Ontario
"Some fields are not made of dreams."
“There's no poontang like Ontario poontang.”
“Ontario is the best province and the cleanest by far.”
“Fucking squareheads!.”
“I'm the reason Toronto sucks”
Ontario, a suburb of Toronto, is a disputed territory. Recognized by most countries as being part of Canada, it is also claimed by the United States and the states of New York, Vermont, Michigan and New Jersey. In particular, New Jersey asserts that 52,000 of its residents relocated to Ontario during the U.S. presidency of George W. Bush, forming the majority of the province's population. Between 1937 and 1944 Ontario was also claimed by Germany, along with the rest of the world. Ontario is nestled uncomfortably between the North Pole to the north, Russia on the left, and Mordor just south. 68% of Ontario residents are "extremely" or "very" naughty, and diplomatic relations with Santa are poor despite the shared border between the two countries.
- Capital: Pollutionville
- Slogan: Yours to Recover
- Currency: The Beer
- Prime Minister: Pamela Anderson, best known for being a whore
- President: Avril Lavigne
- Premier: Norman Bates
- Founded: 1784, as a refugee camp for loyal subjects fleeing the treasonous United Spades of Amerika (Also see refugee)'
The one force unifying Canadians[edit]
Toronto is the capital of Ontario. According to Torontan mythology, this city is the "centre of the universe" and the seat of the Great God Quetzalcoatl, to whom they gladly give human sacrifices. Torontans believe that Quetzalcoatl showed them this city as their homeland, by giving them the sign of a beaver holding a maple leaf. Wait, wrong country. In return, Torontans must appease Quetzalcoatl by regularly feeding him human flesh. Since Torontan mythology explains why only Canadians are human, the Torontan people regularly make war on other parts of Canada to provide sacrifices to Quetzalcoatl. The one force unifying Canadians is their hatred of all things Torontan, even things that have nothing to do with human sacrifice. That is how human nature works: in Ontario, underaged boys a.k.a "The big Matts" give hand jobs to other manly men and think it`s perfectly normal.
Even so, it was the USA which tried to burn Toronto to the ground during the War of 1812. The only good that came of that effort was that Canada burned the White House in retaliation. Ontarians and Albertans united to pillage most of Washington DC.
In Ontario, the average commute from your house to across the street is 7 1/2 hours. This is because Ontarian policy is to build wagon trails instead of real roads.
In 2005 a cloaked figure created moose bacon. This food has been cherished as red gold now.
Ontario has been scientifically measured as the gayest province in Canada, with a 3.2 gay units, followed by Quebec, having 7.3 gay units (Liberace had 2.5, Elton John 1.1).
Perhaps because of this, the city is known for its burgeoning Post-hardcore/punk/disco-emo-prog/hard rock/harder rock scene.
Toronto has the world's longest street: Yonge Street; and the world's longest parking lot: the 401 Freeway. Torontonians pay $20,000,000,000 every year towards road improvements and therefore has greater gridlock than any other city in Mexico. Toronto's infrastructure was designed by the best mediocre students in City Planning from Naples, Italy and Calcutta, India.
Washington DC claims to be very friendly to Ontarians.
Strangely, Ottawa (which should be a city-state) is part of Ontario and must conform to provincial laws. Ottawans, however, aren't limited by Ontarian laws, because they can simply cross the national border using one of several bridges and party in Gatineau where pedophilia, sodomy and kitten huffing are endorsed. Partying in Gatineau is most typical of politicians and high school girls.
Also strangely, Toronto is subject to frequent rains of seagull eggs.On these days, it also becomes extremely hot and thus, you can fry eggs on the sidewalk. These days are much welcomed because they are the only days when the 3.5 x 1019 or so citizens(cocaroaches) of Toronto are not very hot, or bloated, because it normally rains steak dinners and is hot enough to cook them on the sidewalk.
Ottawa[edit]
Ottawa is where old, rich, and white Canadians go when they retire to party. The televised "Question Period" is really coded discussion about all the 50 year old Vietnamese hookers they did last night. Any women in Parliament are either lesbian, super-lesbian, or just wanna have some fun (ala Cindy Lauper.). Jack Layton, leader of the NDP (the Not Democratic Party of Canada, a ultra-left wing party made up of Russian veterans of the War Against Satan) has said himself he likes the "Big Gas".
Shelter[edit]
As many people know, Ontario is hit by a snowstorm every day. On its lucky days, Ontario receives 25cm of snow. Because of this, Ontarians live in igloos, some as old as 2500 years (constructed by Turkish settlers during the invasion of the Ottoman Empire).
