Orange County
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Orange County is the first official project of the Phoenix Group (a top secret group of scientists funded by the president.) Its mission: to create actual places based on the cities, towns and counties of television shows.
Built on a closed set in the hills of Anaheim, Orange County has the distinction of being the first planned community based on the super perfect ideals of the Third Republican Army. Namely the pursuit of larger and larger SUVs and increasing the effectiveness of Bed Bath & Beyond coupon campaigns.
Orange County implements the basic strategy of the Third Republican Army in the following ways.
- Make everything affordable. Think as if you were an illegal alien earning less than minimum wage and price everything affordably. Currently minimum wage equates to $50,000,000 per year, so it's okay if waves of yuppie investors drive all the housing prices into the million dollar range.
- Make everything original. There's no room for boring conformity in a caffeine fuelled nonstop raver world driven by pursuit of the big bucks. If you build a new shopping centre, for god's sake don't put another Old Navy in there, this is the Third Republican Army we are talking about here, where there IS no uniform. Remember, capitalism is built on creativity. Encourage your employees to speak up!
- Fill the people with a joy for life and they will be able to afford SUVs to enjoy life in. Try to make everything beautiful. Billboards are banned. There's no time to read anyway as you zoom past all those rolling hills and tree lined avenues. Try to greet everyone you see with a smile and become involved in other people's lives. They will appreciate you for it.
Orange County has proven to be a tremendous success so far. Already it has produced its own spin off cities, Disneytown and Niketown. Orange County is so perfect though that it is often the target of false criticism. Usually it is from some other county, one NOT based on a hit TV show (snicker, snicker).
Other counties try to emulate the planned wholesome goodness of Orange County, such as Red County, Purple County and Grey County, but they all suck at it.
However, they succeeded to redline the county for Black people (if any are present), Brown people (Mexicans) and yellow people (Asians), while preserving its' white majority at the same time.
In summation, Orange County is an inexpensive, creative and joyous place to live. More places need to be built on the premise of television shows. Also, Los Angeles totally wishes it could be Orange County.
[edit] Voting Power
In 1972, during a brief period of Martial Law, President Richard Nixon (who was from Orange County) signed edict "O" and "C" into law. These edicts gave special voting powers to all residents of Orange County. These special voting powers were granted in an effort to combat the spread of liberalism.
- Law "O" (known as the 50K rule) restricts voting rights to persons with an annual income of $50,000 per year or greater. This was done to lessen the burden on domestic workers (gardeners, maids, etc.) who might otherwise feel pressured to vote.
- Law "C" (known as the multiplier rule) multiplies the ballot count of an eligible voter (see the 50K rule) by the number shown in box 2 (federal income tax withheld) of that voter’s IRS W2 form. This was done to allow for equalization of taxation and representation.
Note: In an effort to limit misuse of these special voting powers, both laws only apply to state and national elections, not city or county elections.
In recent developments, County residents have also proposed a new name for Orange County. As there are no surviving Oranges to be found in Orange County anymore, nor orchards to grow them in, the residents have proposed a new, more genuine name for the territory. 'House County', is the leading contender.
'House County', the proposed new name, has been met with anger from local city councils, however, who say the new name is much too honest, much too telling. Tourism might suffer, they feel, by renaming a county to what it actually looks like. Some residents feel this makes no sense, however, since many of the local city councils profited enormously from tearing down countless orchards to erect cheap housing. The debate rages on.
[edit] The cities, communities and suburban slums
Orange County has about 30, 32, 35 or 38 (who's counting) incorporated cities and unincorporated towns. Sorry if it's sorta long, but hilarious and so much is true. Not counted on here is Corona, that's in the Inland Empire but a fart's throw away to the Orange County line.
