Pantera

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The logo for Pantera, a band of misfits who fight the evil powers that be.
Anselmo, a member of the animal ninja squad known as Pantera, was known to have a sword that possessed the "Eye of Pantera" and "a really wicked haircut" according to Dimebag Darrell... He grew up to become "Anselmo, leader of The Pantera".

Pantera (formerly known as Glamtera) were a merry group of fags, who one day decided to record the sound of there own love making and sell it for money.

History[edit]

After a break of 5 years, the band reformed as "The Band Formerly known as Glamtera" (Or simply TBFKAG in entertainment circles) then after a second breakup they came back as The Band Formerly known as The Band Formerly known as Glamtera (or TBFKATBFKAG)

Then after the third breakup they were called The Band Formerly known as The Band Formerly known as The Band Formerly known as... Does this ever stop? (or TBFKATBFKATBFKADTES? in entertainment circles) and finally, after the 4th breakup (yup, they can't be together for long...) they were called ASH (After Sex Hangover) however, a boy living in another time in another universe and another dimension where yellow creatures with jolted tails and electricity that flows out of their cheeks rule the world sued them for stealing his name. Their name was soon changed to "Pantera" after an Phillipa Anselmo joined the band and insisted that they drop the glam image and start to look like teenagers who were angry at their abusive fathers.

The band is currently inactive but Philip Glamselmo continues working with his 23,000 other side bands. Vinnie Paul owns a record company and Rex is currently working with one of phill's many side projects. It is presumed he owns a golf course somewhere out in the state of Texas. There's evidence of Dimebag working as a guitar player in heaven along with Jimi Hendrix.

Pantera was invited to preform at Woodstock, the band politely refused. The band later regretted the decision and built a time machine to reverse it, but they were arrested by the time police, and raped by apes from the future (Black fellas). The band was the 100,405,460,145,200th one to face The Undertaker in a wrestlemania match but were defeated because the Undertaker went mad about Phillipa taking to much heroin because The Undertaker likes to see pain in the faces of his victims (wedgies!) and Phillipa was to stoned to notice that he was chokeslammed of the cell through an announce table which was on fire with nails on top of the table and with Jerry Lawler lying under the table.

Philip's Battle[edit]

Because of Glamselmo's bad finger he started taking unknown wonder drugs to help with the pain. He was then diagnosed with the almost fatal (to others) disease known as lead singer-itis or Kurt Cobain Syndrome. Symptoms of such A disease include an inability to choose a hairstyle, a feeling of extreme superiority and not being able to recognize a suitable pants size. This battle also included a brief but memorable stint on the hit TV Show Scrubs were Phil played a member of the KKK charged with the rape of Elliot JD Jordan and the Murder of Carla and Turk quite simply cause they were niggers who stole his bike (also refered to as aboriganees).

People Influenced By Pantera[edit]

Ghetto bad ass garage "Wangstas" who are well cool and now on the dole or appearing on every shit celebrity reality show, The So Solid Crew have pantera down as one of there main influences for getting into music. They were quoted saying '"Pantera yeah der well cool init dey is bo!!"' which is probably a good thing. Weisswurste and the Fat German Kid are also influenced by Pantera.

The guitarist from the hellish, death goth, metal band Mc Fly also said, while crying, because the drummer had stolen his favourite stapler (a red Swingline that he had been using for 13 years), '"Dimebag is the raisin i pickede up the banjo."'

Other influences include George W Bush, who said, '"Their music inspired me to start 'The Great Middle Eastern Trend Kill!'"

Chad Kroger from Nickelback has addmitted in the past that Pantera's music has had a major influence on him, "I know I'm a fuckin' pussy but when I heard Pantera, I shit my pants, paid a vietnamese male hooker to ejaculate in my ear and ate the after, It was the inspiration for that Spiderman song I did with that other fag, you can really here the influence". The interveiwer then laughed himself to death while Nocturno Culto pummeld chad to a bloody mess for lying.

Dimebag Darrel's Untimely Demise[edit]

Dimebag "That Other Word That means Spear" Darrel was killed by a certain Nathan Gale, who was Satan's lover, in 8 December 2004. This was because Satan, realizing Dimebag's "zomg u r t3h l33t lol" guitar prowess, he wanted to include Darrel in his band, "Better Than Jesus' Boyband". Dimebag refused because Mommy wouldn't let him, sadly, and Satan was quite angered by this, which affected his performance in bed. Nathan, wanting to enjoy the BDSM he and Satan shared again, killed Dimebag Darrel to please Satan. As Dimebag laid on the floor bleeding, he said the famous phrase, "Oh my fucking God I haven't even reached level 40 in World of Whore Craft!.

Band Members[edit]

  • Phil Anselmo - Side Projects
  • Dimebag Darrell - Ataxia
  • Vinnie Paul - Cheeseburgers
  • Rex Brown - Michael Anthony

Album Discography[edit]

As Glamtera[edit]

  • Metallicly Tragic (1983)
  • Rapes in the Bed (1984)
  • I Am The Fright (1985)
  • Power Tin-Tin (1988)

As Pantera[edit]

  • Cowboys from Hawaii (1990)
  • Vulgar Display of Excrement (1992)
  • A Long Distance Past Driven (1994)
  • The Great Southern Something or Other (1996)
  • Reinventing the Cheese (2001)

Singles[edit]

  • "The Art of Penis Frotting" (Cowboys from Hawaii)
  • "Cowboys from Hawaii" (Cowboys from Hawaii)
  • "Propane Funeral" (A Shitty Tribute to Black Sabbath) (Black Sabbath cover)
  • "Fucking Hostile Towards Your Mom's Asshole" (Vulgar Display of Excrement)
  • "Mouth for Fecal Matter" (Vulgar Display of Excrement)
  • "A New Level of Erectile Dysfunction" (Vulgar Display of Excrement)
  • "This Louvre" (Vulgar Display of Excrement)
  • "Jog at a Brisk Pace" (Vulgar Display of Excrement)
  • "5 Minutes Alone (Turning Japanese)" (A Long Distance Past Driven)
  • "I'm Broken Down on the Freeway Heading Out of New Orleans" (A Long Distance Past Driven)
  • "Criminally Insane" (Reign In Poo: A Tribute to Kerry King, with my lips pressed gently over his balls) (Slayer cover)
  • "Trailer Trash Planet" (A Long Distance Past Driven) (Black Sabbath cover)
  • "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" (The Great Southern Something or Other)
  • "Phil-O is My Name-O" (Reinventing the Cheese)
  • "Anyone Have Any Cocaine?" (Advance single from upcoming album, available on iTunes)
  • "Smack Dat Bitch" (unreleased, unearthed song from the Vulgar Display of Excrement sessions ft. the ghost of Dimebag Darrell)