Paperclip Jesus

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My Savio(u)r
Paperclip Jesus
Paperclip Jesus
Papacy began Judgement Day, (November 8, 2000)
Papacy ended The One and Only
Predecessor Jesus Fucking Christ
Born April 3, 1993
Salutation Holy Shit

Paperclip Jesus is the name of the Holy Shit, or leader, of the religion of 'Office Supply-ism'. Since he's way too busy trying to get chicks, he tells the Fed-Ex Pope what to tell the people. The Fed-Ex Pope always forgets, so he makes something up. One night, after drinking holy water and snorting Holy Coke off of your mom, they came up with the Office Supply-ism Bible, a book made from the lyrics of "The Ultimate Showdown of Ultimate Destiny" and Microsoft Excel spreadsheets.

Early Life[edit]

Paperclip Jesus was born in the back of a truck in a cornfield in Ohio to a crack whore and her pimp who got free rides. The boy was named after a favourite quote of the pimp, "JESUS! NOT ANOTHER KID!". As soon as Jesus was old enough to work, he began earning money by doing random odd jobs for his father, which included cleaning the dried blood from his mother's face after a long night of drinking.

After growing tired of spending $2 a week keeping the child alive, the pimp swiftly kicked the child out of a car going 85 mph into a mailbox and drove off. Young Jesus eventually found his way to Ireland where he befriended Oscar Wilde who taught him the meaning of life, the Universe, and everything. Unfortunately, Jesus was too stupid to remember it and quickly forgot, looking at Wilde's perfect body.

After a quick trip to Wilde's condo at Brokeback Mountain (later made into a novel and film for which Wilde nor Jesus received credit), the two went their separate ways, Wilde becoming God and Jesus bumming around London for change.

Rise to Power[edit]

While in London, he came across a paperclip on the street who became his very best friend he loved so huggy-buggy-much and began collecting the damn things (the first paperclip died of lung cancer in 1996) and fashioned himself a nice crown and became known as "the Jesus of Paperclips", later shortened to 'Paperclip Jesus'.

After buying a robe to keep paperclips and drugs in, he took hopped (literally) onto a plane bound for New York City in the hopes of acquiring new paperclips. After being viciously mugged of everything but his crown, robe, undershirt, boxer-briefs, and sandals-with-socks, he ran into a fellow dressed much like him named Opera Noodlemantra, who later became known as the Fed-Ex Pope of 'Office Supply-ism'.

After a night of drinking and dirty sex, the two came to realize that they should start a religion. After obtaining several followers (most of which were paid), they began calling themselves "Paperclip Jesus" and "The Fed-Ex Pope".

Paperclip Jesus' Position on the Holy Flow Chart[edit]

Paperclip Jesus


The Fed-Ex Pope


Oscar Wilde


Janitor Man (lost a bet)






A Pimp Named Slickback


Tila Tequila (the Whore of Babylon)


Your Mom

Later life[edit]

About 2 months after the creation of "Office Supplyism", Paperclip Jesus met Janitor Man in a bar shortly after the death of JD which Janitor Man was celebrating with booze and hookers. After drinking and getting laid, they received an urgent call from the Fed-Ex Pope, claiming a giant monster made of staples was attacking Florida. After wanting to initially ignore it, the Fed-Ex Pope sent them a can of Whoop-ass and made them. Janitor Man and Paperclip Jesus defeated the Stapler Devil, but destroyed all of Al Gore's presential votes in the process, and began the Apocalypse, also referred to as Dubya's first term of office.

After returning to New York City, Janitor Man was made the First Lord of Awesomeness of Office Supplyism. He tried to get out of the group, but unfortunately during their night of drinking, Paperclip Jesus bought Janitor Man's soul for a half-eaten corn dog. His first order of business was to execute Paris Hilton, but he tries were effortless and were later released on DVD as "One Night In Paris.

A new threat soon appeared on the horizon: the jammed fax machine from 'Office Space'. Given immortality and life by the Order of the Stapler Devil, he was christened the biggest treat to Office Supplyism, and became in league with the Super Devil, Doctor Octogonapus, Lex Luthor, and the Legion of Doom.

See also[edit]