Oompa Loompa Syndrome

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Oompa Loompa Symdrome, or OLS, is a disease caused by a pathogen only found in Loompa Land.

Origins[edit]

The OLS outbreak started when a group of young professional croquet players came back from their vacation in the country of Loompa Land. After about a week of their return, the young athletes started to show unusuall symptoms never seen before such as: skin turning into a bright orange color, hair turning green, shortage in height, having an unusual craving for chocolate, and singing songs about naughty children with the words Oompa Loompa after every verse aftersome child has done something bad such as: falling into a chocolate river, chewing bubble gum that turns you into a blueberry, being determined as a "bad nut" from nut shelling squirrels, and being shrunken down to size by sending yourself to a television set as a T.V. signal. Shortly after the outbreak started, doctors were able to determine that the virus that causes the disease comes from the inhabbitants of Loompa Land, the Oompa-Loompas. How it got to the young athletes remained a mystery until one of them finally admitted to raping one of the oompa loompa children, and then sharing the same needle they used to shoot themselves up with heroin with everyone in the group that same night. This proved that the OLS virus can only be transmitted sexually or by being in contact with infected blood.

A second strain of Oompa Loompa Syndrome has recently been discovered by doctors in Great Britain. It has been found primarily in Essex girls.

Their symptoms were in the form of orange faces caused by excessive amounts of fake tan. However, it's easily cured using warm water and a scrunched up pan scourer.

Cures[edit]

OLS remained a problem in the years following the outbreak until a young american bum living off welfare accidentally discovered a cure. The bum himself got the disease after raping a stray kitten he found on the road. But started to see the symptoms go away after eating nothing but Wal-mart brand foods for a week. The details at the time were unknown, but Wal-mart experienced an increase in sales of store brand food and were forced to do something that they would never dream of doing, and that was to raise their prices. It wasn't only until a month later that Dr. House from the hit T.V. show found the reason to the cure. He found that the perservatives found in all Wal-mart brand foods including: sodium benzoate, ascorbic acid, high fructose corn syrup, sodium citrate, toilet water(for coloring), and dead sperm cells(for flavoring) causes a natural chemical reaction in the body. This chemical reaction causes all infected cells to simply just die off killing the viruses with them. And since Wal-Mart food is cheap, this for some reaso kills the virus. The exact reasons are still unknown, and Dr. House stopped doing research ater he realized that he isn't a real doctor.

Alternative Cures[edit]

So far, the main way to cure the virus is by eating Wal-Mart brand food. Although some German scientists have developed a pill that is apporximately twelve inches in diameter, and is about ten inches long. Since the pill is obviously to big to be taken orally, it must be taken anally, or inother words, having shoved up our ass. Majority of the public prefers the Wal-Mart method of curing, although the vaccine method is widely used by the homosexual community.