Orthodox Spring

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Orthodox Spring is celebrated on March 18th in most southern European nations.

It is traditionally celebrated on the 18th rather than the traditional 20th or 21st, because March 18th is the day that all the cats come into heat. In the Orthodox religion, this is seen as a blessing, as it means the people will soon reap a bounty of completely huffable kittens.

Origins[edit]

During the early Roman Empire, kitten huffers were persecuted for their behavior. The kitten huffers celebrated spring in small, private festivals held where outsiders could not see their insidious acts.

Following the death of Jesus Christ, it became widely accepted to huff kittens in most parts of the Romanized world. Orthodox tradition holds that during his ascent into heaven, Christ promised mankind a bounty of kitten to huff every spring to help them atone for their sins... or something.

After 323 years, it became apparent that every year, the majority of female cats came into heat on March 18th. This lead t a widespread need for vigilance, as perverts frequently would trying to breed the cats before male cats could get to them.

This led to the tradition of pervert-whacking, the most commonly observed tradition of Orthodox Spring. Rather than have their beloved cats raped by perverts, the Orthodox kitten huffers voluntary helped jack the perverts off.

This traditional helped save a pure kitten breed for centuries of good kitten huffing. Although the occasional feline-human mix is accidentally huffed, an old saying emerged: "It isn't really spring until someone has huffed a human-kitten halfling!"

Observations[edit]

One the morning of March 18th, Orthodox kitten huffers herd all the perverts in town into local strip clubs. There, the perverts are lavished with sexual favors to prevent the cross breeding of humans with the invaluable kittens.

After the perverts have been whacked, the Orthodox kitten huffers go out into town and wrangle as many tomcats as possible to get the breeding going right away.

A priest blesses the ceremony by huffing a newly inseminated pussy before sundown.

Following sundown, the Orthodox kitten huffers congregate to huff the remianing winter stocks of kittens. Once the winter kittens are gone, 40 days of fasting ensues, sometimes known as Huffers Lent.

Great moments in Orthodox Spring[edit]

  • 30 The first Orthodox Spring is celebrated in Palestine.
  • 112 Roman emperor Trajan orders the execution of all kitten huffers.
  • 113 Trajan is huffed.
  • 205 Kitten huffing arrives in China via the Silk Road.
  • 476 The Goths celebrate their first Orthodox Spring following the Sack of Rome.
  • 696 The Pope bans kitten huffing.
  • 708 The next Pope un-bans kitten huffing.
  • 1021 The Year without an Orthodox Spring. All the cats in the world fail to go into heat. Social disorder ensues throughout Euroipe.
  • 1198 Orthodox kitten huffers capture Jerusalem from the non-huffing Muslims.
  • 1498 Cabot introduces kitten huffing to the New World.
  • 1591 The British East India Company signs the first trade agreement with Siam permitting the importation of Siamese kittens for huffing.
  • 1789 Kitten huffing is written into the U.S. Constitution as an inalienable right.
  • 1865 Kitten huffing is forcibly reintroduced in the American South.
  • 1918 Germany surrenders following two years of kitten shortages.
  • 1924 Stalin bans kitten huffing in the Soviet Union.
  • 1925 In Soviet Russia, kitten huffing bans Stalin and YOU!!!
  • 1945 Kitten huffing is forcibly introduced to Japan.
  • 1951 Korea rebels against the forcible introduction of kitten huffing, as it offends their dog eating society.
  • 1987 to 1990 The fall of communism allows the rapid reintroduction of kitten huffing to eastern Europe.
  • 2001 Al-Qaeda bans the practice of kitten huffing and declares a global jihad against it.
  • 2003 Kitten huffing is forcibly introduced to Iraqistan.