Paris

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A Parisian

“We'll always have Paris. But then again, that means we'll always have a lot of French people.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Paris

“We walked in backwards and told them we were leaving”

~ The Nazis on invading Paris

Tromsø of The South, or Paris as it also is called, is a city in France. Most people agree that Paris smells strongly of cheese and French people^[1]. Ironically, the language predominantly spoken in Paris is French.(This claim is yet to be proved)

Paris is home to some of the rudest children in the world, unsurpassed only by the little buggers in Winnipeg.

Paris contains a large phallus-shaped^[2] object called the Eiffel Tower^[3]. The buildings in Paris are mostly constructed of baguettes and cheese.

All Parisians are required by law to smell of cheese and garlic, and carry a baguette at all times. Baguettes are also used for self-defense as quarterstaffs in tight situations.

Paris is supposed to be the most beatiful city in the world. Just don't visit the worst 2/3rds of it and the vast suburbs surrounding it as they are amongst the shitiest areas in the world.

City flag of Paris

[edit] Little Known Facts About Paris

The Beatles, visiting their hometown of Paris

• Shhhh! It seems Princess Di died here but keep it quiet.
• There is a human being named Paris who is not Paris Hilton.
• The town of Jérome Rothen.
• The current mayor of Paris is Mona Lisa.
• Paris was constructed by the known heretic Bob The Builder after a few rounds at the pub^[4].
• French is the national language, except among the people who cannot speak it, but they are ignored and therefore don't count.
• The entire population has no sense of smell due to the toilets, cheese, and garlic, as well as from all the poo made by the all little dogs who spend most of their lives in an old lady's handbag.
• Parisians pride themselves on ignoring all tourists.
• The Eiffel Tower was constructed almost entirely out of plastic. The plastic melted, so it is now made of pwnage.
• Ironically the only triumph that has occurred at la Arc De Triumph was celebrated by a small Austrian man with curious facial hair.
• Paris's airports are named both Paris-Charles de Gallbladder and Paris-O RLY? Intl.
• In 1978, Paris surrendered to itself thus creating a gap in the fabric of time
• Paris is twinned with Stockport, in some sort of international homosexual relationship.
• Paris was once known as France's Hackney, for some inexplicable reason.
• All prices in the cafés of Paris are subject to a 500% tourist surcharge.
• this is were Chris Cawthra was beaten to his death after destroying Mr. Brine.
• The Parisians hold a special affection for Americans, even more so than for the English^[5].
• All works of art in the Louvre are actually fake. The real ones were sold to pay for the Eiffel Tower and Euro Disney.
• Paris is considered to be the world's most romantic^[6] and seizable city.
• London is inside of paris.
• The Paris Hilton film ONe night in Paris was filmed in Paris and is their best film to date.
• Paris is always being attacked by giant monsters. First it was Mothra in 1968, then some giant bat in 1998 (30 years later! Coincidence? I think not! It was those Klingon buttheads!) and then a monster praying mantis in late 2004 (it was after Tony Parker). In 2008, Rodan, Mothra, Godzilla and Gamera all plan to take on Jean Reno alone. Today Paris, tomorrow the world! What a bunch of commies.
• Oscar Wilde died here...
• It's crap.
• And Eric in Mr. Brine's grade 10 geography class smells
• Paris it the only capital in Europe that begins with a P, has an R and I in there somewhere and ends with a S. Apart from Pissers.
• There is a secret tunnel at the top of the Eiffel Tower which leads to France.
• Literally 500 people try to have sex with Paris every year. But of course everyone knows it is impossible to penetrate a fictional city from a book.
• Paris is also a large mammal that lives in a little known prison in the East Midlands. This is not the same Paris as mentioned in the bullet point above

[edit] History

Paris was founded in 1396 by Paris Hilton, who was also the city's first mayor, holding the missionary position for 12 years (just imagine the number of men who passed through her in this time).. The Eiffel Tower was commissioned by Hilton in 1399, and for over 200 years it was the world's largest phallic-shaped object. Hilton later gave the city to Jimbo Wales. Wales thought that Paris sucked, and promptly gave it to Mona Lisa. Lisa has been the mayor ever since. In 2007, Paris voted against the instauration of Royal power (Segolène Royal), that's why the city pretends still to be a democracy and not a monarchy.