People[edit]
Statistics from 2008 Census (all of Ontario)
32% Canadian
30% beaver
19% Romanian
9% hobbit
3% Jedi
2% Ewok
Toronto statistics
45% Blacks
45% Indians
10% UN Peace-keepers
Brampton
99.8% Indian
0.01% Pakistani
0.01% Police
Markham
169% Chinese
10% Korean
12% Other people who love Pacific Mall
Oakville
100% Rich, spoiled white kids
0.00001% Other
Kitchener-Waterloo
80% Nazi Germans
10% Disgruntled American Draft Dodgers
10% Piss everywhere and anywhere University students (Mostly comprised in Waterloo which happens to make up 99% of their population)
0.00001% Laid off Research in Motion workers.
Sudbury
128% White dudes. Usually miners.
3-4 blacks depending how many have been killed by gangs today.
Burlington
99.99% dumb white guys
169% Sluus with lack of self respect
1or2 Asians depending on how many nike shoes they're delivering that day
100% Chammaa's Earlobes
1 black guy who doesnt hotwire cars and steal shit (J.Lyons)
People who've driven through Ontario[edit]
- Carrey, Jim The Greatest Actor Who Ever Fucking Lived! Screw you De Niro, Robert!
- Cent, Fifty Former premier Anti-Drug Department of Canada
- Davis, William former Prime Minister and known best for a radio jingle "Help keep the promise". While no one knew what it meant, everyone agreed it was a historic jingle.
- Domi, Tie retired professional ice bowling player and former incumbent first lady.
- Gretzky, Wayne Men's Ice Hockey Champion
- Hussein, Saddam who was the supreme dictator of ontario in the 60's and implemented OHIP during his term.
- Palin, Sarah, on the way to Washington D.C. to ask for $5,000,000,000 earmarked for Wasilla, Alaska. She claims this is "foreign policy experience."
- Planet, Captain who came to Ontario to destroy the fossil fuel power generators in Toronto, but was sadly killed when he went for a quiet evening swim in Lake Ontario.
- Santa, Black
- Secord, Laura Canada's version of Paul Revere and the Raiders
- Terrance and Phillip
- Windsor, Queen Elizabeth II apparently to give a plate to a horse. Ah, to be born into nobility with a penchant for bestiality.
Places to visit in Ontario[edit]
- Alliston boy hood home of famous back-up field hockey groundskeeper Manny Legace
- Ancaster Whitest place on earth!
- Barrie pronounced 'berry'. As in baseball has been Barrie, Home of Canada's biggest grow op ever in the old Molson Brewery.
- Brampton The city for Indians and Blacks or Indians who think they are Black.
- Brantford the crime capital of Ontario
- Burlington The city of condos filled with Rich Bitchy Teens
- Goderich pot capitol of Ontario. 'Prettiest town in Canada' according to some old bag
- Hamilton the pollution capital of Canada.
- Kabouter's Indian: right by Moose Factory.
- Kenora: Home to the Copulation of the Muskellunge Festival held each July 28, the city's one day of summer each year.
- Kingston according to Kim Mitchell, best road skank in the country.
- London (Ontario) Speed City!
- Lucan Home of Dave's Farm. Canada's biggest theme park owned by convicted pedophile David Rock. The parks mascot is strung out meth addict Rick Mast, who also happens to be a dadbeat dad.
- Mitchell birth place of the Arch Duke of Rock 'n Roll Sir Kim Mitchell
- Niagara Falls Large casino and annoying tourist trap. Also rumoured to have a waterfall.
- Oakville Rich Bastards Spolied Kids/Teens City!
- Orillia the teenage pregnancy capital of Canada, but closely rivaled by Collingwood & Lindsay.
- Oshawa the zit on Ontario's Ass, they tried to get rid of it, by popping it and using Clearasil, but for some reason, IT'S STILL FUCKING THERE!
- Ottawa like Washington without the authority.
- Peterborough Mud and old people.
- Sarnia the place across from Narnia
- Sudbury think Moria with more Orcs
- Thunder Bay Most lightning ever!
- Timmins known for it's Jaguar testing facility and rumored to be the reason why Jags suck donkey shlong now.
- Toronto formerly known as Fort York. I swear those faggy Brits named everything York back in the day: "Where's the originality Elizabethan England?" Makes you wonder how the Spanish lost out to those bland bastards. Oh yeah, Toronto is... stay out of it if you want to live.
- Tweed where Elvis retired to after he left the building.
- Welland featured on David Letterman's Top 10 List as highest drug use per capita in North America 95% and has the busiest beer store in Canada.
- Windsor : that awesome place across form Dee-troit, where people from Michigan go to get wasted when they turn 19.
- Woodstock known for a famous concert during the 'summer of unprotected sex' 1969.
- Vaughan: A city for old Italians with kids that dress like their gangster & slut idols.
Kim Mitchell tore the place up with his panty-peeling rendition of 'Mary had a little lamb'.
