Ohio
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“so cut my wrists and black MY EYES!”
~ Hawthorne Heights on living in Ohio
ATTENTION The below is a bunch of crap. Ohio is a wonderful place. It's full of Emos like me and we all get together and cut ourselves because our lives are hard. In fact, my heart is in Ohio!
Ohio is a place in the United States that likes to think of itself as being round on both sides and "hi" in the middle. America's dillhole, in other words. Ohio has the official motto "At least we're not West Virginia or England." The uneducated people in southern Ohio generally great each other with a simple "Who Dey?"
It's called the Midwest because even though it's 10 times closer to New York than it is to California, the people there are so uneducated they believe it's somewhere around Kansas. Besides it's flat as a pancake and Keira Knightley's chest anyway.
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[edit] Going to Ohio (God forbid)
As soon as you enter you are greeted by clogged toilets and 14-year old girls who wish to blow you for drug money. Welcome to Ohio.
On the one hand, its a friendly place if you are north of Interstate 70, which bisects the state. On the other hand, if you aren't White Anglo Saxon and Protestant and find yourself south of the freeway, you can pretty much kiss future good-bye because those people don't cotton to anyone who wouldn't die for the KKK. This area of the state is often referred to as West-West Virginia, North-Northern of the Commonwealth of Kentuckistan, and Southeastern-Southnorthern Indiana. If you should find yourself in Cincinnati then man you are really screwed.
If, through an inability to navigate the many, many orange traffic barrels that have become the state mascot you do get stuck south of Interstate 70, remember this simple phrase - "I'd like a drink of war-tur, please." It's an ancient code to pass as a local, much like how "please" functions as "I do not understand you, please repeat that" in Cincinnati.
In the past, Ohio played a major role in the development of the United States, but since 1973 its been regarded as the type of place that one no longer drives to, but instead is the type of place that one drives through. Many anime fans visit the state thinking it is the Japanese province of Ohayo. It has totally shitty weather that will make you gouge your eyes out, and is only nice when there is no humidity and some clouds out. Which is to say that the only place south of Cananda with worse weather is Michigan.
The one saving grace for being in Ohio is that female topless sunbathing is legal and permitted in all Ohio parks.
[edit] Natural Wonders
Among Ohio's many scenic wonders is the Giant Pile of Tires on Fire outside Canton, Ohio. The pile, once four hundred feet high has been burning since 1977. This black cloud - which the Indians named Kent roughly translates to: Fucking shit! Look what white man do to our home!
However, possibly the most fascinating phenomenon takes place surprisingly regularly. Ohioans are a passive, friendly race, similar to cows in nature and intelligence alike, but when a football game of importance occurs within the state's borders, every Ohioan within a 100-mile radius flocks to the site of the game with urgency. Those who are not able to attend are suddenly flooded with a mysterious psychosomatic energy, which is mainly expressed in the form of violent, profane howling at the nearest television, accompanied by an uncharacteristic amount of movement expressed by the Ohioan. Victories and failures for the favored team both traditionally end in the traditional postgame sport of "finding", in which the entire audience of the football game participates.
You know what? Just stand in a Wal-Mart restroom for 20 minutes and you will get the gist of what Ohio is. It's a lot cheaper too.
[edit] History of Ohio
The president of Ohio is Steve Saxon! The Ohio-Michigan War of 1820 erupted over which state owned a strip of land, approximately one mile wide that stretched from Lake Erie to the Indiana State line. Ohio insisted that the bleak, unproductive land belonged to Michigan. Michigan on the other hand wanted no part of it. Both States tried to give the land to Ottawa tribe which turned up its nose and opted for the dusty wasteland of what is now Oklahoma. The first salvo was hurled when Ohio map makers named the land "Sylvania, Michigan" (meaning: Place where television grows wild) and colored it in Pink, the same color as the badger state on the map at hand. Michigan returned fire by moving the city of Monroe Michigan to the mouth of the Maumee River and renamed it Toledo.
Then things got ugly.
By 1911, people from Michigan were snubbed by Ohio's upper crust society, and Ohio became the dumping ground for all of Michigan's poorly built automobiles. Things got so bad that the air was ripe with discontent. To settle the matter, the two states fronted Football teams which would "meet annually to do battle on the field of sportsmanship." While the Champion gets to rid itself of the unwanted land, the loser is crowned a "sucker" and gets stuck with the unwanted land for the next 365 days. Presuming that the following year is a leap year, the extra day of ownership is bestowed upon Florida, which has nicknamed the strip of land "Lake Erie Butthole." The Floridan government was not pleased, and in 2005, they attempted to force all Ohioan citizens to dance constantly. Upon Ohio's refusal, Florida began shooting missiles, with a power level of over 9,000 of course, at Upper Arlington, Ohio. Specifically, a Penn Station situated in one of Upper Arlington's suburbs. Ohio, after much contemplation and realization of the severity of the issue - "shit, that's the one city we get half our money from!" - they decided to keep secret the incident, and bargain Florida into allowing the Florida Gators to bludgeoning Ohio State Buckeyes in the next few championships, including football and basketball. Ohio, being the football obsessors they are, care for crapcakes about the basketball incident.
