The Offspring

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History[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about The Offspring.

Forming the band[edit]

Orange County nuclear plant security guards Dexter Holland and Greg Kriesel thought of forming a Justice League, with Dexter as "Nuke Man" and Greg as Dexters sidekick, "Greg". After trying to ruin an avril punk rock/rawk concert and getting a royal ass-kicking, they decided to play music instead. School custodian Noodles 'Buttfuck' Wasserman joins up, allegedly for his ability to legally purchase toys like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles-action figures and Hot Wheels-cars for the underage trio. The threesome practice in Kriesel's parents' house's basement's hidden soundproof room and play their first shows on the moon. later that next month they died when trying to sell some t shirts in a cave and then some fuckwipe with a car drove into a sweat refinery in the quarry where some meth was being cooked and the skin, flesh and guts vaporised off of THE mops-pring and are zombies now you can see it in the movie TWILIGHT!

Stuff happens[edit]

The band, originally called Offspring, changes its name to THE Offspring. They thought the word "the" was awesome. They press up 1 copy of the debut vinyl single, “I‘ll Be Waiting“ b/w “Blackball,” on their own Black Label, and subsequently wonder why they aren't selling millions of copies.

More stuff happens[edit]

Their debut album was a self-titled album, called 'Offspring' and is a perfect example of The Offspring's unique, TSOL-Ramones-Boris Yeltsin-esque style. It immediately had no effect whatsoever on any band, genre or person, an achievement which is still celebrated to this day. The band supposedly originally had a drummer who was fired in favour of a gynecologist.

Selling out[edit]

After doing nothing at all to support the album since they had no idea how to play in a band, Greg sat on Brett Gurewitz until he allowed the band to release albums on Epitaph Records. They subsequently recorded two new albums, the first about setting stuff on fire, and another about breaking stuff.

When they were compared to Green Day, Dexter threw a fit and killed three of the band's drummers. He was subsequently kicked out of school, allowing the band to tour more and causing people to actually hear about them.

Failing at selling out[edit]

In 1997 The Offspring decided, what the hell, let's release another album. Instead of fooling for the old trap of repeating the same sound as before (in this case, the sound of Smash, which had won them instantaneous fame, money and set the record for the most amount sold ever on an indie label) and wisely decided to concentrate on a new sound and, I know, let's move to a bigger label and ditch the other one, because that would be a good move, wouldn't it? So if you guys are, like, really nice, you know, they might release a new album, right?

The result was the 1997 album, Ixnay On The Hombre. Nobody in America understood how to pronounce the title and therefore it sold 0 copies there. In Europe, there was one word for every language spoken, which caused peace among all the different nations and all that queer stuff.

It was also a fucking disaster.

Successfully really selling out[edit]

Following an unprosperous year (1997), The Offspring created yet another album, Americana, which totally whored the whole music scene for years, man, and then made yet another in 2000, 'Conspiracy of Fonz', which was, apart from being a carbon copy of Americana, a general slap in the face to Happy Days fans everywhere (or anywhere), and produced such singles as 'I Want You Badly Injured' (again referring to the Fonz) and 'Million Miles Away', referring to the subsequent court order placed upon the band, that they be allowed nowhere near the star.

In savage retribution The Offspring wrote and recorded the non-album single 'Defile You', featuring the lyrics: "The more you 'heeeeeeeeey!', the more I defile you, so just drop the case, whoa, yeah".

The LOST Member[edit]

There was a 4th member who played guitar ever since the band died in the early 80's, but was a ghost and wasn't visible most of the time, his name was ryan. his guitar playing was so awesome that it peeled the skin off of the listeners who were retarded, Ryan did all of the solos in their debut album (the offspring) because noodles actually could not play guitar until ignition, most of ryan's guitar parts were ommited after the album before 1994s smash and ryan felt that he was a burden on the other members, especially when all the girls at live shows were only taking off their shirts for him only, so he disappeared and was never seen again. Later the producer monkey fucks found a picture in his guitar case of him when he was alive walking in front of a running train, and on the back it said "eat me stupid producer fuckwipes!". Ryan now resides in the afterlife in southern california where he submits midis of the offspring peoples music on forums and in older dos games, and remixes all of their music so that only his guitar can be heard, in fact here's his mix of self esteem: http://www.megaupload.com/?d=8DH1AGBF now it smells like teen spirit

