PTI
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“Where the fuck have all my Pop-Tarts gone? ”
~ Dr. Plugenstienski on PTI
“We need more places like PTI, because God knows how much I like babies!”
~ Oscar Wilde on PTI and Babies
“Guys, I'm super cereal, manbearpig owns PTI!”
~ Al Gore on PTI
“Fuck Al Gore and fuck PTI.”
~ George Bush on Al Gore and PTI
“I'm in!”
~ Oscar Wilde on fucking Al Gore
PTI, or Pop-Tart Island, not to be confused with Three Mile Island Nuclear Generating Facility or the ESPN show "Pardon the Interruption", is a smellular power plant. Now you may question the idea of building such a dangerous facility, and your worries are not in vain. The facility did suffer a partial meltdown back in 1979, but who cares about that. It was years ago, and besides, the workers were probably high anyway. For more information please keep reading. If you would like to leave this page, click here!
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[edit] How The Hell It Came About
During the push to find more efficient ways to create energy, a brilliant scientist by the name of Fjord Plugenstienski came up with the idea to use Pop-Tarts instead of plutonium or uranium as power sources. Thus PTI was born, ending the current funding for research into the energy efficiency of burning babies. Even though this was never his intention (in fact, Plugenstienski was all for baby-based fuels), Fjord Plugenstienski was awarded the Humanitarian Award for saving countless baby lives. Many world-renowned scientists have nominated Plugenstienki for the Nobel Prize, but he has never won. This may be due to what has come to be known as the Smellular Meltown of '79, explained in more detail farther down on the page. Some people claim Plugenstienski may have been partly, or even perhaps full blown mentally retarded but this is only a myth.
Purely as a side note, the creation of PTI did increase the world hunger rate by 0.023%, but no one cares.
[edit] What Pop-Tart Mile Island Really Is
Pop-Tart Island is a Smellular Plant, running on Pop-Tart Generators which in turn are fueled by Pop-Tarts. The Pop-Tart Generators create energy and convert them into the scent of burning Pop-Tarts, more commonly known as "Scent". The scents were then piped to homes in the surrounding area of the factory, which currently is abandoned and being cleaned by the government. Everyone who had lived there has since moved and all were given a large sum of money by the government in order to keep their mouths shut.
As it turns out, the scents created by the smellular plant were not very efficient. They have very few uses, few of which are actually that useful.
[edit] Common Uses of Scent
- creating hunger (only in certain occasions)
- making a house smell like burnt pop tarts
- making a person sick to their stomach
- attracting whores, dogs, the homeless, small Asian children, meerkats, and Seth Rogen
- curing AIDS, Herpes, and all other sexually transmitted infections
However, it was proven in a recent study done by an elite society of Bavarian scientists that the scents emitted by PTI do, in fact, cause every form of cancer. They also make a person become, more or less, a carbon copy of Clay Aiken.
[edit] Smeltdown of '79
There are many theories to as to how the actual Smellular Meltdown, or Smeltdown as it more commonly known, was caused. The most commonly accepted goes as follows:
- One of the engineers (presumably Chief Engineer Montgomery Scott), accidently turned the control knob from light to ebony lovin'. Scotty was never scene after the Smeltdown, so no charges could be filed against him. Attempts to "sniff" him out were futile. However, there had to be some punishment given, and to his dismay, some guy was found to be guilty on all charges.
[edit] Less Popular Causes of the Smeltdown of '79
- The PIC at the time was off on a coffee break, and his assistants "forgot" to turn off the generators and change the Pop-Tarts.
- Terrorists sabotaged various key generators, but this theory is frowned upon, except by the government
- Seth Rogen tried to remove one of the pop tarts prematurely. However, this theory is usually discredited, being as Seth Rogen never worked at PTI and is probably unaware of its existence.
- Instead of using Pop-Tarts as fuel, plant employees instead used their own shit in recognition of NSD (National Shit Day). Police have never followed through with any investigations concerning this theory, and they have their reason. The theory was created by Richard Nixon, most likely in attempt to draw attention back his way. However, being as nobody cared about Nixon, the public generally remained unfazed by Nixon's attempt at attention.
- God, in all his power, glory, wisdom, strength, amazingness, raw awesome, foresight, almighty splendor and glory smote PTI and made it look like an accident. Some people discredit this theory, claiming God is a hoax, while others claim he would never do such a thing. The police tried to bring God in for questioning, but they could not get a hold of him.
[edit] Current Attempts To Keep The Project Running
After the Smeltdown of '79, a minor change was made:
The knob that controls how long the Pop-Tart undergoes it's smellular reaction was changed to Michael Jackson circa 2003 through Michael Jackson circa 1975. This now clarifies what exactly the original settings: light, not-as-light, sort-of-light-but-not-as-much, medium, slightly-darker-than-medium-but-not-dark-yet, a-good-tan, roasted-duck, dark, darker, not-quiet-darkest, and ebony lovin' were really meant to represent. In order to make sure that Micheal Jackson circa 2003 is always running smoothly, certain people advocate the use of robots, but the President has decided, for the time, not to do so just in case the revolution occurs like everyone says it will.
Well, as it turns out, not too many people like Pop-Tart Island, due to its effects on World Hunger and its carbon footprint. However, many influential people, such as Oscar Wilde, Jesus, and even God are trying their hardest to keep Pop-Tart Island running.
The owners are possibly planning on moving PTI to an as of yet, undecided location. Their main adversaries for this idea are the inhabitants, but plans are being made to solve this problem.
[edit] PTI's Attempt to Lure A Younger Generation
Shortly before the smeltdown, PTI realized it was losing support, so it attempted to capture the attention of a younger generation. The target ages of this younger generation was 3-10. Of what use this new generation would be eludes researches and scholars to this day.
In order to attract this younger generation, PTI used Poppy the Tart. A cartoon pop tart, Poppy appealed to the problems and troubles of this young generation. For many he served as a role model, as his gentle appearance and massive sword made all those around him feel safe.
Poppy the Tart, with the permission of the PTI President, wrote a book about Pop-Tart Island entitled: "One Million and One Facts about PTI." The book wasn't very successful, since nobody wanted to read about one million and one facts about PTI. The later, abridged version "One Hundred and One Facts about PTI" was a much greater success. Below are the most popular facts found within Poppy's idiot-child of a book:
- Cherry Poptarts have the highest power for their emission level!
- Smores Poptarts were made illegal as a fuel source after the '79 Smeltdown!
- Wildberry Poptarts were made extinct due to their price-to-output ratio!
- Hitler was really a Jew!
- I'm casually chatting with both your mom and your sister right now!
- The older models of Pop Tart Generators where originally designed to be nuclear warheads, but denied by the military as being 'too unethical'!
- The first Poptart flavor was Blueberry, the others were created via selective breeding and genetic mutations.