[edit] Anaheim
The attention whore, home to Disneyland, the "happiest place on earth", in part of Walt Disney's megalomania to enslave the world. How he did it? He purchased an orange grove by the then newly paved US 101 (I-5 or "the Orange crush") freeway and got on building the Magic kingdom. Home of the Los Angeles Angels baseball team despite the city's opposition of using the "L.A. name" on their turf, and the Anaheim Ducks hockey team, no longer the "Mighty" team after Disney sold them. Still, unable to bring back Pro football and can't get a NBA basketball team, since Orange County doesn't have that demographic. Other sections of Anaheim are the "Hills", the "West side" and "Downtown".
[edit] Santa Ana
Orange County's largest, oldest and most crowded city of all sorts, it has an actual downtown of office buildings. Yes, people work in the OC but commute day in and day out from twice or thrice the distance from L.A. Also Santa Ana is about 90% Hispanic, even declared itself a sanctuary city for the undocumented day laborers. Santa Ana is the hometown of actress and former Miss Orange County Michelle Pfieffer.
[edit] Costa Mesa
Home to a huge-ass shopping mall (they call it "South Coast Plaza"), the Virgin megastore and a freeway torn down a former thriving community. Orange Coast College is filled with nerds, jocks, goths and mad geniuses, plus the legacy of Orange County's rural past in a county fair every Sep. The traditionally farmer, rancher and fisher locals of Costa Mesa are hardly around, they are taken over by the "nouveau riche" who not only never work, but increased the home values 100 times over...oh, fuck that.
[edit] Buena Park
Knott's Berry farm theme park, where high school dropouts find work dressed as Snoopy or Charlie Brown (a two-time loser) and has better rides plus lower ticket admission rates than Disneyland. Drive down Beach (prounounced as "Bitch") Boulevard, check out Ripley's Believe it or Not, No Shit really? wax museum (one flick of a match away...) and the Medieval Times "dine in-live entertainment-tune out" pizza place, but they should add GWAR and will be family-oriented alright. Koreans and Filipinos bought everything in town, no one really speaks English there anymore.
[edit] Fullerton
A.k.a Fullofshiton. Home to Cal State. Univ. Fullerton campus, has a kick-ass college baseball team, but sucks in other sports. Fullerton is the home town of rock star goddess Gwen Stefani and the city oughta turn her childhood home into a fan shrine. Fullerton Municipal Airport is surrounded by radio station towers: KFI had theirs taken down twice by crashed Cessna 150s. To the north are Brea (or "Shit") and La Habra (The Octo-Mom lives there, but please leave her alone.)
[edit] Placentia
Currently under invasion of "Mongol" hordes of Chinamen, the Mexican army made up of 100,000 people who want to be gardeners and fast food workers and Persians with togas (the women in veils) just like the movie "300". Not to be confused with a woman's bunch of crap in her uterus to feed the "unborn". Placenita, in Spanish is translated as "the place that sucks".
[edit] Whittier
Actually in L.A. county, it sits close enough to be like the "O.C.", the nickname is the "Earthquaking city". Great place to buy homes in a city crossed by hundreds of blind thrust fault lines. Home prices are rocking and rolling. Same goes to La Mirada or "Ra Miulanda", where the Taiwanese are buying homes. Is capitalism great? Too bad that used to be OUR jobs, outsourcing is the way to go. La Mirada Toys-R-us is a lead contaminated site now.
[edit] City of Orange
"Orange" for short, but they want to be "the city". A multi-story mall by the name is abandoned, sits by the five-road interchange: a traffic hell you must beware of. Tustin Avenue is a suburban strip mall of all sorts: note the Arabic and Iranian script in the Mall of Orange (avoid there at all costs). The fancy, smancy, preppie, yuppie Downtown plaza is where not to be seen, believe me. Go over to the last Norm's restaurant for cheap eats (good O.J. named for their biggest customer O.J. Simpson), too bad all the nice orange groves were torn down.
[edit] Villa Park, El Modena, Orange Park Acres and Foothill
4 or 5 little "hoods" call themselves cities (LoL). Villa Park is a police state, all gated and protected from the ruffians in El Modena, home to a gang-filled high school "integrated" by bringing in busloads of preppies to attend there. Orange Park Acres used to have horse ranches, unspoiled scenic hill views and a nice creek to hike or fish in (not anymore). The so-called Foothill subdivision is from a rap music video: "How we be Livin' fo".
