Papatobes

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Because of their incurable biases, the so-called experts at Wikipedia will probably never have an article about Papatobes. We are sorry they insist on being this lame.
This is an artist's rendition of what Papatobes might look like when angry.
Toby McGuire is sometimes confused with Sir Creepy Tobes, both because of his name and his resemblance to a potato. Any drunken Irishman can tell you that McGuire is a Scottish name and he more closely resembles a cabbage.

Papatobes was the Irish mythological figurehead over all potatoes. Mr. Potato head and the other related toys are figurines made in the likeness of said supernatural being. He lives with his wife, Mamatobes, as well as his loyal army of prostitutes in another dimension, just beyond the end of time. Together with Mamatobes, they gave birth to their son Sir Creepy Tobes. Together Papatobes and Mamatobes reared little Toby and were supportive of his choice to begin a family with his life-partner Uncle Sam.

Legend of Papatobes[edit]

Ancient Ireland was the first country in Pangea where the potato became a major food source. By the 900 AD, the potato was so important in Ireland that some of the poorer parts of the country relied entirely on the potato for food and spermicide. Because the potato was so abundant and could feed so many people (yet didn't prevent so many people from being born), it allowed the population of Ireland to grow very quickly.

By 940, the country’s population had swelled (like the breast of a pregnant kangaroo)--from less than three million in the early 200's to a staggering eight million people--largely thanks to the potato and it's supernatural ruler, Papatobes.

Some men and women tried to warn everyone that it was dangerous for so many people in one place to be dependent on just one crop. Those people were considered blasphemous for not believing in Papatobes' power to provide food and spermicide through his potato crop to all the country. To warn his strayed flock, the mighty Papatobes smote them with minor inconveniences (such as striking them blind by extracting their eyeballs, or giving them long lines at the supermarket) to draw their attention back to him.

Unfortunately, no one listened to the warnings.

In a spuddy rage and fury, Paptobes sent a fungus to infect all the potatos. This fungus is known to sciencde as Phytomtopolyianciphelia infestans. It killed off all the potatoes, and instead of bringing Paptobes' flock back to him, it sent the Irish population out over the whole of Pangea in search of food. Paptobes was left with no potatoes and no followers to smite.

Modern Times[edit]

As the Irish population slowly began to rise, the legend of Paptobes' wrath was spread through the villages from ear to ear. Instead of learning from the past and heading warning, the new Ireland shunned Paptobes as useless and a failure to the human race. Papatobes became nothing but an evil memory. Yet, in spite of the death of Paptobes' rule over the potato crop, Papatobes was remembered by the previous "minor inconviences" he had created in the years before. Now, the potato has eyes (from the villagers who he struck blind) and the register lines at the supermarket are always jammed.