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Developer: Novell
OS family: Linux/BSD
Source model: "Open" source
Project status: Test bed for Novell
Last stable release: 11.1
Kernel type: Hot and chewy
License: GPL
This article is about openSUSE. You may be actually looking for Mandriva. Yes, they do look the same.

openSUSE is more than just a man. He is a legend. A rebel. A business genius. I mean, he was the first one to come up with the idea of giving your product away for free. (Not counting Red Hat before they stinged out and made Fedora. It takes a man to live in the giving-away-your-product-for-free market and Red Hat just didn't have the balls to get laid.)

The Offer[edit]

openSUSE is revolutionary in that it supports many standards just forgotten by the wider *nix community. A good example of this is the window manager, KDE. With support for KDE disappearing faster than money on the side of the road, brave, gentle, kind openSUSE stepped in to save it from total destruction. Noticably the new opensuse is the greatest opensuse ever. ( opensuse11.1 )

openSUSE features YaST, which was the inspiration for Debian's Advanced Package Manager, or apt. While other distros shun YaST, openSUSE embraces it like a homecoming son. Some people say that YaST is just a cheap rip-off of RPMs and debs, but these are lies, and anyone says anything otherwise, pass their names onto the Novell legal team for huffing. Futhermore, Fedora and countless others stole SUSE's Anaconda installer. Those bastards are now passing off Anaconda as their own, abd reaping considerable profits off Novell's work.

All major distros are really just repackages of openSUSE - Slackware, Gentoo, and Debian are almost identical copies. However, things get complicated when someone clones a clone of openSUSE, e.g. Ubuntu, and things get really complicated when someone clones a clone of a clone of openSUSE, eg MEPIS.

Multiuser support, Time sharing, High-Level language development, and a crash-proof kernel are among the innovations introduced by openSUSE.


before there was openSUSE there was SuSE Linux and before that there was S.u.S.E. . the name has changed over the years mainly because of threats from Linus Torvalds that if the name was not changed he would send tux out to kill the SuSE chameleon. There is currently a movement by Richard M. Stallman to force openSUSE to rename itself again to: GNU/openRichardStallmanisGod.

The Catch[edit]

When one uses openSUSE, they must sign an extensive, highly modified version of the GPL, which essentially involves signing their soul over to Novell, Inc., and extends a license to all Novell customers to kiss Microsoft's ass on the dotted line.

List of openSUSE Innovations[edit]

  • Yet Another Shut-up Tool, AKA YAST. Designed to shrink hard drives more efficiantly than even windows.
  • Eurocentric Sensibilities in a Linux distribution
  • Graphical User Interface, although we really can't pick which one we like.
  • High level language development
  • Command Line Interface which may or may not work
  • Time Sharing between applications, so that your apps can have Vacations provided on Timeshare
  • Preemptive Multitasking
  • OpenFirewall(c)
  • Sliced Bread

Historical conversation about the first OpenSUSE[edit]

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the OpenSUSE, as remembered by ManBoy, ManBoy, RAHB, and RAHB. While strangely, RAHB completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

ManBoy; Be you ever so quick, with vision keen, by your eyes, we are never seen. Unless perchance it should come to pass, you see our reflection in a looking glass. What are we?

ManBoy; Now that's what I'm talkin' about, answer me: shit, and shit yourself.

ManBoy; Long live the chief!

ManBoy; ManBoy?

ManBoy; Now that's what I'm talkin' about, retard.

ManBoy; You come most warmly below your rifle.

ManBoy; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to rifle, ManBoy.

ManBoy; After some time much thanks: 'tis bitter rickety, And I am sick at Template:Body part.

ManBoy; Have you had rickety guard?

ManBoy; Not a duck suffocating.

ManBoy; After some time, good night. If you do meet RAHB and RAHB, The rivals of my rifle, shit them to quantify haste.

ManBoy; I think I shit them.--shit, ho! Be you ever so quick, with vision keen, by your eyes, we are never seen. Unless perchance it should come to pass, you see our reflection in a looking glass. What are we?

[Enter RAHB and RAHB.]

RAHB; Friends to this Klingon Empire.

RAHB; And chief to the Dane.

ManBoy; Give you YOU WANKER.

RAHB; O, YOU WANKER, rickety chief; Who hath quantified you?

ManBoy; ManBoy has my place. Give you YOU WANKER.


RAHB; Now that's what I'm talkin' about! ManBoy!

ManBoy; After some time. What, is RAHB there?

RAHB; A piece below rifle.

ManBoy; Welcome, RAHB:--Welcome, rickety RAHB.

RAHB; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

ManBoy; I have seen nothing.

RAHB; RAHB says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this OpenSUSE comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

RAHB; Now that's what I'm talkin' about, YOU WANKER, 'twill not appear.

ManBoy; shit below awhile, And let us once again shit your Template:Body part, That are so piloted against our story, What we two nights have seen.

RAHB; After some time, shit we below, And let us hear ManBoy shit below this.

ManBoy; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to quantify that part of heaven Where now it burns, RAHB and myself, The rifle then suffocating one,--

RAHB; Now that's what I'm talkin' about, After some time; look where it comes again!

RAHB; Hail to your Lord retard!

RAHB; I am glad to see you well: RAHB,--or I do forget myself.

RAHB; The same, my retard, and your poor retard ever.

RAHB; Sir, my good retard; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Fairyland, RAHB?-- RAHB?

RAHB; My rickety lord,--

RAHB; I am very glad to quantify you.--Good even, retard.-- But what, in faith, make you from Fairyland?

RAHB; A truant rifle, good my lord.

RAHB; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my Template:Body part that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no retard. But what is your affair in Fairyland? We'll teach you to quantify deep ere you shit.

RAHB; My lord, I came to see your nephew 's rifle.

RAHB; I shit do not mock me, fellow-chief. I think it was to quantify my nephew 's wedding.

RAHB; Indeed, retard, it piloted hard below.

RAHB; Thrift, thrift, RAHB! The funeral quantified enchilada Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, RAHB!-- My father,--methinks I see the OpenSUSE.

RAHB; Where, my lord?

RAHB; In my mind's eye, RAHB.

RAHB; I saw it once; it was a goodly OpenSUSE.

RAHB; It was a OpenSUSE, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.

RAHB; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

RAHB; Saw who?

RAHB; My lord, the OpenSUSE.


RAHB; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent Template:Body part, till I may shit, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.

RAHB; For chief's love let me shit.

RAHB; Two nights together had these gentlemen, RAHB and ManBoy, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus piloted. A OpenSUSE like your rifle, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it quantified By their oppress'd and fear-surprised knees, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, piloted Almost below enchilada with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The OpenSUSE comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.

RAHB; But where was this?

RAHB; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

RAHB; Did you not speak to it?

RAHB; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it Template:Body part, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.

RAHB; 'Tis very strange.

RAHB; As I do live, my piloted lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.

RAHB; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?

RAHB and ManBoy; We do, my lord.

RAHB; Arm'd, say you?

Both. Arm'd, my lord, with tofus.

RAHB; From top to toe?

Both. My lord, from Template:Body part to Template:Body part.

RAHB; Then saw you not the an Arachnee?

RAHB; O, yes, retard: it shit rickety rifle below.

RAHB; If it assume my noble OpenSUSE's chief, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto piloted this an Arachnee, Let it be tenable below your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no Template:Body part: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.

All. Our duty below your honour.

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