[edit] Cypress, La Palma, Los Alamitos, and Artesia
Same "hood" logic of a square-mile pedestrain community applies. Cypress (er, "Cyprus") is named for all those Greeks, Turks, Armenians, Italians and Bosnians who made this into a part of the Balkans. La Palma and Los Alamitos are former "Dairyland" communities and closed-down aerospace factories, just a bunch of Spanish colonial homes to house Spanish-speaking inhabitants, part of the "Reconquista Mexicana" in process. Artesia is "Little India" where you see Hindus, Pakis and Bengalis all over the fucking place, but no 7-11s and Dunkin' Donuts found.
[edit] Hawaiian Gardens
Hawaiian Gardens (also known as the "big H.G.") was named for the Orientals, Samoans and other big brown people to make this kinda like Hawaii. However it hasn't appealed to gay people like the actual state. Hawaiian Gardens Casino, the only legal gambling spot in Hawaiian Gardens, is equipped with fold out chairs and tables, and Vietnamese people, ready with Phở to play Pai-Gow. Has the biggest gang raid in America, much bragging rights to Artesia up there, ese.
[edit] Yorba Linda
Proudly famous for being the hometown, birthplace and burial site of the former US President Richard M. Nixon, a.k.a. "Tricky Dick". It was founded by Don Bernado Yorba and his family during the Spainish missionary constructions. Once resided by the Quakers in his heyday and somewhere near the El Camino Route, it's been a suburban city for a long time. Take a look at Uptown Yorba Linda, Downtown Yorba Linda, and all of its beautiful places
[edit] Tustin
Once called "Tustucky" for being a huge colony of Rednecks, White trash and Blue collar types, it evolved into yet another suburban edge-city for Los Angeles escapees. No more ranches, oil fields, a large heliport that can't be converted to any reclaimed land use and any bit of countryside left. Don't forget to stop by at the Santa Ana Zoo, where you can view an exhibit of indigenous wildlife to save "it" from extinction.
[edit] Garden Grove
"Garbage Grove" to most locals, has been a nightmare for (used to be) die-hard racial segregationists after the desegregation of public schools, real estate tracts and business centers in the 1960's. Once 90% white, then they were nice enough to allow a few Black people, Vietnamese war refugees, Hispanic immigrants, Arab businessmen and even Jews in city council (once known to had KKK members). Not to worry, there are fun stuff to see here, like the glass-ceiling Crystal Cathedral. Enjoy the former capital of "disturbia" post-war suburbia (now went to Moreno Valley...uh wait, that's in Simi Valley, oh fuck it). Has a song about it by Sublime, pretty much explains everything.
[edit] Westminster
What's the matta yous? Nothing to see here, go along like you don't notice. Fountain Valley to the east, a friggin' toilet if you ask me. Seal Beach to the west: pasteurized, homogenized, mundane, corporate, Americana. Westminster Mall (ching chong chang) is basically a new Chinatown: full of nail salons, laundromats and housepet meat takeout.
[edit] Huntington Beach
The Place to be...surfers, swimmers, beach bums, homeless on the benches, drunken hazing frat boys, slutty sunbathing valley girls, dead sharks wash up (thanks to open sewers) and Tin can litter, gives the local reputation as "Tin can beach". Note that Bayside High school of Saved by the Bell allegedly in Huntington Beach.
[edit] Seal Beach
Kinda like Huntington Beach--a pier and Ruby's--but more boogyboarders, less surfers, and green water.
[edit] Newport Beach
An even better beach, millionaires everywhere. Posh, elegance, luxury and overrated. Balboa Island is crawling with yachts, it makes you wanna sing that 1980 one-hit wonder song "Sailing" by Chris Cross. Stop by the huge Newport center mall, build on a former landfill facing a stinky swamp of Newport Bay. Oh yea for rich white folks: Dennis Rodman has a home there, so does Oprah, Will Smith and other "uppity negroes".
