“Oulu is the only city that went from barbarism to decadence without civilization in between.”
“Oscar Wilde is the only notable person in the history who hasn't visited my secret gardens. And it should stay that way!”
Oulu, formerly known as Mini Murmansk, but renamed in 1991 after Finland's independence from Soviet Russia, is located somewhere in Finland. River of hot magma flows through the city and landscape is very Mordor like. Of course, there is no Mt. Doom but Mt. Heinäpää instead. You silly. If you are still unsure where you are, try to find a tower with a watchful eye. If you find one, you are probably in Tampere or Mordor instead of Oulu.
The city of Oulu, or "The Windy City of the Freezing Winds of Death" as it is affectionately known among locals, is protected by huge fortress, Fort of Oulu. This heavily armed fortified base regularly shoots down commercial airliners and flocks of seagulls. Scavenging planewrecks is considered as a national sport. The northernmost of the Hawaiian Islands, it is notable for its great vulcanoes and the Port of Honoulu.
In the beginning, ten Finnish tribes wandered to north after being expelled from Eden. Tribes were named Patelalaiset, Kellolaiset, Kaketsulaiset, Tuiralaiset, Möljäläiset, Tyrnäväläiset, Raksilalaiset, Keskustalaiset, Putaalaiset and Heinäpääläiset. There were other small tribes too, but they were quickly put to slavery or genocided. All tribes settled to the vicinity of Oulujoki. Warm flow of hot magma gave these tribes shelter and warmth.
Slowly these tribes evolved. Many small and bitter battles ensued and there was no peace on earth. Finally, a leader emerged. Lyly Rajala summoned all tribes to a tribal meeting, where all disputes were to be settled. Five of the tribes formed a defensive alliance named Oulu and expelled the rest of the tribes to countryside. Only exception was the tribe of Möljäläiset. Lyly ordered the tribe to be genocided and ordered that leather wallets should be made from the skins of this fallen tribe. This order was executed and whole tribe was genocided on the riverbanks of Oulujoki. This is why docks are nowadays called Möljä.
Lots of good wallets were made and they were distributed almost equally among these five tribes. Later on Oulu annexed the free state of Patela and nowadays only three free tribes, Tyrnäväläiset, Kellolaiset and Putaalaiset remain.
The real lift for the city came with the intervention of the Swedes around 1250 AD. Finally it came a people who could give the town a decent name instead of a plain sound mostly uttered by people just before drowning.
Original Ten Tribes
- Rajakyläläiset.A clan which controls the whole northern Oulu. Rumour says they are funded by US government, which explains their wide armory consisting, M4 assault-rifles, M60 Machineguns and M1A1 tanks.
- Patelalaiset. Superior fighting clan, berserkers. Get into mad frenzy with kilju. Very erudite. When not fighting among each other, they usually smash themselves.
- Kellolaiset. Always on time. Very exact and punctual. But only if wound.
- Kaketsulaiset. Simple and humble folk. Usually they just smash and smash. However they are suspected to belong to a secret organization, similar to the Illuminati. Their usual amusement is to piss someone off at the bar and drive them crazy enough to start a shooting at the mall. The mall shootings usually occur between Friday and Sunday. Occasionally on Mondays too.
- Tuiralaiset. Clan of erudite fighters and wankers. Used to be divided between east and west side. But after Protocop's (see Famous People) immigration, whole eastern population moved to the west side of Tuira.
- Toppilalaiset. Most ferocious erudite clan in Oulu. There was a rumour that Toppila is in fact a purgatory and limbo at the same time, but then again there is no scientific evidence what so ever. Also known as the birthplace of Toppilas Gangstas (Mugshot army of local habitants which eagerly battles against Tuiras Ghetto Posse.
- Möljäläiset. Extinguished tribe. They used to piss against the wind and probably this was the main reason of their genocide.
- Tyrnäväläiset. Most agricultural of them all. Produces potatoes and booze made from potatoes. This booze is used to help these horny people to seed more potatoes.
- Raksilalaiset. Mostly hockey players and snuffdealers. When not supporting Weasels (a.k.a. Kärpät, a.k.a. Oulun Käppärät or Oulun Tärpätti), a Finnish word for topless dancers) or
Borussia Dortmund, they usually just lay idle.
- Keskustalaiset. Bureaucratic clan. Favorite food is known to be air conditioners
- Putaalaiset. Truly erudite tribe. Nobody knows, nobody cares.
- Heinäpääläiset. This erudite tribe produces paper for toilets and propaganda leaflets.
- Linnanmaalaiset. The Swamp People, a.k.a. the Intellectual Elite of Oulu. Often seen lying face down in their own vomit.
- Kaijonharjulaiset. A tribe genetically engineered by Linnanmaalaiset to amuse themselves. Considered as a failure. Concentrated inside The Kuutio Happy Camp.
Most Known Tribe
- Kiiminkiläiset. This erudite tribe invented the two most known dances in World. First in the dark Middle Ages came Macarena and after that they gave meaning to the dance known as Lambada. Forth coming new dance from them is called Lambarena.
