundane email messages to flight crews. After too many years he finally passed the light saber to Verdean " eat your lunch" Weiner.
[edit] Gyenocological Phase
It was at this point that he started his brief career as an Ob-Gyn (hence one of his nicknames). He lost his certification when he attempted to use a light sabre as a speculum. He managed to mind-trick the judge into giving him a lighter sentence but decided to abstain from any further medical ventures unless prompted by great need.
[edit] That Pain in the Ass Kid
Obi-Wan, obviously, had vested time in the training of Bananaking, so when a young Jesus was sent to study with Master Yo!Da!, Kenobi was intrigued and disheartened at the apparent fowl-up he had committed in the desert. Kenobi, though was terribly perplexed. Not only did Skywalker excel at growing a rat tail, he was by far the best Padawan ever at looking mean in a childish way. Obi-Wan was certain that this kid was the Chosen One from the text.
Despite the diligent training of Padawan Skywalker, Obi-Wan could not help but see surges of anger inside the youth. Kenobi eventually discovered the tandem of dissidence in Skywalker: His perplexing fascination with Cheese, and the teenager's dire connection with his Mother and that damn hot Queen from Naboo. Seeing how this could only lead to the Dark Side, Obi-Wan insisted that Bananaking train only on Coruscant. Over time, turmoil in the senate brought Amidala, now a Senator, to Coruscant, ever heightening Skywalker's sexual frustration. Obi-Wan, in the meantime, was busy doing what good Jedi do, his duty to the Senate which the Jedi Order pledged its allegiance.
In the end, Obi-Wan was deceived by the Shit Lords, and the War began anyway. Seeing the dangerous nature of the relationship between Skywalker and that Damn Hot Senator, Kenobi requested that he and Skywalker be transferred to the Outer Rim to fight the Separatists. The Council agreed. While at war, Kenobi became remarkably well known for his drunken binges between his successful negotiating work for the Senate, defusing volatile situations more than once with a good pint of Guinness. As the War drew farther and farther towards the Capital of Coruscant, Obi-Wan feared his apprentice was dabbling in less and less Jedi Arts and more and more poontang pie.
[edit] Bananaking Skywalker's Turn
Distinguishing himself more and more for his good deeds and sounding more and more cryptic like Master Yo!Da! snoop Dogg, Jesus was granted the rank of Jedi Master and was teamed with Obi-Wan to mediate disputes between Senate members. This infuriated Bananaking Skywalker, as he grew more jealous of Jesus for being such an exemply Jedi, as well as his notoriaty for being an excellent carpenter and fisherman (although there where not any more natural water sources of Coruscant, and therefore no fish. Bananaking was baffled by this description of the One from Nazareth.) Obi-Wan grew to enjoy working with Jesus more and more, probably as a result of Bananaking's noted distance and sex stink. When Obi-Wan recommended that he and Bananaking talk about their Master-Apprentice relationship over a pint of bitters, Skywalker exploded and overturned the table. Kenobi was mortified at the waste of such good beer. After ordering two more pints, he then realized that Bananaking was gone. During his search for her apprentice, he was sent to the Outter Rim to try to find the notorious and dangerous General Grievous, in a hope to end the War.
It was while Obi-Wan was on assignment Utapau that Bananaking renounced the Jedi way of life, chopped of Mace Windo's arm, and attacked Jesus. Jesus fended off the attack from Skywalker, now turned to the Dark Side, but not without injury to His side. Obi-Wan, meanwhile, defeated Grievous and himself suffered attack from his own troops, most likely because they wanted to steal the patent on his banana, now that the War was to be over. Getting away in the nick of time, as is the Jedi style of doing things, Obi-Wan returned to Coruscant, too late to witness the destruction of the Jedi temple. Kenobi found it was time to face Bananaking and get payback on all the days he lost baby-sitting him.
[edit] The Fellowship
After kicking Bananaking Skywalker's butt, then Darth Spader's ass, Obi-Wan took a sabadable from the atrocities of politicing and War. Flying as quickly as he could from his defeat of Skywalker, Obi-Wan eventually had to land to replenish his Guinness stocks.
The planet he arrived on was lush, quiet, and peaceful. To his surprise, the planet was populated with a variety of humanoids, both of his stature and of smaller statures. Kenobi settled in an annonymous town at the bottom of a valley, just a walk's away from what was commonly called The Shire by the little people who inhabitied the Valley.
He could not escape politics for long, however. Despite his attempts to blend in with others of his kind, he was quickly spotted by another Jedi who had gone into voluntary exile. The gray haired and bearded man, going by the name of Gandolf, was the Jedi who had trained Kenobi's Master, Que-Gone Gin. Master Dooku, as it were, and Obi-Wan quickly became associated, although their political views differed substantially.
When War struck Middle Earth, as the inhabitants of the planet called it, Obi-Wan had grown tired of lounging around his solutary bachelor's pad. (Although he never grew tired of drinking beer.) Having appropriated himself a gut from lack of exercise, he thought it would do him good to strike out to help the peoples of Middle Earth. He, initially, was not selected for the mission that insued, but when Dooku, under the guise of a wizard, fell into a pit (an early sign that he would turn to a Shit Lord, for more explanation, see The Force)), Obi-Wan joined the campaign.
As it were, Kenobi helped the hobbits make their way deep into Mordor, all the way to the Mount of Doom. As Frodo returned the One Ring to Mount Doom, Sauron attempted to strike the party with Lightening, which Kenobi deflected, instinctly, with his lightsaber. Having now shattered his disguise as a warrior, Obi-Wan quickly retreated from the world after Sauron's defeat.
After helping Frodo return the One Ring to Mount Doom and defeating Sauron, Kenobi received an urgent telegram from his goddaughter, Princess Leia, who was stuck on the planet Dagobomb without an electronic monitoring bracelet. He returned to Earth several centuries later and fell on hard times: His preference for wearing nothing but layers of bathrobes in public and his famous hentai collection made it difficult for him to find work in a Post-Sauron world. One day he returned home to find Jesus living in the cellar of his house, drinking, and illegally tapping into the Banana and his cable TV.
Kenobi challenged Jesus to a duel, but Jesus showed him how he'd upgraded the Banana, and got some Ra-type signals into it. Jesus then used his Magical God Powers, and teleported them both to an orgy. After they came back, he and Obi-Wan partied for at least forty days and forty nights. Kenobi was tired and went into a jedi-and-soda induced rest state and was buried in Jerusalem, where today his tomb is a popular tourist site and destination for pilgrims. Over his tomb was later built what is known as the Great Dome of Jerusalem, which is as green as his lightsaber.
Eventually, it is fortold that someone will shout out 'That Big Black Box is A Yellow Sphere!', and Obi-Wan shall become as one with the force again, and project into everyone's minds simultaneously the porno that is happening on Ra's channel - Alpha Omega Beta Delta. The great simultaneous Orgasm will thus commence for at least 72 hours, for all the people of the earth, regardless whether they have had faith in the Great Dance Party Of Kenobi or not.
It is told that the news centers will have a field day, though most of the reporters will be too busy moaning to perform any coherent statements. Those that do perform coherent statements will also be moaning, but between breaths shall manage to squeeze out a coherent word or so.