[edit] Irvine
The stereotypical heart of Southern California or "Socal": Universities, Airports, Megamalls, Private Academies, Feng Shui, Acupuncture clinics, High-tech firms, Chinese-based companies, First Japanese car auto malls and "Fun" things like the Irvine Meadows ampitheatre for "moshing", Wild Rivers for "peeing" in wave pools and the Little Safari to see if the lions like to be petted. Back in 1971, only 1,000 farmers lived in a newly incorporated "town" to become home of over 200,000 in this sprawling 60-square mile suburb of single-family homes that managers can't afford. Will Ferrel grew up here, attended University High School in Irvine.
[edit] Mission viejo
A master-planned travesty of all sorts of a community. Named for a mission to the south in San Juan Capristrano, it's not old or "viejo" as it seems. O.J. Simpson's bronco was originally intended there (what the hell for?), but made a U-turn on the I-405 to his Mom's house in Baldwin Hills.
[edit] Laguna Niguel
It has a large federal building (check out the Homeland security agents). Nearby is the snobbery known as Laguna Beach ... so famous, it has an uncyclopediac article of its own. In Spanish, it means "Black bodies in a lagoon", but NO ONE is welcome to live here...too many people moving in.
[edit] Lake Forest
Used to have a naval air station (the El Toro), a speedway and even a monastery: now it's all houses, three freeways and shopping malls. I don't see a forest nor a lake around here, WTF? 5 miles north is Modjeska, watch out for violent anti-social hippies in the Santiago Mountains.
[edit] Laguna Hills
A gigantic cemetery of old people known as "Leisure world Laguna Woods". Smell the old people rot in the air. Also home of the Saddleback Church, a megachurch ran by televangelist hot-hed Rick Warren, who holds a grudge against the Westboro Baptists. The battle of Armageddon has just begun.
[edit] Aliso Viejo
A new city. Never heard of them before. I thought they don't want to incorporate so they won't pay any "city" taxes. Has a Japanese college (the Soka University of America), mascot: the "Anime Tigel-Rions" and the "Sairon Moon Univelse" cheerleaders (see Asian chicks). Once a holding ground for Japanese AMERICANs during WWII, these crafty "Japs" (and another ethnic group living there, Armenians) gipped us again.
[edit] Santa Margarita
Another new city. Wasting my way again in "Margaritaville". Formerly the Trabuco (i.e. "Marijuana") and Silverado (i.e. "Hidden Japanese soldiers") canyons, it's now a home to soccer moms, high school girls, emos and yuppies alike any typical American-Californian "dream". LOLZ. Coto de Caza: a gated psuedo-ranch community to make Robert Redford proud, maybe he has a home there. One rule: No women members may apply on the golf course...and no Jews allowed.
[edit] Dana Point
What's the point of this subsection? The street names are from Lanterns in a "rainbow scheme", known to attracted Gay couples en masse to this beach resort town. A partying atmosphere, you may well have a cruise ship slam on Dana Point, thanks to a drunken capitan and watch the oil pour out, the seals or sea lions will thank you.
[edit] San Juan Capistrano
Everytime it rains, the ground moves and watch the homes sink or slide down Interstate 5 or the "Transportation Corridors". But at least, the smart swallows know when to appear and leave the mission's bells on cue. They leave enough bird poo, the mission tradition since 1787 continues. Also home to an Indian tribe wants to "get back" the closed down El Toro USMC air base, either make it an airport or a casino or a "Great park". But a Central Park-style feature will be full of bums, muggers & litter.
[edit] San Clemente
Watch the city "glow" whenever the San Onofre nuclear power plant acts up. It may burn a hole in the earth's core and soon, you'll know the meaning of the "China syndrome". Note the huge "refugee" camps of Chinese in the nearby Camp Pendelton, therefore the invasion has begun. THE REDS CHINESE ARE COMING! THE REDS CHINESE ARE COMING! Orange County gets screwed.
