PEEV

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People Enraged by the Eating of Vegetables, better known by their acronym PEEV, is a militant vegetable-welfare organization known for their radical politics and unorthodox methods.

Basic Philosophy[edit]

"Salad is Murder!"

PEEV believes that vegetables should have the same rights as any multi-cellular organism - that a daffodil has the same right to life as a beluga whale, and that a human baby has no more rights than a brussel sprout or sprig of parsley. PEEV holds that vegetables are caring, sensitive beings which nurture and love their seedlings and therefore should be treated with respect and care. PEEV members are against eating vegetables, and also against farming, arboretums, orchards, vegetable gardens, Christmas trees, and bonsai. PEEV members also do not believe in clothing made out of animal material (wool, silk, and leather) or vegetables (cotton, linen) and usually cover themselves with tin foil, fiberglass, or asbestos. However, another group (People for the Liberation of Rocks and Minerals- PLRM) put pressure on them to stop, and so now most PEEVs go nude.

Bacteretarianism[edit]

PEEV members are against eating any multi-celled life, either animals, vegetables, or fungus. This leaves blue-green algae and bacterial slimes as the only acceptable diet for a PEEV member; this diet is called bacteretarianism. In the past, whether it is OK to eat the mold growing in the back of your refrigerator was a topic of contention for PEEV members. However, scientific research settled the issue. Refrigerator mold shares more DNA with humans than with plants, and has a complex multi-cellular structure consisting of interwoven filaments, so now PEEV members believe that it is not morally acceptable to eat mold. However, some still accept the eating of mold spores.

Activism[edit]

PEEV is known for their aggressive protesting tactics. They have been known to picket farms and soy milk factories chanting "Tofu is murder!" and to throw buckets of red paint on people wearing cotton T-shirts. PEEV recently staged a sit-in outside a Home Depot because they were selling bonsai junipers. They find the practice of bonsai - which includes 'training' a tree using pruning, wiring of the trunk, and water deprivation - to be "abhorrent" and a form of torture. One of their most controversial ads involved their Reagan campaign, which featured a picture of a senile Ronald Reagan with the words "I'd rather be a vegetable than eat a vegetable".


Membership[edit]

PEEV has over 100,000 members and numerous celebrity supporters including LaToya Jackson and Keanu Reeves. Said Reeves, "Well, like I support PEEV. Because, uh, I mean think about it. I'm not that much smarter than a cabbage. And don't have half as much personality. So is it, like, OK to eat me then? Then I'm all like, WHOA, no man, I don't want to be eaten, don't eat me man! Like, I don't want to be made into kimchi! So I joined PEEV."

The VLF[edit]

The Vegetable Liberation Front is a radical splinter faction of PEEV. Vegetable Liberation Front members believe that the time for protest and letter-writing campaigns is over, and that militant action must be taken to stop vegetable cruelty and the ongoing Plant Holocaust. Their activities include freeing trees from orchards and Christmas tree farms, and liberating crops from farmer's fields. They have been criticized for the visible failure of some of these efforts. For instance, an attempt to "liberate" 100 orchids from a Safeways went awry when the tropical plants were released into the wilds of upstate New York and quickly froze to death.

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