Saint Olivia Newton John

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Hopelessly Devoted to God
For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Olivia Newton-John.


Her Holiness Saint Olivia Newton John is the Queen of Grease, having inherited the throne from her father Isaac Newton. She was made a saint by the last pope, Hans Moleman, despite not being a) dead, b) a catholic, c) over 4ft7. She is not to be confused with Olivia Mutant John, her evil twin and 73rd Antichrist (after Chris de Burgh).

Her Works[edit]

Olivia Newton John, prior to becoming saint, invented the Internet; however, she failed to patent it and the idea was stolen by one Al Gore, who was a pupil of hers until he turned to evil. This, due to Einstein's "Time" theory, caused the end of the universe, otherwise known as Grease, in which she played Sandy Olsson, the elder sister of Mary-Kate, Ashley and Spiderman Olson.

The Pope saw Grease when it went on its infamous "Vatican Tour", and is reported to have described it as "bitchin' terrific, yo", though of course he said this in the official language of the Vatican, Quenya. He then summoned her to his Winter palace on the third Death Star where, as his sex slave, she performed many miracles, such as walking on Walter and (after a mysterious suicide whereby a moon fell on her head) being resurrected as Michelle Pff... Fei... Catwoman for Grease 2.

Her Canonization[edit]

The Pope made Olivia a saint in the traditional way, by firing her out of a cannon onto the planet of Alderaan. Whilst there, she trained with Jedi Master Stimpy and eventually beat John Kerry to become Pope in 2004. Her current whereabouts are unknown, but intelligence suggests that this man, known only as Yuri, may be planning Grease 3, due to star God as the black sidekick to Owen Wilson.