“I know this won't go down well with the trendy-fashionable Guardianistas of metropolitan so-called London but Sir Oswald was right about everything ever. And you can't say that these days without being called a "fascist". It's the Cannon and Ball Show gone mad!”
“I opened for him at the Bolton Empire in July 1936. The crowd kept calling for When I'm Cleaning Windows. They weren't satisfied with Aunty Maggie's Remedy. One of them shot the piano player.”
“Not a friendly crowd.”
Baronet Sir Oswald Ernald Mosley (1890 - 1979) was a well groomed British fascist and fornicator and so is his son; literally. He was made famous off the back of a highly popular stand-up routine, and could be seen screaming his head off up and down the British Isles for many years, until he dropped dead of course.
Mosley was born in London, England to aristocrats. His childhood years were spent associating with other children from various ethnic backgrounds or "natural inferiors" as little Oswald was taught to call them. Oswald enjoyed playing games such as "Squarebashing" and "Who can goosestep the highest?". Local people found him cute and charming, but then they said the same about Caligula when he was a nipper.
Ascertaining that he was most definitely a homosexual, Mosley found himself in the rather difficult situation of being gay and a Nazi. He resolved never to let anyone else know, and managed to have children by inserting his flaccid penis into his wife and having six prositutes with german accents spank his unwilling seed out of his body and into her waiting uterus.
World War I
Mosley joined the British Army in 1914 and saw a great deal of action at the rear in France. He also fought in the war. After the end of hostilities in 1918 he left the army, disillusioned with how peaceful it had become and looked for an alternative way to make a living.
Young Oswald stood for parliament, initially winning a seat as a Conservative (which came with a free knighthood) in 1920 he became disillusioned with postwar tory policies and defected to Labour in 1921. He got sick of them too and defected to the Liberals in 1923 but found them a bit wet, really and defected to the German-Takeover Now! Party later that year who were subsequently banned following the passing of the 1923 Obvious Foreign Agents In Parliament Act, losing him his seat and his income.
Starting in 1924, Mosley became one of the first well-known standup comedians in Great Britain. His routine, which centred around humourous, often satirical characters he created, such as "Chalkie the Communist" and "Thieving Jew Who Controls All The Money", were extremely popular with some London audiences but caused extreme animosity from others. As a result, there were often fights between Mosley's fans (dubbed "blackshirts" on account of the outfits they wore to reduce stains from all the beer and spit thrown their way) and Mosley's opponents (called "The international jew-bolshevik conspiracy" by Mosley).
Mosley's popularity lead to him doing several radio broadcasts entitled Sir Oswald's Laughter Hour, a mixture of jokes, sketches, songs and racial slurs in which he worked alongside his "straight man" Arthur Askey. The prolific jokesmith Comrade Neil Clark worked for him at this time, and coined the various puns Mosley made on the word "immigration".
Eventually, Mosley's shows were becoming so popular that he could command audiences of 20,000 at the Royal Albert Hall. Amongst his greatest fans was Lord Rothmans, the editor of the Daily Mail who wrote an article titled "HURRAH FOR THE BLACKSHIRTS" after Mosley's fans bought him a whole pint of piping-hot beer.
British Union Of Fascist Bastards
Eventually, Mosley started referring to his shows as "rallies" and in 1930 organised his supporters into a new political party, the British Union Of Fascist Bastards. This new party pledged to "revitalise" Britain and the British Empire through a policy of dressing in black jumpsuits, wearing peaked caps at a silly angle and harassing Jews and leftwingers. The latter policy eventually lead to a big streetbrawl called "The Battle Of Cable Street" which Mosley lost, clearly something fascists are never supposed to do ever. Undaunted, Mosley continued to hold rallies and grow his new movement. In 1939, however, with the declaration of war against Nazi Germany, there were concerns in Whitehall about Mosley. A senior civil servant wrote to Neville Chamberlain declaring:
"I know Sir Oswald's a bit of a lark, and I know you like his early standup stuff but frankly this later stuff isn't just unfunny, it's quite possibly pro-German. I suggest we have him locked up. He was better on the radio too."
Chamberlain's government agreed and Oswald was duly imprisoned along with his fans under the emergency "Possible Traitors" powers. This wasn't a violation of their human rights, though, because they were fascists.
After World War II
Following the war, Mosley and his fans were released and he returned to standup. During the late 1940s, he played several benefit gigs for the "Send 'Em Home" movement (later the UK Independence Party) where he brought-back some old favourites as well as introducing new characters such as "Scheming Indian Whose Independent Country Will Side With Soviet Russia". He also revitalised his radio career in the 1950s, appearing regularly on Tony Hancock's famous sitcom Hancock's Half Hour playing angry neighbour "Mr Nazi".
In the early 1970s, he appeared several times on the Radio 4 panel gameshow Just A Minute but was eventually banned after constantly deviating from the subject to the "international jew-negro conspiracy" within ten seconds, castigating Clement Freud as "a filthy liberal who wants to control this show like his type control this country!" and trying to have "deviant" Kenneth Williams shot.
Later life and death
Towards the end of his life, Mosley became a regular on talk shows and, in the 1970s, continued to make money as a "warm up man" for Conservative Party conferences. He died in 1979 whilst having a tribute song, "Good Old Oswald Mosley", sung at him by Mel Smith on Not The Nine O'Clock News. (lyrics shown below) The smell of Mel's digesting BBC canteen dinner which inevitably blasted towards him during this performance was too much for the old racist's heart.
- "Good Old Oswald Mosley"
- written by Peter Brewis
- sung by Margaret Thatcher, Pamela Stephenson, Mel Smith and Griff Rhys Jones
They didn’t understand ‘im, some people called ‘im mad But any friend of ‘Itler’s can’t have been all bad Baronet Oswald Ernald Mosley! Baronet Oswald Ernald Mosley! He was popular and handsome as Richard Burton 'Cause I seen on the box once with his black shirt on And though I cannot claim to be any great authority As far as I’m concerned the sun shone out of his oratory He could have been a great dictator given ‘alf a chance But they treated ‘im like a traitor So he went to live in France (where else would a traitor live?) Baronet Oswald Ernald Mosley! Baronet Oswald Ernald Mosley!
Sir Oswald Mosley's contribution to the world of far-right politics and standup comedy remains influential. He has been claimed as an inspiration by Jim Davidson, Nick Griffin and Hezbolaughs (the comedy wing of Hezbollah). Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has also been quoted as being "a big fan of the English zionist-hater" and is pushing for the release of a box-set of Mosley's early routines and radio shows. He also leaves behind a son; Max Mosley voted the sexiest man alive ever in the history of the universe who also happens to be the current president of Formula One's Governing body the ultra right wing fascist FIA. Mosley JR is said to base his running of the organization on a business model devolped by his late Father.
Latter Day Critism
By Population Anti-Mosley: Britain Including Cabbies: 20% Britain Excluding Cabbies: 80% Everywhere Else: 100%