Opium
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“Opium makes me horny.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Opium
“Opium is the religion of the masses.”
~ Karl Marx on Opium
“Opium is the television of the elite.”
~ Thomas de Quincy on Opium
“Sweet and sour Jesus, that is good.”
~ Stephen Colbert on Opium in his coffee
Opium is an element discovered by Lord Henry Op in 1789 when he, in a crack-induced fit of delirium, started eating poppy flowers. It was discovered that poppy seeds contained oodles and oodles of a fascinating new substance, which made you think deliciously gooey thoughts. The substance was promptly named "opium" after its creator. It is not on the periodic table, becase scientists insist it's all thetans or something.
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[edit] Uses of opium
(EVERYTHING) Back in the day, opium was administered to unruly children to make them shut up. This was an excellent solution for all parties involved. Everything was ruined, of course, by the do-goody hippie movement, who had gotten the strange idea that people were "special", and proceeded to rape all the opium dealers in the ass until they had all they could smoke, in other words ALL of it.
Nowadays, opium is found in copius amounts in Colgate toothpaste and Eskimo Pies. A spokesperson from Colgate wishes to point out that the fact that Colgate toothpaste is 95% pure opium has nothing do to with their sales figures, and certainly nothing to do with the Colgate Stoner Syndrome. He then asked me to leave before he set his horde of trained chattering leprechauns on me.
Opium produces a euphoria almost as much as Kitten Huffing the orange ones. They fuck you up REAL good.
Recent studies have shown opium is a cancer curing organism capable of comprehending complex calculus and able to travel back in time but not forward(much like yogurt). Apart from time traveling and cancer curing, opium is also very sensitive to temperature. Knowing opium can travel back in time, we can now understand why there were such vast quantities of opium in China. When opium was at its prime, in China, the temperature was perfect for the development of juvenile opium. Somehow the Chinese became very attached to opium and brought it everywhere they went.
[edit] Opium and war
Britain and Ireland once tag-teamed China in order to win all of their opium. After the decisive Battle of Yavin, British and Irish peasants rejoiced and built Stonehenge before forming the United Kingdom. However, with so much Opium in Britain, they soon grew tired of it and kitten huffing became popular once again. Since no-one liked Opium anymore they needed a place to put it all. They tried burying it, and they tried selling it off to their colonies in Afica. However, the Aficans were too busy building huts to fight off the Zombie Monkeys. Thus they decided to burn it all in a big pile in the middle of London. By the end of the day, everyone in the city was stoned. Then, the Irish ran out of potatoes.
[edit] Current Position
Opium has been blamed for many things in recent years, such as Terrorism, violence, and Miley Cyrus. However, it is not Opium's fault these things happen. Opium is simply abused by cruel bastards who claim to be its friends. Many of the worlds governments have decided to give the addicts safe rooms where they can inject or smoke whatever they want, have full medical assistance, and have priority over actual sick people. Scientists plan to make addicts lives simpler by investing millions of dollars into research for one-shot Opium joints, where it takes only one puff to get high/screwed for the rest of your life.
[edit] Opium and American Politics
Opium has played a major part in American politics since the election of president Rutherford B. Hayes. In order to end the political unrest that occurred after the civil war, Hayes mailed out envelopes filled with opium to every United States citizen. Everyone was happy after that. Since then, numerous presidents have used Opium to gain popularity. This is the only explanation possible for the election of president George W. Bush, as Al Gore's plan to cease global warming by shoving shoving legos up his nose was brilliant.
[edit] Opium and PSP
The new (as of 2005) handheld Playstation Portable (PSP) uses Opium Brain-Rendering Technology. In reality, it is nothing but a plastic case filled with opium dust. When the user mashes the buttons, the fine dust is sprayed into the nostrils of the unwitting victim, who then hallucinates incredible 3D graphics and entertaining games. This has lead to PSP sales being incredibly high in Asia.
[edit] Known Addicts
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