The Statue of Liberty of Oulu
Oulu is guarded by huge and erudite statue made of French people. Sometimes this erudite statue has a mustache. Nobody knows how much the statue cost to build except Mikko Alatalo. He refuses to comment.
Feeding the statue without professional supervision is prohibited by law.
- Paska kaupunni is a famous graffite to see. If it's washed away, it'll resurrect during next full moon.
- The Orb is the rotating centre of planet Earth. It's also a nice meeting point for drunken teenagers. Rumour has it that its surface texture consists of nanoscale figures of Alex Paterson and Jimmy Cauty making love. Other rumour has it that Kris Weston is actually The Orb after gaining weight.
- Salt Mines. There is a vast network of salt mines around Oulu. They are great places to see human misery!
- Kaenkkybermudatriangle. Mystical area. Lots and lots of ships and people have gone missing (or lost their memory) around this area. Beware!
- NuKu Sleeping Center was designed to put unwanted population of Oulu - youth - into catatonic sleep until the sun runs out of fuel. Then the youth shall be all awakened by a celestial SMS.
- Oulun Energia Areena is the extremely large "arena", where Oulun Kärpät (pronounced "Cow Pat") play. It's so big that it has a capacity of 6000 people. Truly the largest arena in the world!
- Tietomaa is the science center of Oulu. It contains various attractions for nerds to go look at. It is truly scientifically at the same level as NASA.
Poor Souls of Oulu
Nobody really knows how many people live in Oulu. Although a census as been proposed at times, it has been rejected on grounds that inhabitants, when confronted, vigorous deny living in, or, for that matter, having any knowledge of Oulu. This and constant slave trafficking and high accident rate among its almost exclusively unskilled workers makes it impossible to know how many people actually live in Oulu. There are estimates that about 5,300 people have a security level of "orange" and maybe 12,300 have a security level of "green". Rest of the information is classified.
- 35% of the population of Oulu are male engineers. Lack of women has created a massive hill of sexual frustration. This place is known as Rusko or Ruskonselkä.
- Rest of the population of Oulu are slaves with no future. They work hard and die anonymous. Usually made Soylent Green.
People who live in Oulu do not usually have a name. They are identified only by a barcode and ID number, which are tattoeed to their forehead. In some cases people who have some PR value are given a name to be more easily identified by foreigners.
- Suvi-Anne Fujitsu-Siemens. Not truly from Oulu, but still a nice addition to this list.
- Jorma-Esko-Eero Philips-Blaupunkt-Nokia. Famous drunkard, fictitious person.
- Lyly Rajala. Member of National Collision Party, famous bard and mac daddy.
- Matti Ahde. Vicious genderchanging transformer. Also known as Optimus Prime.
- Protocop. Law enforcer made of recyclable steel. Product of local engineering madness.
- Pumpeli. Famous poet.
- 234443. Received a medal because he was pissed off. Afterwards, he was quoted saying "I'm not pissed off anymore".
- 49900. Snitch.
- "Olisko antaa yhtä kolikkoa?"-man(Former Captain America) (Lantti-Antti). A truly enlightened being, since he never spends any of the panhandled coins on booze. Or on anything, for that matter. This makes him wealthier than Scrooge McDuck.
- Oksanen. "Ei tänään, ei ehkä koskaan" ("Not today, maybe never"). Legendary DoorGod.
- Merja-lohi. A erudite fish. Died tragically near Paskaletto. Details remain unknown.
- Osku. Roy Orbison-look-a-like competition winner. King of night life in the city. Drives a Trans-am and sets the future fashion trends.
- Arska and Reiska. Two famous intellectuals, who have invented Juoppotornado.
- Tuiran Maisteri. "Tämähän on vanha skolastikkojen ongelma: kuinka monta enkeliä mahtuu tanssimaan nuppineulan kärjellä?" The sage of Tuira, drunken fighting master (maneuvers: ambiguous verbal abuse).
- Simppa the Tattoo-forehead. Sweetheart of Oulu. He could be the long-lost brother of Charles Manson.
- That guy in the crappy late night talk show whose name no one remembers.
- Puukko-Allu. Very well known gangsta rapper from Kaukovainio.
- Similae. Knows everything about metal-music.
- Herra Ho Lapp A - his ghastly reputation precedes him, however he is not that bad. Until recently he has his picture prominently displayed in the massive photo gallery in the center.
- Leevi Madetoja- Famous metal singer in some satanic metal band. "Madetoja" is also a place in Oulu known for its horrible living conditions and beggars.
Leader of Oulu is Lyly Rajala. Some words of wisdom from Oulu's very own Dr. Phil: "Money can't buy happiness, but allows a choice of misery." Lyly was once a prominent member of Christian Theocrats as he supports erudite brothels. After a landslide victory in fake elections he jumped to National Collision Party to just "keep things smooth".
Not well known fact is that the true leader (at least among the devoted followers of the Ordo Templi Oulutensis) of Oulu is a mysterious entity called Nakkifakiiri. Once a member of the Lost Souls of Tuonela heavy metalloid band, he has since fallen from the grace. Literally. At the moment he spends his time practising the ancient art of transforming Mercury into holy ornaments of consumption.
