Pan's Labyrinth

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"I touch little boys"

“It's about a maze that a frying pan must traverse in order to fry the fabled bacon of immortality, Dan Fulop of the Washjdfsogh Herald gave it a 99% fresh pineapple rating and two thumbs up the director's ass.”

~ Critic-who-must-not-have-a-wiki-page Callum Ellis Jarvis Jones on Pan's Labyrinth

Pan's Labyrinth is the title of an Internet web page that is known, among geeks and other no-lifes, for having inspired a movie by the same name. It's also weird.


Asinine Plot[edit]

Billing itself as a "fairy tale for grownups", Pan's Labyrinth (both the web page and the movie) tell the story of a girl's epic quest to discover her true sexuality.

The girl, Abraham Lincoln, believes herself to be like other girls--that is, she believes that she is attracted to boys because her pregnant mother says, "Boys are magic. One of them did this to me, and, one day, another is likely to do the same to you, by sticking his penis in your ear, butt, and mouth."

Confused Symbolism[edit]

The labyrinth of the title symbolizes the confused maze of thoughts and emotions that Ariadna encounters as, after undergoing a series of misadventures, she realizes that she never wants to be like her mother (pregnant). Instead, she prefers to be herself, even if doing so means that she is attracted to other girls. With this realization, she finds her way out of the maze and encounters Pan, the satyr-god of ancient Greek mythology.

Characters[edit]

  • Ofelia Abraham Lincoln: The movie's protagonist. In the movie she discover's her real nature as the camp lesbian by consulting Pan in a labyrinth. She is also known for her total disdain for fairy tales and being a sadistic little bitch who prefers to sacrifice her litle stepbrother just to achieve the control of Hades. This agressive and mean portrayal of lesbian girls is a somewhat unusual manifestation of homophobia by Guillermo del Toro (the movie's director, who was raped by girls when he was a toddler).
  • Captain Vidal: Ofelia's stepfather and the lider of the fascist movement in Spain. He is a kind and lovable person who loves his stepdaughter a lot, but sadly he is brutally murdered in the end.
  • Pan/Faun/Whatever: The greek god of sex and nature (appearently both things are related somehow), and an avid zoophile and bisexual. He is the one who helps Ofelia discover she's a lesbian, and who offers her the control of Hades (the greek underworld) and the island of Lesbos. He is then horrified when Ofelia brutally murders her own stepbrother and the Dick with Eye Hands, so he politely tells her to fuck herself (ending in his death, proving that anyone can kill a god). He also has little fairies who give him blowjobs.
  • Mercedes: A whore who helps Ofelia in her blood lust (and licks her cunt). She also serves as the murder of Captain Vidal and of pretty much everyone that remained alive until the end.
  • Carmen: Ofelia's mother who is pretty much pregnant. She constantly tries to make her daughter straight or at least bisexual, which angers her so much that Ofelia murders her when she was giving birth to her second baby, by beating her in the head with a glass bottle. Her face got pretty much fucked.
  • The little baby: Carmen's second offspring, murdered by Ofelia. Had he grown he would end up a gay rights activist and had helped his sister, but she was to dumb to realise that. Oh well, at least he found a nice husband in Hades.
  • The Dick with Eye Hands: A walking penis with eyes on his hands that molests little boys. He is pretty much the most useless character in the whole movie, getting killed 10 seconds after his appearence (Ofelia ate two or so grapes, he woke up and she stabbed him in the head with a toothbrush).

Criticism[edit]

Critics have praised both the movie and the web site that it is based on. However, the kindergarten and grade school set at whom the film is aimed generally condemn the movie as "adult propaganda." Grownups, they contend, make such movies to indoctrinate them into accepting homosexuality as an alternate lifestyle. Moreover, they find the plot, in which Ariadne must complete three life-threatening feats to reclaim her realm, much as Hercules had to perform 12 labors to be pardoned for his sin in having killed his wife and children, to be predictable and dull.



“I shit my pants when I saw that dickhead with the hand eyes”

~ Roeper from Ebert and Roeper

Defense Pretense[edit]

The movie's producer, Guillermo ("Caca") del Toro, suggests that the film is too sophisticated for toddlers and grade-school kids, although, he admits, it was this audience that he targeted in making the movie, and that "little children have trouble discerning existential themes. Pan's Labyrinth ain't Disney, after all."