Old Folks Home

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When the local sports team needs the arena, we lock the olds in the basement.

“ God's waiting room? does that make God a dentist? ”

~ Oscar Wilde on On nursing homes

An old folks home is a storage facility for societies most worthless, the olds, because so called "human rights organizations" have declared the camps as "a crime against humanity." Your mom is an old folks home.



Invented in 1867, as a way of keeping old people from walking the Earth. Old people's homes are concentration camps for the aged, and they will be eventually subject to torture and pain of death, if they don't renounce the view that "the good old days" were good. An average old people's home, such as Holland house, is roughly the size of luxembourg, and contain many rooms, all of which are connected via bus stops (in order to preserve Old People's way of greeting other old peoples. However no buses ever arrive, and a virtual newspaper letter column is available for the old people to write in and complain.

Dickinson Rebellion of 1945[edit]

In 1945, Lord Daffid Dickinson III broke free from an old people's home. He led a revolution in which the few survivors of old people's homes managed to safely escape, however his plans failed as the old people quickly complained about the cold, and that they were missing countdown. Thus they returned, and were punished, via method of forced eating. Daffid is rumored to go by the name of David, and pretends to not care about the cold by wearing a fake tan.

Recent years[edit]

In 1977, when Saturday Night Fever was popular, disco was introduced into old folks homes, and are now noted as the most exciting places in the world, and many of the residents have been found to be imposters; people as young as 18 disguised as old people. Old folks homes are places which assist the elderly to live longer and feel more alive, rather than just leave them be too original, with the women sitting in a lounge chair doing the knitting and the men sitting in a lounge chair reading the newspaper. Men are given Viagra on a daily basis if they are too old and crippled to dance, just so they'd have something to play with to reduce the chance of boredom. The women who are too old and crippled are allowed into the crippled men's rooms.

My Grandma[edit]

You might say that my grandma has seen better days, but as a matter of fact, she hasn't (just look at me), and this is because she's in what's called an old folks home. She has been given a nice place to sit and be tied down, medication is forced into her rotting digestive system on a daily basis, and she gets to call me up at any time she wants. [1]


Another popular form of torture involves badgers and two sledgehammers. These methods have since been described as unfair to the sledgehammers, who have a very powerful union. New methods include playing music loudly and refusing to turn it down under any circumstance, and creating artificial world war IIs. It is rumored that Bruce Forsyth is currently plotting in an old people's home somewhere off the coast of Scotland.

Because old people eventually die, the old people's homes argue that it would be much tidyer for everybody else if it happened sooner. Therefore they ensure the quickest, most painful death imaginable. These usually involve young people who are the arch-enemies of old people.

Entertainment in an Old Folks Home[edit]

  • Forced continued looped viewing of Pauly Shore's Biodome and/or Pearson's Medical Assisting healthcare videos
  • Evening metal rod beatings of the bottom of the feet.
  • Disco (Stayin' Alive is a HUGE favourite)
  • Amusement Park
  • Tic-Tac-Waterboarding
  • Circus
  • Movies

Education in an Old Folks Home[edit]

  • Breathing
  • Why your voting is bad for society and humanity
  • How to be a worthless, cranky asshole
  • What we'll do to you if you insist on driving our minibus
  • Bible Class

Food in an Old Folks Home[edit]

  • Prunes
  • Body parts of recently-deceased Olds (usually when they're on a tight budget and can't afford to feed them anything else)
  • Fish Juice
  • Raw meat
  • Laxative-JELLO Shots
  • Lint
  • Nothing, if you misbehave


  1. Of course, only if she is heavily sedated first.

See also[edit]