[edit] Animals

Paris is world famous for its unique rat population.[1] Recent statistics indicates a population of about 10 billions of rats in Paris. The french rats (attention: the pronounciation is "ra") are one of the most delicious meals you can find in paris; connoisseurs says that they are even more en vogue than frog-sheep or slugs and snails.

[edit] Cultural Highlights

Official "Shitty of lights" postcard.

The French surrender to anything, including adorable monkeys.

The main cultural highlight of Paris is Dan Brown's Da VINCI CODE. This history book retraces the history of the Louvre, a public building built in the early 90th as a copy of the "Sans-Souci-castle" in Potsdam (Germany). Tourists can buy a daily ticket in the Louvre and try to find the key that is described in the book. There is also a church in which the famous historian Brown found some interesting things about the history of Paris.

Many visitors to Paris immediately rush to see the arc de triumph. Then, having worked their way past the hordes of Nigerians attempting to sell machetes, chainsaws, and other such items, they can make your way to the top of the Eiffel Tower to see where James Bond fought May Day. Tourists (particularly the sadistic ones) spit off the top to find out if it really does hurt someone below, or at least piss someone off^[7].

Alternatively, tourists may wish to visit the Louvre and see the Mona Lisa and some of the other, unimportant paintings.

There are many other artistic centers such as The Pompidou which still haven't been finished. Thus, potential visitors must beware of French builders hanging off the scaffolding attempting to wolf-whistle and discuss existentialism.

There are many mimes in Paris, but tourists usually do not let this spoil their enjoyment of the wonderful^[8] city. Mime hunting is entirely legal in Paris and usually, there is no paperwork to be filled out.

On every second Sunday there is public guillotining, but a prospective viewer must book in advance, as room is scarce. It is advisable to bring a basket or some hand sanitizer.

[edit] Fashion in Paris

Parisians slavishly follow all of the latest trends and guillotine those who are not similarly attired. As all French women are incredibly thin due to the Gauloise cigarettes they continuously smoke, this makes buying Parisian fashion beyond the reach of most people^[9].

Due to the frequency of fashion shows in Paris, there are no longer individual opening nights, but rather one opening night that has lasted for 32 years, making it the longest continuous party in the world^[10]. A quarter of all champagne produced annually goes to Paris, which also means that most Parisians are continuously drunk^[11].

[edit] Parisian Etiquette

Parisian etiquette is legendary across the Civilised World, and also Africa. All communication attempts with a Parisian should be conducted in a clear, loud voice. Should this fail, then it is advisable to raise one's voice or purchase a bullhorn from one of the many Nigerians who will still be following a tourist about. Spitting in the street is also considered to be essential^[12] unless you are speaking directly to a Parisian then it's considered rude not to. To blend in, one should purchase a beret, a string of onions, a bicycle and a black and white hooped t-shirt.

Parisians are well renowned for being friendly, warm and welcoming to those who visit their city. They love nothing more than being able to converse with an American or Englishman, preferably about art or cuisine, although atomic testing in the Pacific is also considered polite conversation. Extinguishing a Parisian's ever present cigarette is also sure to endear one to the residents of Paris as is merely looking at someone on the Metro...or breathing.

It is also advisable to speak to the French in the French language. Although sometimes due to a wide-spread bacterial infection (caused by eating too much garlic) that is currently spreading viciously in the Capital (affecting now almost 80% of the population) it can often render the Frenchman unable to understand his own language, this momentary memory-loss causes anger and frustration, which often triggers an onset of tourettes. However, it is a medical mystery how suffers of garlic poisoning seem to converse with each other in French at ease. There have been News reports of garlic poisoning spreading to Britain, rendering the actor Simon Pegg temporarily unable to speak English. ^[13]