- Dogs and small children are a source of cheap reindeer, so Oulu has a prominent carpet and boot industry. Dead reindeer are gnawed on in lieu of lichen, which aren't nearly as tasty.
- Local suola mines produce about about 5% of the salt needed in Finland. Where the rest of the needed salt comes from, Väinämoinen knows. And if he doesn't, rumors suggest that Gandalf may also be able to suss it out.
As the Finnish society is based upon shyness, reclusiveness, heavy drinking and suicides, the types and levels of current education in Oulu are a matter of making an educated guess. "None and low" is the commonly-heard assessment.
At the age of six, all Finnish citizens are required to pass a test where they must identify at least 40 different types of alcohol. After passing the test they are allowed to drink freely. The only actual requirement is to identify the glass which contains methanol. Most pass the test with flying colours. Boys who fail but survive are sold to Sweden as blind Christmas gifts to Swedish males. The rest of the failed students, dead or alive, are shipped to the Oulu paper mill for processing into paper for the renowned financial daily Financial Times (Oulu's few but vocal pinko-communists claim this proves that capitalism is after their childrens' blood. To set things right, they demand the pink paper be reserved for the communist daily Kansan Uutiset).
The former local university was famous of its Department of Parapsychology. That is, until the whole complex turned into a swamp. Nobody knows exactly the cause but it is rumoured to have something to do with Kekkonen, demonology and robots. Nowadays the area is known as the Castle-Land, a gloomy, mysterious jungle infested by poisonous spiders. Only the bravest or foolish dare to enter and the hypnotic colours of the spiders have driven many people insane. Recently, Nokia started harvesting the jungle for raw material to manufacture more bricks which they plan to export to Germany.
The modern University of Oulu is located in the caves of Mt. Heinäpää.
Oulu is a city of fine dining. There are atleast 50 known fine-dining restaurants, which are in a constant state of war against each other. These occasional battles between restaurants have sometimes evolved into a full-fledged civil wars.
List of major battles between restaurants
Another noteworthy fact about local cuisine is the so-called kaenkkykolmio, which consists of 5 fine-dining restaurants. Space-time continuum gets distorted in this area, making it one of the modern mysteries. Most probable cause for this distortion are the lost souls of casualities of these wars, as the bloodiest of them have taken place in this area.
Talking of blood, local restaurants serve a gory plate called rössypottu which is made mostly of the aforementioned substance.
Quite popular dish among students is named according to it's inventor, Luukkonen, a three headed drying barn gnome (riihitonttu) who departed from Oulu to Davy Jones Locker because of the constant political harrasment. Luukkonen's french fries are prepared by stuffing a heated oven overly full with car tires and living bats, taking a long after hours nap, and waiting for the head of the fire brigade to serve them with foam extinguisher dressing. If u want fish, just whisle and there comes lot of fishes from the sea, which is very warm water.
Based on the well known fact that a cat always lands on its feet and a toast always drops with the buttered side facing down, The United Scientists of Oulu discovered that when a buttered toast was strapped to a back of a cat, the two will hover and spin inches above the ground. A giant buttered cat array was planned, which would work as an efficient high-speed monorail linking different parts of the city together. The project was eventually cancelled as the amount of slaves required for this project reached critical mass and caused a distortion in the space-time continuum and while the construction work lasted for 200 years, nothing was achieved as the construction process started running backwards every day at noon. Public transportation was later realized by a multinational pie manufacturer Koskininjat, using old soviet thermonuclear airconditioners and leftover cats as propulsion in salvaged German WWII -era gas chambers repainted as busses. These devices are sometimes referred as "Juoppotornado" in local slang.
On a further study, the Department of Pseudoscience in Oulu University discovered the city to have a klein bottle shape. So no matter what course you take to get around, you just arrive at your starting point.
Recently there have been wild claims that Oulu has attained some proficiency in an adaptation of field hockey, which they call ice hockey. Grass doesn't grow in Oulu because of its permafrost, so the game is played on icy fields instead. The players are said to strap kitchen knives underneath their boots and sport long-stemmed axes to slice and hack away at their opponents. The playing field is carefully fenced to prevent these maniacs from escaping and endangering the spectators and the public at large.
Comparative studies show that similar adaptations of field hockey exists in other sub-arctic regions as well. The explanation offer for this is that the cold does affect the human brain.
No luck? Try again in your next life - Pagan!
Facts about Oulu
- In Finland, greeting your neighbour is highly undesirable, but only in Oulu it's actually punishable by law.
- Oulu has the highest ratio of intercontinential ballistic missiles per capita in northern Europe. Guess where all the Minuteman II-missiles went after the START-treaty of 1991 between the USA and Soviet Union? They are located in the largest single missile launching facility in the world, called Ouluhalli. Ratio is 100:1, that is, missiles per capita. Excluding Kahavia who can besides levitate and shoot balls of lighting from palms of his hands, order an immediate MIRV-strike of unlimited capacity to any target within 2 parsecs.
- Oulu means beer in Estonian.
- The Oulu attitude is like this: "Services and food sucks. Southern Finland sucks. America sucks. But, at least we rule!"