“"Who loves orange soda? I do, I do, I do!"”
“"OMG! Kel loves orange soda!!!"”
“Let them drink orange soda.”
An invention of Darth Hitler himself, orange soda is a sinister liquid with an uninspired name and an addictive flavour. The "sinister" comes in when one realizes that orange soda contains trillions of nanobots, microscopic pseudo-organisms that will break down your teeth and brain in an attempt to make you a mindless zombie willing to serve the Sith. Needless to say, this is a patently stupid plan.
History of Orange Soda
Orange soda was invented by Darth Hitler and the Cyberdine Corporation as a weapon to use against the Commies from Russia, China, Cuba, and the Welsh Congo. However, the Skynet system crashed, due to a failure of its Microsoft XP operating system, and launched missiles against Los Angeles, since it has the most Commies in the United States and it considered the city a threat to America.
Because of a computer error, orange soda was sent back in time, and became a popular beverage in the Roman Empire. According to Roman legend, Romulus (forefather of the Romulans in Star Trek) and Remus (a character in a Walt Disney minstrel show)), suckled orange soda from the wolf's teats. Julius Caesar invaded Britain to get to the orange soda mines under the control of the Druids in Cornwall. Cleopatra fell in love with Marc Antony because Caesar preferred root beer to orange soda, while Antony shared her tastes in the orange delight. When Nero was tired after playing during the burning of Rome, has demanded orange soda, saying wine was for commoners.
The story about Jesus turning milk into orange soda and bread into filet mignon was unfortunately written in the Gospel of Mary Magdalene, so it never made it into the Bible. Apparently orange soda was on the menu of the Next to Last Supper.
Because of the vast trading network of the Romans, orange soda soon found its way to the South Seas islands, and became the food staple of a people there and any stranded sails that happened to wash up there. One of these islands then went on to inspire the Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan horror movie "Joe Vs. the Volcano", which forced the Academy to confiscate Tom Hanks' Oscar for Forrest Gump.
Currently, the largest stockpile of Orange Soda on record is in an underground store room belonging to eligible bachelor, Kel Thompson. While Kel seems to be busy these days with his stellar hosting of UPN's 360. Breakers prizes often include, and are most likely limited to awarding Xbox's, copies of Star Wars Clone Wars, and ten pairs of Lugz. However, he still makes time for his only two true loves, Orange Soda, and Keannan, who has lovingly supported his many soda-izms, run ins with knights in mysterious haunted castles, and B.S. Both currently reside in a small burg about twenty or so miles south of the set where The Jeffersons was taped.
The Myth of "Peak Orange Soda"
Due to rising prices and demand in orange soda, some liberals have started parrotting myths about "peak orange soda", in which they say the rising price of orange soda is because the supply of orange soda is at its peak, and we'll soon run out. This belief however stems from a simplified understanding of economics, and does not take many factors into account, such as recent technological innovations lessening the production costs of orange soda while increasing the output, and that those in control of the production of orange soda are intentionally decreasing the output in an attempt to drive up prices, as well as the fact there are many untapped resources for orange soda, and regions of the world in which no exploration into the production of orange soda has been done, but which may yield orange soda if pursued.
People and Orange Soda
Likes Orange Soda
- Oscar Wilde
- This Guy
- Kel http://cin-e.tripod.com/films/mystery/kel1.jpg
- Also loves grape kool-aid
Dislikes Orange Soda
- Orange soda cannot be mixed with vodka as an alternative to orange juice.
- The flash point of orange soda is 6345 Kelvin.
- Orange soda is not an acceptable substitute for fake blood.
- Orange soda was outlawed in Chicago in 1920, leading the a rise in illegal orange soda trade, in which the Latvian Mafia soon rose to power.
- Orange soda is the basis of the economies of various Middle Eastern countries.
- The arch nemesis of orange soda is Red Bull
- Meet me at the flagpole at 3:30 and I'll stomp your goofy ass six ways from Sunday
- Make me, you pansy