Outlook Express

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Outlook Express is a time machine installed on every computer that attempts to run the Windows operating system.

History[edit]

Outlook Express was originally invented by Wallace & Gromit and Lisa Simpson using mathematical symbols stolen from the formula that proves how the Flying Spaghetti Monster flies. Microsoft later stole their blueprints, added a few random circles and squares, and transmitted it to all computers that use the Windows operating system via project Windows Update. Microsoft also had an idea that portals could be used to allow people to travel forward in time into another person's computer, which spurred the creation of Spyware. It is now estimated that 137.85675% of the world's population use Outlook Express on a daily basis, however the program never quite caught on with the "Magic 8 Ball" crowd (Hence, Magic 8 Balls often say "Outlook not good").

Internal Workings[edit]

Outlook Express uses Internet Explorer to find time portals. Time portals are randomly placed on the interwebs by hackers and can be identified by the @ symbol, an example being [email protected] There are three sections of a time portal that must be noted:

  • The bit before the @ symbol is the phase of the universe's global nebula span. This is required to make sure the matter sent in the time machine assembles correctly at the other end.
  • The section between the @ and the . is used to route the time phase.
  • The remaining part after the . notifies the time machine of which Stargate to use, the most common being COM or "Central Obit Mainframe".

Usage[edit]

Each journey on the time machine is known as a message. In order to use Outlook Express, one must find a time portal and then enter it into the destination address of a new message. The destination year must then be correctly entered into the subject field. Once this has been done, the person wishing to travel must place their hand on the big empty space located at the bottom of the window. Outlook Express will then grab nano segments of their DNA through the LSD screening program and send it down a pipe to the be stored in an iPod time capsule, where it is beamed to the time portal.

Security Issues[edit]

Outlook Express is known to have many security issues. After close inspection it seems that the French security guards employed by Microsoft to guard the time portals are usually either on strike or practicing their Binary, leaving the security holes open in the process.