Paramedic
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“Thank God. It's a Paramedic and not a nurse. ”
~ Oscar Wilde on On it being a Paramedic and NOT a nurse. If you do see a nurse in an emergency, start crawling away.
So you've just hurt yourself. Chances are, your leg is hanging by a skin tag, or you've managed to impale the sexual object you've used inside of your rectum. (See Mr. Hands for more information on this topic). Blood is squrting everywhere. Fear not citizen! Help is as close as your local 911 office! And while you wait, why not order a Pizza, too. In most cities, they'll get there at exactly the same time. Ambulances will usually bring help, in the form of your local EMT and Paramedic. The sight of an Ambulance is usually a cause for the Grim Reaper to shit himself, and they have been known to kick the fates in the balls, all the while saving your ass from it's drunken stupor after you take out a family in a Mini-van on I-40.
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[edit] Paramedic Training
Paramedics are usually trained for months on complex medical conditions, how to save lives, and how to generally be kick-ass in the face of death and destruction. But, you quickly learn that all that is useless! After all, all anyone uses 911 for is a taxi cab because their big toe is swollen, or they haven't washed their ass in three weeks and they have a nice case of MRSA down there. Your local nursing home is a great place for the Paramedic to practice his wares. RNs in Nursing Homes love to assist the deaths of their patients by doing stupid things like TURNING DOWN THEIR OXYGEN when they are in distress, and giving them the WRONG MEDICATIONS, but that's just what nurses are good for.
The usual topics of training include:
- Oh shit, he's got an arm off!
- Is that brain matter, or are you just happy to see me.
- You stuck what, where?
- Remember, IV bags don't leave bruises.
- Assholes and you: Dealing with your friendly neighborhood State Trooper
- Where's the Morphine, and how do I use it to shut you up
- Old People 101: What's that Smell
- 1001 Innovative things to do with Splints
- Saving people from RNs.
- Clipboards - They're not just for hitting people with.
- Fun with the Defibrilator - You can shoot arcs like Palpatine!
- Life Support: Blood goes round and round, air goes in and out. Any variation of this is a bad thing.
- All bleeding stops eventually.
- It's ok, let that diabetic eat a jelly roll. His sugar can go higher than 1400!
- It is only a flesh wound.
- O2 therapy for defence "I only applied O2 to the Face."( Yes it was the whole tank.)
[edit] Dealing with a Paramedic
It's highly suggested that you don't piss a paramedic off. Remember, anyone who can kill you, and bring you back only to do it again isn't a good idea to make mad. Unless you're a dumbass. Problem patients are usually delt with by:
- Using the largest IV you can find. And starting them in the Penis is fair game, atleast to Army Paramedics.
- IV Bags don't leave bruises. Neither do Cold Packs.
- You'll be the cream filling, and we'll have a spine board sandwich with the fattest Firefighter we can find sitting on top of you.
- Oxygen tanks make a ding sound when impacting the human cranium. This has been tested in Memphis, and is of great use against a knife wielding patient.
- Ammonia Inhalants inside of the Oxygen mask. Oh yes.
- Morphine and Demerol, when pushed fast without Phenergan, cause intractable vomiting, and loss of bowel control. Yes, you will shit yourself.
- 8 D cell Mag flash lights are not just for checking pupils.
- Cold packs in the groin area seem to cool off hot heads.
[edit] MacGuyver Medicine
This is the brand of Medicine that the Paramedic practices. Due to his superiors being too damn cheap to provide him with the adequate equipment needed to care for his patients, he is the master of improvisation. All he needs to save a life is a BIC pen, a wad of duct tape, and a mother-fucking condom, people.