In 1980, the city was gone. There was no train station or no downtown. South Howard had disappeared. The pretty countryside had been paved down the middle by a government that had no pride. The farms of Ohio had been replaced by shopping malls. Muzak filled the air from Seneca to Cuyahoga Falls.
[edit] Cleveland, as bad as you think
For many years, Cleveland Ohio, also known as "The Mistake By The Lake", was the national joke in the United States. The city was so bad (HOW BAD WAS IT?) that even Jimmy Hoffa's body didn't want to be found there. (Cleveland humor - as bad as it sounds).
The city fathers decided to clean up the city, starting with a giant magic show: Making Water Burn. In 1967 they lit the Cuyahoga River on fire and entered into the Guinness Book of World Records as hosting the world's largest weenie and marshmallow roast. Nice try, but no thank you.
In response, God placed a horrifyingly terrible curse on the city. However, in a move of compassion, he promised never to give Cleveland such a bad turn again. As a sign, he endowed the city with the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. There was also a Rock and Knoll Hall of Game, but this should have been placed in the redneck city of the state, Sunbury, in Delaware County. The collection can now be seen in the basement of the mayors house. Mt. Vernon decided that it needed something special and celebrated the fact that author of 'Dixie' and 'Turkey in The Straw', Dan Emmet, was born there. This was a bad move, as out-of-county-ers thought the festival celebrating this man was called "The Dammit Festival". Some residents believe it is.
Cleveland is also a popular breeding ground for Emos, the mysterious cousins of the less-pussy-ish Goths. Emos and Poser-Emos alike cluster around Cleveland, cutting themselsves for attention and forcing their lifestyle choices on us sane Clevelanders.
[edit] Economy
Between 1790 and November 27, 1972 at 11:52AM, Ohio was a young man and went to make his millions. However at 11:53AM, the whole shebang went to Hell in a hand basket and since then people have been screaming to get the Hell out of Ohio. In 1999, Ohio was about to enter into a "merger of equals" with Germany when the government in Berlin got cold feet, said that "it isn't you, its me" and "can't we just be friends instead?". This left poor Ohio at the altar, all dressed up and no where to go.
[edit] Trivia
- Charles Manson and Marilyn Manson were born in Ohio. Hint hint.
- When soaked overnight in ginger ale, Ohio becomes spongy and viable for use in metallurgy.
- Ohio is home of Devo, (HELL YEAH!) but Chrissie Hynde can't go home to CuyA-hooo-GA Falls, because her city is gone. Why, why, why Ohio?
- Buckeye cookies line the eastern border of the state, as they are the only known deterrent for the Chip Chopped Ham Soldiers of the Grand Duchy of Pittsburg, which has been seeking the 'H' that Ohio stole in 1984 after Pittsburg insulted Ohio's Queen
- Ohio's best days are behind it - its great big fat behind.
- In reality, Ohio is spelled with two Q's instead of O's.
- Ohio is high in the middle and round on both ends.
- There are 88 counties in Ohio. (They wanted to be like a piano)
- Columbus, Ohio is the gangsta rap capital of Ohizzle.
- The rotunda in the Ohio State Capitol building is painted with a mosaic depicting great moments in Ohio history, including the Second Coming of Oscar Wilde, the Battle of Yavin and the burning of the Cuyahoga River. The paints used contain all natural ingredients, among which are lark's vomit, zebra dung, and crocodile corneas.
- While in Ohio, if someone near you says "O-H!" You must respond with "I-O!" or be prosecuted. It IS actually a law.
- Ohio was put on the map to provide a base for the militant penguins.
- Ohio only has two seasons, summer and winter, and they are interchangeable.
- 99.3% of Ohio is made of foam rubber - so its extra bouncy bouncy.
- Tourettes Guy lives in "O-H!" and "I-O."
- Ohio stands in for New Jersey as national laughing stock for two months in summer when Jersey's off on vacation.
- Underage drinking is the state pastime.
- You must ask for "pop" to receive a Pepsi/Sprite/etc at a restaurant. Soda is a foreign word in Ohio.
- Cedar Point is located in Sandusky, Ohio. It is home to torture machines that people "ride" at over one hundred miles per hour in the air. Legend says that people actually pay to use the machines, and pay $20 for bottled water while there.
- Locals have been known to suffer from extreme addictions to controlled substances known on the street as "Donato's Pizza" and "Chipotle". Caution to visitors from states without these: do not try these! I don't care how good they say it tastes!
- Ohio receives two days of sunlight every year. These terrify the native people, and so for the infamous "Days Of Flame", they hide in their houses and await the actions of a group of noble templars in white armor to cast their benevolent magicks, and obscure the sun once again.
- The Japanese call Ohio "Good Morning"
- "We have the state's largest Topix board," said b_town_bob to the blind Hummingbird.
[edit] See also
- Ken Blackwell, Secretary of State
- Bob Hope
- Queen of Cleveland, Ohio