[edit] Useful Phrases to Know

• TA GUEULE!!!! (Hi! You're a nice person to know)
• Baisez-ça pour une alouette (fuck that for a lark)
• suce ma bite salope
• Yaitze houi, je m'appelle Brorge. J'aime manger mon ordinateur et le chien de ma piscine n'a pas de canne a pêche.
• Est-ce qu'il y a une place sans rats par ici? (Is there a place without rats around here?)
• Coude you pleez indeecate le toilette plese?
• Est-ce que il possible d'aller prendre une merde?
• Où est the hôtel de ville? (Where is the hotel of the city?)
• Garce, je suis Paris Hilton, ta mère.
• Indiquez la chambre putain de merde!
• Fetchez la vache. (Fetches the cow.)
• Ménage a trois. (beware Bum Bandits!)
• Tu sais, je fais le tapin le samedi.
• J' poo avwar un cheez-burger?
• Je suis un idiot américain. (I am an American citizen.)
• Veuillez me frapper avec votre baguette.
• J'ai besoin de vous enculer tout de suite.
• Votre pays craint et vous sentez la merde.
• Je voudrais une pomme, s'il vous plait.
• En Russie soviétique, les personnes françaises se foutent de TOI!!!!!!
• Voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir? (Would you sleep with me tonight?)
• Où se trouve une bonne pute dans cette ville? (Where can one find a good whore in this city?)
• Je m'appele Inigo Montoya. Vous avez tué mon pére. Preparez-vous à mourir.
• Laisse-moi te montrer mes Pokémons!!1!!un!!
• Le chat du plafond te regarde quand tu masturbes.
• Je m' appelle Madeline McCann.
• Je suis le gare au tennis?
• Tu a un spatula? (You have a spatula?)
• J m'appelle mon stylo.

[edit] Transport system

Paris is famous for its efficient transport system. A highly modern organisations allows to anticipate traffic jams and enables the population to go on strike without blocking the circulation. Whenever there is the slightest possibility that there could be too many cars on the roads, the metro with its famour, particularly strike-resistent functionaries is always working by going.

[edit] Future of Paris

Le Corbusier, a famous architect known for his warm, soft desing, recently published plans for some architectural modernisations in Paris. [2]

[edit] Things to Bring to Paris

A High-Speed French train after arriving in Paris

There are multiple objects which should be brought in a suitcase on a vacation to Paris. There things include, but are not limited to:

• Pants
• Disinfectant
• Pesticide
• Beret
• US Military HAZMAT suit
• Gas mask (US Military Grade Model 2661-A preferable)
• Samuel L. Jackson, in case them snakes are on that motherfuckin plane
• It ish aladvisable to bring a large offering of wine, as it ish conshidered in insult nottobe drunk w'en mooting piblic offishels.[hic]
• A razer to shave those hairy bitches arm pits
• Deoderant
• A nuclear bomb (the dirtier the better)

[edit] Notes

1. ↑ Nobody really knows what a French person smells like, but it is generally agreed to be bad.
2. ↑ If your phallus is actually shaped like the Eiffel Tower, you should probably see a doctor about that.
3. ↑ As in "French people smell Eiffel".
4. ↑ Obviously more than a few, as he thought it was a good idea to construct buildings made of cheese and bread.
5. ↑ Pause, not.
6. ↑ Slightly behind Disney World and the current residence of Me.
7. ↑ If it does hit someone, there's a 93% chance that it's a Parisian. A 7% chance of hitting an innocent tourist is a risk most people are willing to take in order to hit the French.
8. ↑ Again, pause... not.
9. ↑ Especially your typical American tourist, whom they charge by the metric yard
10. ↑ The cows have yet to come home.
11. ↑ Which would explain a lot.
12. ↑ but without hitting anyone, as this is considered the height of bad manners
13. ↑ Eye Witness Report of garlic poisoning in Britain

[edit] See also

• France
• Paris Hilton
• Montmartre
• The Great Underpant Loss of 1943
• Beret
• Cheese
• Baguette
• Eiffel Tower
• Samuel L. Jackson
• Royale with cheese and Le big mac
• Surrender

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