Orange suit

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An orange suit.

The Orange suit is a modern and historical icon. It was first discovered in the Magic Age of Europe when King Kong of England wanted a cool new outfit. Today, the orange suit's historical importance isn't well known, instead, it is famous because of the fact that an orange suit makes its wearer invulnerable to fire. This characteristic of the orange suit was best displayed by David Bowie in his legendary fight against Mick Jagger, David Bowie v. Mick Jagger.

The Classic Orange Suit[edit]

David Bowie wearing a the classic orange suit in battle against Mick Jagger.

As the name implies, the original orange suit was simply a men's business suit that was made of orange fabric. Being rather funny looking, the orange suit almost disappeared into the annals of history. It was the discovery of the suit's fire-protective abilities that immortalized it. When the ability was discovered, the demand for orange fabric skyrocketed so that only royalty and wealthy merchants could afford orange suits. Thousands of peasants and serfs were fooled into paying a high price for what appeared to be an orange suit, but was actually an orangish-yellow, or sometimes a redish-orange, suit.

Early in its history, the orange suit was only used as a sort of toy for royalty. Kings and queens would have all sorts of fun walking through fire, challenging their friends to set them on fire, and such. But soon enough, the orange suit's potential in battle was finally realized in the legendary battle David Bowie v. Mick Jagger. David Bowie donned an orange suit to protect him from the volcano and Breath of Fire Jagger was using.

Had it not been for the orange suit, Bowie surely would have died. ...Well, he actually did die, but he managed to kill Jagger in the process, which surely would not have happened without the orange suit.

The Orange Suit and Safety-Use[edit]

A NASA Blackstranaut wearing his orange space suit.

The most common use of the orange suit is safety purposes. Many versions of the orange suit have been developed by different organizations to fit their purposes.

NASA and the Orange (Space)Suit[edit]

For years NASA had been using the vanilla white space suit, typical of all space agencies. There had been some internal lobbying, particularly from the Mexican janitors, to "spice-up" the NASA suit, but the older conservative members of NASA stiffly refused all suggestions. They were finally forced to change the space suit because outer space was set on fire by the Russians. "If we can't travel to space, nobody can," decalared the communist government. In order to show the Russians that America refused to be deterred, NASA developed the orange space suit to protect their astronauts in the inferno of space.

Samus Aran in her orange powersuit.

Samus Aran and the Orange (Power)Suit[edit]

Samus Aran had always dreamed of becoming a bounty hunter. However, she was a woman, and therefore inferior to men. Since most bountied heads were male, Samus would be doomed to be an ineffective bounty hunter. Samus dispaired at her misfortune, until she finally discovered a solution: a woman alone may be inferior to a man, but not a woman in an orange suit with a gunhand. Samus got an investment from the Intergalctic bank of Chozo to develop her orange power suit with. It fits her perfectly and she has since enjoyed a successful career as a bounty hunter. According to some criticsm she a better bounty hunter than Boba Fett, solely because she has an orange suit, as opposed to his gray one.

Gordon Freeman modeling Black Mesa's orange hazard suit.

Black Mesa and the Orange (Hazard)Suit[edit]

The Orange Hazard Suit, sometimes called a Hazard Suit or ORS for short, was developed by Black Mesa research labs for some of its scientists who had to work in rather dangerous environments. It protects against all sorts of hazards other than fire. It came especially in handy when a race of aliens took over the facility. Regrettably, the facility's security guards ("Barneys") were not equipped with the orange hazard suits, and so they all got slaughtered. Since most scientist's weren't wearing their Orange Hazard Suits either, they got slaughtered too.

Most of the other protective powers given to the Orange Hazard Suit come from the magical greek lambda character emblazed on the chest. Mathematicians have always known that greek letters are magical, and since so many PhDs work at Black Mesa, they knew about the magical protective powers of the lambda. The magic was somewhat hampered, however, since the scientists used the lambda as an A to spell Half-Life, rather than an L, which is what the lambda really is.

Civilian Variations on the Orange Suit[edit]

Andrea Yates wearing an orange jumpsuit in court, she later used it to jump the prison wall and escape.

In addition to fire protection, the orange jumpsuit also allows its wearer to jump twice as high as usual. Some of the East German Olympians long jumpers attempted to wear orange jumpsuits underneath their uniforms in the 1936 Summer Olympics. When the Olympic committee found out, they used their knowledge to get a bribe from of East Germany not to disqualify the athletes. The athletes were still disqualified later when the Americans paid an even bigger bribe to the Olympic committee.

Another famous use of the orange jumpsuit was by Andrea Yates who requested that her prison jumpsuit be orange. The guards, too ignorant to know the powers of such a jumpsuit, went ahead and gave her one. When she was let out during recreation time, Yates jumped over the prison wall and kept on hopping to freedom.

The Orange Suit in Fashion[edit]

Napoleon Dynamite shows off a polished orange suit look. Notice his sweet ride in the background.

In some cultures where there is no need for orange suits, people still wear orange suits for fashion purposes. The orange suit is best complemented by a pastel colored tie and some gold bracelets. A gold ring can also sometimes be worn with an orange suit, but it is not typically done.

The hairdo worn with an orange suit is important as well. An afro works very well, especially if the person is black. A perm is also a common choice. If one is a red-head the hairdo is especially fabulous. Others dye their hair red, and it does improve the look considerably, but it is impossible to match the beauty of the authentic red hair orange suit combo.

Most important, to pull off the look one must have a sweet ride. The sweet ride should be either a low-rider or a muscle car. The sweet ride should also have dubs and a sweet paintjob.

The orange suit is so highly regarded that in some cultures it is actually considered a sign of fertility.

People Who Have Worn an Orange Suit[edit]