On ice

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By combining figure skating with modern cryogenics, refrigeration technology has improved modern culture to an almost incalculable degree.

On ice is a state of being for people, places, and things. Placing things on ice is a way of honoring people, places and things that have already won just about every award that they could ever win, but nevertheless require additional, and to some extent superfluous, honors. It can also be a way of preserving people (for example, Walt Disney and Zsa Zsa Gabor’s face) and things like food and highly contagious virus samples that could wipe all living things of the face of the Earth faster than you could say Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.


Because it is so cool!

[Ed: Yeah, yeah. You got something better?]

[Ed2: Yeah in my pants. And it made you cry like a woman time it went up your Holland Tunnel for a look see.]

Age of Ice[edit]

Ice is so important, it earned its own epoch, known by scholars as the Frozen Water Age. It was during the "iAge" (as it quickly became known to its closest associates) that human beings learned how putting things "on ice" could preserve the things, while sealing out unpleasant odors, and sealing in freshness.

During the Frozen Water Age, everything from plants to mastodons got caught up in the ice phenomenon, resulting in the formation of mastodon cubes, later referred to as the San Francisco treat.

Disney on Ice[edit]

Walt Disney is probably the most famous person who ever had his or her body put on ice. Disney died in 1966, had his body placed in a pumpkin, and then had the pumpkin placed in a deep-freeze at Disneyland — where it has been scaring the Hell out of little children since 1966.

To honor this marvel of science, the Walt Disney Company has been taking its tired, worn out movie characters and putting them on ice ever since, in a less — but not by much — horrific way.

Disney on Ice is a compendium of movie plots and gigantic foam costumes worn by dwarves who "interpret" the real world, on ice. The pirouetting, looping, and spinning moves of the skaters are matched to disemboweled disembodied voices and terrible music, all for the low, low price of $40 (USD) for adults and $20 for children. It’s tepid family entertainment at its finest!

Disney on Ice Productions[edit]

  • Cinderella on Ice
  • Herbie the Love Bug on Icy Roads
  • Old Yeller on Ice
  • Bedknobs and Broomsticks on Ice (Adults only)

Stars on Ice[edit]

For skaters who aren’t so ashamed of their talents that they need a huge foam costume to hide the shame of their vocation, there is Stars on Ice. This show takes Olympic roller-skating champions and puts them on ice, which allows them to attain extreme speeds and perform amazing feats of danger and stupidity.

In 2006, Kristy Yamaguchi became the first Asian in space when she went into a skid while performing a triple kamikaze toe loop at the speed of 400 miles per hour.

Dancing on Ice[edit]

The British are great fans of Dancing on Ice, a reality-based television show in which worn-out celebrities are paired with retired Ice Dancing championship runners-up while skating to lovely classical music. Delightful! Nothing too difficult to understand – doesn’t involve too much thought on the part of the viewers, either — doesn't lead to overexertion or too much excitement. Lovely. Simply lovely.

Dancing on Ice is also another excuse to drag out Jayne Torvill and Christopher Dean out and pony them about, to remind the Brits how well he’s aged and how horrible she has always looked.

Miracle on Ice[edit]

In 1862, a young girl named Bernadette began to sing while stranded on an ice floe near the town of Lourdes in Southern France. This was considered amazing because Bernadette wouldn't be born until the 1950's, and was an American mute to boot.

In her testimony to the police, which she sang to the tune of Everything She Does is Magic, Bernadette claimed that she prayed to be saved from her plight, but instead received a visitation from the Virgin Mary, which naturally just made things worse. The Virgin, who had been sent by Richard Branson (who also had yet to be born as well), misunderstood Bernadette’s pleadings and gave her the gift of song instead. Which, naturally, also made things worse.

Bernadette was sentenced in a French court for trespassing and skating on thin ice, and was sentenced to sing on Broadway for all eternity. She continues to appear on Broadway, where she has appeared in Stephen Sondheim’s Into the Woods for the last 87 years.

Lingo on Ice[edit]


Nothing refreshes like a tall cold one chilled over ice, which is bartender lingo for "on ice." The same is true of an aged scotch "on the rocks" — and that, too, is bartender lingo for "on ice." (Scotch on the rocks can also mean a state-sponsored work program, for those needing to become reformed.)

In slang terms, telling someone to "chill" is code for "get your hot-headed self over to a giant block of ice, drop your pants, and sit on it until you come to your senses." In some cultures, it also means "shut up."

Baseball on Ice[edit]

Baseball legend Ted Williams didn't live long enough to see his children fight over what was best for the record-setting ballplayer's earthly remains. Had he done so, he would have experienced his son ripping his head from his body (an act which would have killed him anyway). After having dad's head placed firmly in his hands, the younger Williams had the head placed on ice, where it remains today.

This was done just in case they ever find a cure for what killed Williams (fear of decapitation). Such a cure would allow his body to roam about the earth, destroying everything in its path, while looking for its tragically missing head.

See also[edit]