Park Whore

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Thumb ez - 33rd Arch-Duke of Singapore, World Record holding rail-balancer.

What is Park Whore?[edit]

Park Whore (pron. IPA /paʁ.'kuʁ/, often abreviated to PK) is going Bat Fuck Insane and flipping out. ?

History of Park Whore[edit]

In a 12th Century duel between Oscar Wilde and Your Mom a small, vile creature (similar to a toad) was spawned from a Black Hole as the result of a particularly violent sword clash. This creature spent most of its time in big public spaces, selling its body to pay for its £200-a-day crack habit, thus it's name was born. During the Black Death, when trade became scarce and the crack talcum powder, the Park-whore went into hibernation, and didn't wake up until the beginning of the 20th century. In 1902, an erruption near the town St. Pierre woke up the Park Whore, who promtly bit a young gay sailor called George Horny, making him irritable. Horny then went Bat Fuck Insane and proceeded to flip out. Whilst hallucinating, Horny unfortunately stamped on the Park Whore, and a booming voice (either God or Microsoft Narrator - to this date no-one has been able to assertain which) called out 'Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Paaaaaaaark Whooooooooooore'.

As God/Microsoft narrator spake, thus did George, who ran around screaming his fucking top off, flipping out and stabbing 'Park Whore' into peoples faces. Understandable scaring the shit out of them, they panicked and ran away, and several people were killed in the resulting stampede. Several hundred people were so fucking scared they managed to run a marathon away from the town, and escaped the erruption. When the authorities asked them how they had managed to get away, they all said (with a terrified look in their eyes) that it was because of George Horny and his Park Whore.

Suitably impressed by Horny's ability to apparently co-ordinate the rescue of hundreds of people, the French government appointed him the role of Her Majestys Royal Keeper of the Park Whore and presented him with a smiley face badge for his efforts. After he died in 1957, it was thought the art of Park Whore had been lost. 30 years later, on the anniversary of the St. Pierre erruption, the frenchies Dave Bellend and Sebastien Fuckon were harvesting their latest crop and getting pretty baked, when George Horny appeared to them by a Godly apparition and told them of the Park Whore.

Bellend and Fuckon then proceeded to go Bat Fuck Insane and Flip Out, and noticed that wherever they flipped out they left a trace of the smell of green, and so called themselves tracers. Realising how much money there was to be made with Park Whore, Sebastien moved to the UK and changed his name to EZ, a much easier name to write and spell and also to address cheques to. He then starred in the 1927 hit silent movies 'Jump London' and 'Jump Britain', filmed in digital. The films inspired millions of people to go Bat Fuck Insane and Flip Out, and thus the modern craze of Park Whore was brought to the world.

Thanks to t3h internets, many young, impressionable fans of the art have been able to get in touch with middle aged men such as the legendary ez, widely renound as the world's greatest tracer and founder of park whore, and the infamous balance beam to Leap of Faith Ankle Breaker. Another thing about Park Whore that attracts many people is its culture is deeply rooted in competition. Regular competiton days are set up around the UK for tracers to compete in. One major upset was that of Blue and John Kerr beating the legendary Sebastien Fuckon into the floor with their epid three way dual of front handspring tingz. As the community is so competitive Seb was outlawed into a colony of renegade fairy cakes, and pigged out until lost his perfect chiseled chocolate stature....*noes*

How do I do Park Whore?[edit]

In order to do park whore, or become a tracer, you must be able to roll a three skin perfectly, whilst doing all the main tricks as shown here - Urban FreeFlow. If you can't do all of these tricks you are not a tracer. You must also be able to do them exactly how Bam and ez do them, or it's not park whore.

The exception to this rule are the actual members of Urban Free Flow; the team were granted their mystical ankle-grab abilities by a small, ill tempered tramp in Southbank who required EZ's service to help sell roasted out of date chesnuts. EZ on the other hand learned his ankle grabbing technique from the intense pain he felt when breaking them both on the Leap of Faith.

Equipment[edit]

Before starting Park whore, 5 pairs of trainers and a special park whore hat must be purchased (visit your local footlocker). Remember, without a suitable hat you may not take part in parkour and shall be cast out from the community. The most well known villain, the one man who NEVER wore a hat, is Mitzey, a gaylord from Bristol. Pictures were posted on urbanfreeflow (park whore central of the internet) and he was tracked down and forced to wear a hat. Having visited the local footlocker, they came back and forced Mitzey to wear this hat. Sadly, he refused and simply pulled up his favourite pink socks, and flipped into the distance. Of course they couldn't catch up as none of them could actually do the tricks shown on urbanfreeflow perfectly.

Livevsmitzey.jpg

Diet[edit]

Practicioners of PK follow a strict diet.

This consists of Breakfast: 1 boiled eggy with 12 and a half soldiers. 3 glasses of chilled tropical fruit juice drink. 3/5's of an apple.

Brunch: 125ml of EZ's own brand Sperm. (Only available via the Urban Free Flow site with purchase of the Glyph T Shirt)

Lunch: Meat salad, (Bacon, leaves, mini frankfurters ;) and scotch eggs - optional ketchup dressing) 1/2 a glass of Sainsburies-own brand apple juice. This diet gives them the proteens and carpohydrates needed to sustain an altitude of 3 stories at all times. It is an unwritten law that if you aren't on rooves you don't do park whore.


Varients of this include the M2 Diet, which its the key for anyone wishing to remove Spam from their diet. Results from several people tested provide conclusive proof of its effectiveness, including the well known EmyG1, who with the help of friend Barbie Runner managed to cut her spamming by up to 100%. Their banning may have also affected results.