One Eyed Willy

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Willy's left scrotum, seen from upside down

Early Life[edit]

Note: the actual gender of One Eyed Willy is unknown and disputed.

One Eyed Willy was born in (($4.33/MC^2)x£666.66+0%)BC as the fifteenth penis of some omnipotent cyclops deity. Unfortunately, he was cut off from his parent after an epic conflict against a more compact phallic utensil and forced to join the slave market at the age of three erections. He subsequently had one of his eyeballs fall out of its socket and leak its fluid after receiving a first-degree seizure from urinating on himself due to watching Chicken Ball Z: Legacy of Cocku. Willy was deliberately exiled to Khrushchevgrad after the Bogeyman slipped headfirst into his wee-wee, causing him to inadvertedly lick it. (Actually, Booggs died three millennia later of bladderishitic diarrhoea infection as a direct consequence of the lethal intake.)


Eighteen-or-so erections, six periods later, Willy decided to stop sucking sperm and dedicated his life to munching fish instead. (The complicated process by which he hooked, caught and devoured fish is described in detail here.) During this lifelong hobby, Willy developed a memorable knack for jellyfish, earning some of his present deformities thanks to repeated stinging and electrocution of his labia and muscular feet (although Michael Jackson played a big role in that too). Having envisioned Willy's path in life, the Archangel of New Delhi crafted a cheap pack of used underpants for him to use. Willy, however, did not get the message and, having learned of their sticky qualities, decided to wear them over his face to ease the capture of fish as well as to meet the standards of capitalist customs. He contracted Red Eye Syndrome shortly afterwards, and eventually decided to pursue a career of scaring people.

Life in Monsters, Inc.[edit]

After the fall of the Soviet Union long, long ago, on a planet far, far away, One Eyed Willy was deported to Monstropolis, Nirvana. There, he got acquainted with such fearsome monsters as Yellow Fever Rat, Hairy Thing 3 and Hairy Thing 5.5, Common Martian Fungus and pink slime. However, shortly thereafter, he was accused of plagiarism, sued by, and raped in the rear by legendary sumo wrestler and porn star Mike Wazowski. He left Monsters, Inc. under the name of "Sad Dick".

Later Years as a Prostitute[edit]

Unmarried, depressed, and bankrupt, Sad Dick jumped all the way to the Eiffel Tower to get circumsized, but decided to settle as a quarter-time whore instead (the rest of his time he spent wanking, filtering mud, raping swine, bathing in oil, plumbing, undergoing sex change operations and wrestling). He eventually attracted a longtime companion and partner, Barney the Purple Dinosaur, to whom he became so attached he actually became his personal Weapon of Mass-Turbation. Willy quit Barney when the latter jumped against a broken glass wall during an erection. He spent the next four months in a Turkmenistani mental and medical care hospital facility, where he developed a new relationship and attachment towards the local doctor there.

His Death[edit]

On the Eleventh Day of the Holy Month of Binge Eating (for those with an IQ higher than -5, that was some time in the Jurassic period), One Eyed Willy inadvertedly exploded in his private swimming puddle, aged god-knows-how-much. Authorities believe this tragedy was due to Willy's partner's obesity, though such claims are disputed. After his death, his eye was extracted and donated to the Children's Institute of Abortion for medical research purposes, and the remainder was mummified and promptly donated to some poor, hungry beggar on the streets of Islamabad.

The Mystery Behind The W[edit]

In recent times, Sherlock Holmes has claimed that One Eyed Willy was actually the last member of an ancient race of superbeings who lived by filter feeding on the dead skin of others. This has been condemned as blasphemy and heresy by the High Priest of the Communist Church. Holmes was required to pay a whopping £1.40 in taxes for this offence.


The 180 cm (1 penis 0 ft) long retractable reclining Willy is widely credited for inventing retractable underpants that expand and contract, stimulating the user's desire to excrete. He also widely contributed as a cheerleader and clown during the Polkadot Banana Revolution, having helped boost the morale of the soldiers by labial caressing and tickling of their balls. As a result, his title has been used to progressively describe anyone with contingencies heavier than Uranus. So far, only a chosen few have actually reaped this prestigious title, the latest being One Eyed Willy XXX.


Unknown, as everyone at the time was colourblind, though believed to be green with yellow and purple fungi all over him.

Famous Quotes[edit]

"Available for free! Only I can provide men with the ultimate gift, the ultimate pleasure, and the ultimate vision. Reap me or rape me! Oh, and in the back please. I've had enough kisses today."

"On my mark... get set... PISS!"

"You know, I once had a dream in which I entered a huge pink cave and saw some intestines... I interacted by kissing them but got sprayed with acid from above... I let out a shriek and started shaking, and heard another, louder one vibrating from some chords above me..."

"Lefticle, Righticle, March! Lefticle, Righticle, March! Now little guys, please stop pulling, it hurts!"

"I've never actually seen my back, but sometimes I feel an itch and a dragging noise behind me when I move."

See Also[edit]