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Papanui, also known as “Crapanui”, is a suburb of Christchurch, New Zealand. It is known for its diverse culture, beautiful scenery and drug markets.


Papanui started off as simply a pyramid scheme by a young bloke simply named Walker.

It grew however, as more and more suckers were pulled into the false returns that it offered. Eventually out of nothing but a bit of sheer accounting genius the Corporation known today as Exxon was born.

That is the history of the domestication of the Oak Tree.

Papanui’s most amazing event occurred when the suburb was selected to host the 1957 Hermaphrodite Olympics. The boost to the local economy was enormous, with sales of cucumbers and women’s makeup going through the roof. Other benefits included the construction of a state of the art Hermaphrodite toilet. The toilet, over 400metres in diameter can accommodate over 300 Hermaphrodites at a time. It was once considered one of the Hermaphrodite wonders of the world, until the construction of the Melbourne Cricket Ground knocked it off its throne, so to speak.

In 1987 disaster struck Papanui, a trolley bus carrying what were believed to be Elderly people spun off the road and hit a truck carrying timber Wolves. All the oldies were eaten, as rescue crews looked on, puzzled at the somewhat humorous sight that they beheld. Sadly, one timber wolf, called Jessie, had to be put down as she choked on Mrs. Smith’s left arm. Since that incident old people have been banned from Papanui altogether.


Papanui boasts a diverse culture; sights to behold include the Johnson Centre for Erectile Dysfunction, the Museum of Tractor Parts and the local pub, known as “Barry’s Pisser”. There is also New Zealand’s largest collection of sheep pornography held in the Papanui Library, with such favorites as: Love down Under, Pete’s got ewe babe, and the perennial classic; Mary had a little “lamb”.

Also, when in Papanui do try and check out the shopping mall. It caused a local recession!


Papanui is home to the infamous Papanui High School, the only school in the Southern Hemisphere that offers up to a level three certificate in Drug Pushing and Cannabis growing. Papanui High School also won the Prestigious, “Blot on Society” award in 2004 also. An estimated 4% of Papanui’s residents are believed to be Literate, higher than Aranui but less than Somalia. This said, over five quarters of students pass NCEA

A typical plant biology project at Papanui.

  • NCEA is an aggronym for Num-nuts Can Eventually Achieve (a common misconception is that it stands for National Certificate of Educational Achievement).

Recently, NCEA has been referred to in the media with a variety of equally endearing nicknames, the most common being 'failure', which is closely followed by 'miserable failure'

The Future of Papanui[edit]

Huh? Oh you said “Future of Papanui?’ Well, there isn’t really one. But some day scientologists say that the earth will explode and the sun will steal our souls. I guess that this also applies to Papanui.

although many believe the above about papanui, not many people know chuck norris is the the high ruler of the kingdom of papanui and it is where he first made love to a school boy named Fletcher Von Guionneau. His school boy lover and him have had many wonderful contributions to the ugly people of Papanui namely Southlands mall(right next door to papanui high school).Over 6 million acres of land were takin from the school to build this complety useless mall but the school was able to shift its shop lifting class directly to the mall as well as its car conversion class to the car park. Chuck and his schoolboy lover were able however able to help the the ecology of papanui by creating a huge corn filled shit filtering system through injecting raw sewage up the arse of local residents and allowing the gaps in there inbreed teeth to collect the corn the corn is then recycled and sold for $8 trillion per 1kg bag at Southlands mall. All in all Papanui is wonderful place to be sick in.