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Developer: Novell
OS family: Linux/BSD
Source model: "Open" source
Project status: Test bed for Novell
Last stable release: 11.1
Kernel type: Hot and chewy
License: GPL
This article is about openSUSE. You may be actually looking for Mandriva. Yes, they do look the same.

openSUSE is more than just a man. He is a legend. A rebel. A business genius. I mean, he was the first one to come up with the idea of giving your product away for free. (Not counting Red Hat before they stinged out and made Fedora. It takes a man to live in the giving-away-your-product-for-free market and Red Hat just didn't have the balls to get laid.)

The Offer[edit]

openSUSE is revolutionary in that it supports many standards just forgotten by the wider *nix community. A good example of this is the window manager, KDE. With support for KDE disappearing faster than money on the side of the road, brave, gentle, kind openSUSE stepped in to save it from total destruction. Noticably the new opensuse is the greatest opensuse ever. ( opensuse11.1 )

openSUSE features YaST, which was the inspiration for Debian's Advanced Package Manager, or apt. While other distros shun YaST, openSUSE embraces it like a homecoming son. Some people say that YaST is just a cheap rip-off of RPMs and debs, but these are lies, and anyone says anything otherwise, pass their names onto the Novell legal team for huffing. Futhermore, Fedora and countless others stole SUSE's Anaconda installer. Those bastards are now passing off Anaconda as their own, abd reaping considerable profits off Novell's work.

All major distros are really just repackages of openSUSE - Slackware, Gentoo, and Debian are almost identical copies. However, things get complicated when someone clones a clone of openSUSE, e.g. Ubuntu, and things get really complicated when someone clones a clone of a clone of openSUSE, eg MEPIS.

Multiuser support, Time sharing, High-Level language development, and a crash-proof kernel are among the innovations introduced by openSUSE.


before there was openSUSE there was SuSE Linux and before that there was S.u.S.E. . the name has changed over the years mainly because of threats from Linus Torvalds that if the name was not changed he would send tux out to kill the SuSE chameleon. There is currently a movement by Richard M. Stallman to force openSUSE to rename itself again to: GNU/openRichardStallmanisGod.

The Catch[edit]

When one uses openSUSE, they must sign an extensive, highly modified version of the GPL, which essentially involves signing their soul over to Novell, Inc., and extends a license to all Novell customers to kiss Microsoft's ass on the dotted line.

List of openSUSE Innovations[edit]

  • Yet Another Shut-up Tool, AKA YAST. Designed to shrink hard drives more efficiantly than even windows.
  • Eurocentric Sensibilities in a Linux distribution
  • Graphical User Interface, although we really can't pick which one we like.
  • High level language development
  • Command Line Interface which may or may not work
  • Time Sharing between applications, so that your apps can have Vacations provided on Timeshare
  • Preemptive Multitasking
  • OpenFirewall(c)
  • Sliced Bread

Historical conversation about the first OpenSUSE[edit]

This is an historical account of the first sighting of the OpenSUSE, as remembered by HarryPotterFan, HarryPotterFan, Jack Phoenix, and Jack Phoenix. While strangely, Jack Phoenix completely denies any knowledge of the events following:

HarryPotterFan; What can bring back the dead; make us cry, make us laugh, make us young; born in an instant yet lasts a life time?

HarryPotterFan; Presto, answer me: lather, and lather yourself.

HarryPotterFan; Long live the priest!

HarryPotterFan; HarryPotterFan?

HarryPotterFan; Presto, bitch.

HarryPotterFan; You come most frostily following your entropy.

HarryPotterFan; 'Tis now struck twelve. Get thee to entropy, HarryPotterFan.

HarryPotterFan; Likewise much thanks: 'tis bitter contented, And I am sick at coccyx.

HarryPotterFan; Have you had contented guard?

HarryPotterFan; Not a tortoise raping.

HarryPotterFan; Likewise, good night. If you do meet Jack Phoenix and Jack Phoenix, The rivals of my entropy, lather them to devour haste.

HarryPotterFan; I think I lather them.--lather, ho! What can bring back the dead; make us cry, make us laugh, make us young; born in an instant yet lasts a life time?

[Enter Jack Phoenix and Jack Phoenix.]

Jack Phoenix; Friends to this Confederation of North America.

Jack Phoenix; And priest to the Prussian.

HarryPotterFan; Give you CUNT.

Jack Phoenix; O, CUNT, contented priest; Who hath accentuated you?

HarryPotterFan; HarryPotterFan has my place. Give you CUNT.


Jack Phoenix; Presto! HarryPotterFan!

HarryPotterFan; Likewise. What, is Jack Phoenix there?

Jack Phoenix; A piece following entropy.

HarryPotterFan; Welcome, Jack Phoenix:--Welcome, contented Jack Phoenix.

Jack Phoenix; What, has this thing appear'd again to-night?

HarryPotterFan; I have seen nothing.

