# Object Permanence

They can't fool me twice.

Object permanence is the concept that, just because you don't see something, doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Usually, it is learned at age 2. Like, when I put my thumb up to block the moon, it isn't actually destroyed. Or when I close a door behind me, the room I was in doesn't disappear. Or when... come on, I can see you behind that chair, okay? You aren't getting it. The most important thing to remember is that once you "get" object permanence, you can't lose it: like riding a bicycle. Also like a bicycle, you ESPECIALLY can't lose it right in the middle of explaining it in an encyclopedic article like this one. That would be waaaayyy too wacky.

## Look, it's very simple.

No, no, look here. *SNAP* look here, okay? It's very simple. Wikipedia says that "Object permanence is the term used to describe the awareness that objects continue to exist even when they are no longer visible." Now, I know you probably haven't read Wikipedia that much, being that you're a baby, but it's wikipedia! They don't let any old idiot edit it. You know why? Because it's guaranteed 90% FACT. Besides, it's not that hard a concept to understand in the first place. Like I said before: Thumb -> Moon -> Still there. Thumb + Moon = Moon, not thumb. (Don't get confused: Moon + Thumb does not equal a thumb-moon. That's just stupid. You're stupid.)

## Over here, honey, over here!

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Object Permanence.
(d) WTF??? I'm 38 and I don't get this diagram.

Stop that, okay? Stop it. ST-Stop iiittt. Here, let's play hide and seek, and I think you'll see what I mean. ooooh! Where did I gooo? OOOoohhh! No no no, stop crying! I'm sorry, I'm right here baby. Please stop crying! Oh shit, where's that pacifier... ${\displaystyle Thumb+Moon=Still_{There}}$, get it? Everything exists even if you're not looking at it. Stop crying, I'm right here! You see! I don't think you understand, you stupid baby!

When I put my thumb up against the moon, it doesn't disappear. I mean, I hope it doesn't. I mean, I've never really tried it, but, like, it couldn't disappear... unless I'm God... But that's silly. That's, *AHEM*, just a silly dream. A silly dream from my youth...

## Well, I mean, it just makes sense.

Yeah, heh, I mean, you're still there aren't you, you dumb baby? Aren't you? Yeah! This theory's not crazy. I'm not crazy. You're still there, aren't you baby?! You're right over... HA! Just kidding. I saw you behind those neurotoxins. If there's one thing I've learned from being a babysitter: You can't kid a kidder. I know that things still exist when I'm not looking at them. I'm more than 2 years old, and they can't fool me twice. How does that saying go? Well, anyway, they did fool me once, but fool me twice... shame on... shame on them!

I mean, this concept has been around for a long time! Ever since man was 2 years old, this theory has persisted in the face of all kinds of evidence... No, that's not right. It's persisted in the face of all kinds of gut feelings that very important scientists have had. It's believed by all sorts of highly paid psychologists and by Damon Lindelof himself, for one thing. I realize that they're paid so much that they would probably tell us anything, but that's not the point. The point is that grown-up adult mature people are correct, while, on the other hand, you're just a stupid baby. ...no offense.

## Object Permanence really makes a lot of sense.

Okay, granted, it isn't crazy to assume that things disappear when you're not looking at them. Sure, it could happen. However, it probably won't. That would be weird, and I don't do weird. You can't steal things THAT fast. Baby, you made good points, however you're forgetting that you're just a dumb baby that doesn't have a degree like I do. I have a degree, with a real signature at the bottom and everything. Okay, let's line up the reasoning behind this theory, little baby, and I think you'll see what I'm talking about:

1. Nobody's fast enough to steal things just because I'm not looking at them: except Superman, and we all know he's retired.
2. They wouldn't try it twice: They got me before, but I'm smarter now. For one thing, I'm older, and I know better.
3. The psychologists are honest: Just because they're paid gobs and gobs of money to tell us about object permanence doesn't mean that they would lie... does it?
4. I know what would happen: Obviously, I've never put my thumb in front of the moon, but if I did, I'm willing to bet a nickel that it wouldn't disappear... right?
...

## THE MOON IS IN PERIL!!!

(m) WTF???

Oh jesus, we need a plan. WE NEED A PLAN. Shut up, SHUT UP! This Object Permanence thing is a lie. I can believe my DAD would lie to me about object permanence, but my MOM WAS IN ON IT TOO?? Sit still, okay? Sit still! I'm still talking to you! We need to make people look at the moon. We need to MAKE people LOOK at the moon before it disappears!! Christ, christ, christ, what the hell do we do now?

## OH SHIT

Stop crying, okay? STOP CRYING! We just need to keep looking at each other. It's too fuckin' late for the moon, but we can still save ourselves. KEEP LOOKING AT ME! I JUST REALIZED SOMETHING: Unless everyone is looking at everything... THE UNIVERSE WILL FUCKIN' END. Okay, calm down, calm down, I have an idea... that's just crazy enough to work...

We just have to make sure that we're looking at things! STOP CRYING! The universe will end if you don't stop crying, you dumb baby! Here, I'll start looting while you keep looking at me. We're going to need a damn plan!

## I HAVE AN IDEA

Put on this silver jumpsuit, baby. PUT IT ON! Oh wait, you can't do it yet... okay, there. Now, if we run down the street, while looking at each other, we just might make it out of this thing alive. That's it! KEEP SCREAMING! KEEP SCREAMING!! HERE, HOLD THIS BOOMBOX!! YEAH, I'M LIVIN' LA VIDA LOCA! LOOK AT ME! LOOOK AAT M-

## WHERE AM I?!

Oh god dammit. Who wasn't looking? Where's that damn baby? HEY, HE STOLE MY BOOMBOX!

 Attempt to explain jokeThis article attempts to explain a joke in minute detail, as if to an idiot, a very small child, or a very small child who is also an idiot. It also attempts to explain its own explanation, which, if successful, could result in crashing the universe. Please do not crash the universe.

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