Oh wait apparently not[edit]

In 2003, the drummer left, causing the other members to say "Whoa, we had a drummer!?" They then recorded another album, this time dissing Axl Rose, titled "Chinese Democra-- no wait just kidding Splinter". The drums consisted of producer Brendan O'Brien beatboxing and everyone else banging on walls. Nobody noticed the difference between this and the drums to Metallica's St. Anger. It was mercilessly released the same year to a terrified public, causing several major music channels to forcefully not show any videos whatsoever, and many radio stations to not play any songs at all. Meanwhile, the Fonz went into hiding following police advice, and continued to stay there and not come out for many years henceforth.

In 2005, The Offspring released a Greatest Hits album, trying to cover up the fact that they had done bugger all for two years except for one song, 'Can't Repeat', which actually was a repeat of 'The Kids Aren't Alright'.

Messed Up Stuff[edit]

In 2004, Dexter had said they would be, like, recording a new album soon, you know, right? Except they didn't. In 2006, he, like, met with Bob Rock who would produce their new album. After 3 million years of recording, they finally released the record, titled Echoes, Silence, Patience & Grace. However, during the pressing of the album the cover art was accidentally switched with that of a My Chemical Romance album. The albums first single, Hammerhead, has received a certain amount of radio play in Belarus and Mongolia, but nowhere else. The album was released in late 2008 with singles, "Hammerhead", "You're not Going Far Kid" and, "Krist why is this Song so Gay?". The video for, "Hammerhead" was made by a fan who could not understand the lyrics or the satire behind the song. The video for, "You're not Going Far Kid" shows just how bad The Offspring's budget has become, since Bob Rock happened to intercept the fat paycheck from Columbia Records that was meant for The Offspring. The video for, "Krist why is this Song so Gay?" featured Dexter with a long golden wig playing an acoustic guitar while a boy in a high school is checking out a girl.

The End Of The MopSpring[edit]

In early July 2008 the guys decided to do something entirely different from anything they've done before, unfortunately, nothing they had ever done before was too close to what they had ever done before that, because part of successfully selling out means bending your music to what's popular for the day.

Experts aren't sure just when The Offspring really died, some claim that anything post-Ignition was not The Offspring, some claim anything post-Smash is not The Offspring. However, as of 2008, most experts agree that anything post-Ryan Welty isn't The Offspring in all of their glory. Because all of The Offspring's albums are so diverse anyway, except for Conspiracy of One and Splinter, which are very similar, it is impossible to say that the band has ever really sold out. Just been observant.

Saying that The Offspring have sold out is saying that Weird Al has sold out. Both seem to copy whatever manages to be on the charts for a decent period of time and then copy it and change a few things around. Since Ryan Welty, Josh Freesbee has done all of their in-studio drumming. For a while they had Angles and Airwaves drummer Atom Willbard play live shows, but then Willbard decided to be a retard and go play with a band that was comprised entirely of homosexuals. "It'th jutht clother to whoo Ay am...hehe..." Says Willbard.

Since then, The Offspring have hired a desperate Mexican dude named Pete Paradawithyourstuffa because they figured that he would not quit because nobody else would hire a Mexican, especially with a name like that. Ever since Time Again's slot was taken by another Mexican drummer.

Guitar Wierdo: The Oddspring[edit]

In 2045 The Oddspring and Actressvision released an Oddspring Guitar Wierdo game, it Included such songs as Dammit! No Change Again, Big Mac, Pesticide, Spare Me The Emails, Need Some Tissues, (I Don't Think) I Bowl Very Good, Pimple Cream, Credit card and many more.

The game sold 10 copies and was banned in 3 countries and 45 states.

Dickography[edit]

  • The Mopspring (1989)
  • Egaculation (1992)
  • He Smashed My Xbox (1994)
  • Ixnay on the Evageclay (1997)
  • Bleed American(oh wait that's another band) (20??)
  • Condickulation of None (2000)
  • There's a Splinter on my Penis (2003)
  • The Crappy Album (2008)
  • My Dick will go on (2012)


External links[edit]