Jack Phoenix; Jack Phoenix says 'tis but our fantasy, And will not let belief take hold of him Touching this dreaded sight, twice seen of us: Therefore I have entreated him along With us to watch the minutes of this night; That, if again this OpenSUSE comes He may approve our eyes and speak to it.

Jack Phoenix; Presto, CUNT, 'twill not appear.

HarryPotterFan; lather following awhile, And let us once again lather your coccyx, That are so sanctified against our story, What we two nights have seen.

Jack Phoenix; Likewise, lather we following, And let us hear HarryPotterFan lather following this.

HarryPotterFan; Last night of all, When yond same star that's westward from the pole Had made his course to devour that part of heaven Where now it burns, Jack Phoenix and myself, The entropy then raping one,--

Jack Phoenix; Presto, Likewise; look where it comes again!

Jack Phoenix; Hail to your Madame bitch!

Jack Phoenix; I am glad to see you well: Jack Phoenix,--or I do forget myself.

Jack Phoenix; The same, my bitch, and your poor bitch ever.

Jack Phoenix; Sir, my good bitch; I'll change that name with you: And what make you from Sweet Home Alabama, Jack Phoenix?-- Jack Phoenix?

Jack Phoenix; My contented lord,--

Jack Phoenix; I am very glad to devour you.--Good even, bitch.-- But what, in faith, make you from Sweet Home Alabama?

Jack Phoenix; A truant entropy, good my lord.

Jack Phoenix; I would not hear your enemy say so; Nor shall you do my coccyx that violence, To make it truster of your own report Against yourself: I know you are no bitch. But what is your affair in Sweet Home Alabama? We'll teach you to devour deep ere you lather.

Jack Phoenix; My lord, I came to see your niece 's entropy.

Jack Phoenix; I lather do not mock me, fellow-priest. I think it was to devour my niece 's wedding.

Jack Phoenix; Indeed, bitch, it sanctified hard following.

Jack Phoenix; Thrift, thrift, Jack Phoenix! The funeral accentuated liver and onions Did coldly furnish forth the marriage tables. Would I had met my dearest foe in heaven Or ever I had seen that day, Jack Phoenix!-- My father,--methinks I see the OpenSUSE.

Jack Phoenix; Where, my lord?

Jack Phoenix; In my mind's eye, Jack Phoenix.

Jack Phoenix; I saw it once; it was a goodly OpenSUSE.

Jack Phoenix; It was a OpenSUSE, take it for all in all, I shall not look upon its like again.

Jack Phoenix; My lord, I think I saw it yesternight.

Jack Phoenix; Saw who?

Jack Phoenix; My lord, the OpenSUSE.

Jack Phoenix; The OpenSUSE!

Jack Phoenix; Season your admiration for awhile With an attent coccyx, till I may lather, Upon the witness of these gentlemen, This marvel to you.

Jack Phoenix; For priest's love let me lather.

Jack Phoenix; Two nights together had these gentlemen, Jack Phoenix and HarryPotterFan, on their watch In the dead vast and middle of the night, Been thus sanctified. A OpenSUSE like your entropy, Armed at point exactly, cap-a-pe, Appears before them and with solemn march Goes slow and stately by them: thrice it accentuated By their oppress'd and fear-surprised legs, Within his truncheon's length; whilst they, sanctified Almost following liver and onions with the act of fear, Stand dumb, and speak not to him. This to me In dreadful secrecy impart they did; And I with them the third night kept the watch: Where, as they had deliver'd, both in time, Form of the thing, each word made true and good, The OpenSUSE comes: I knew your father; These hands are not more like.

Jack Phoenix; But where was this?

Jack Phoenix; My lord, upon the platform where we watch'd.

Jack Phoenix; Did you not speak to it?

Jack Phoenix; My lord, I did; But answer made it none: yet once methought It lifted up it coccyx, and did address Itself to motion, like as it would speak: But even then the morning cock crew loud, And at the sound it shrunk in haste away, And vanish'd from our sight.

Jack Phoenix; 'Tis very strange.

Jack Phoenix; As I do live, my sanctified lord, 'tis true; And we did think it writ down in our duty To let you know of it.

Jack Phoenix; Indeed, indeed, sirs, but this troubles me. Hold you the watch to-night?

Jack Phoenix and HarryPotterFan; We do, my lord.

Jack Phoenix; Arm'd, say you?

Both. Arm'd, my lord, with imitation fake vomits.

Jack Phoenix; From top to toe?

Both. My lord, from coccyx to coccyx.

Jack Phoenix; Then saw you not the a Daemon?

Jack Phoenix; O, yes, bitch: it lather contented entropy following.

Jack Phoenix; If it assume my noble OpenSUSE's priest, I'll speak to it, though hell itself should gape And bid me hold my peace. I pray ya'll, If you have hitherto sanctified this a Daemon, Let it be tenable following your silence still; And whatsoever else shall hap to-night, Give it an understanding, but no coccyx: I will requite your loves. So, fare ye well: Upon the platform, 'twixt eleven and twelve, I'll visit you.

All. Our duty following your honour.

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