Parkway North High School

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Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about Parkway North High School. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.
This inspirational poster is incorrect. You can inherit success. Just ask Silicon Valley "pioneer" Steve Ballmer.
Always in our hearts, the Chief Warden, chastising the entire senior class for TP-ing her house.
The smoking lounge.
This circuit breaker panel controls the Chief Warden's hot tub. Follow the messy handwriting: "DO NOT TURN OFF."
The prison's computer science program mainly consists of sweat-inducing Tetris face-offs.
The Chief of Public Relations for PNHS is a very affable man. However, he is completely animatronic.
Oxycodone is the Official Drug of Maryland Heights because it reminds teens of their favorite show, The OC, since it comes imprinted with "OC" on one side.
All North football players are known colloqually as "Vikings" or "Vikes." And the crowd likes to throw out programs.
All of the prohibited "gang colors."


Parkway North High School is a prison located in suburban St. Louis County, Missouri, United States of America, North America, Western Hemisphere, Earth, Milky Way, Universe. As of 1987, PNHS has been accredited...with DISTINCTION (see What "Accredited...with DISTINCTION" means).

The principal is L. Ron Hubbard, who may or may not be a monkey. The vice principals are all lynxes.

20/20 and Dateline both have done Emmy-winning pieces on the strangely ominous conditions inside the prison. Amnesty International can't do anything, though, because it is a liberal organization filled with flip-floppers and draft dodgers.

"Attire of a Northwest Player, The" by Chief Warden[edit]

The Chief Warden has secretly written a catchy rap song on the subject of SkyPagers:

   I'm rollin' like a Playboy, beep, beep, beep
   Just another page, just another freak
   Cops say I'm bangin', girls say I'm slangin'
   Just cause my black Cross Courts be hangin'
   Ah huh, that's it, baby
   Beep diddy beep, will I call you, maybe
   Sky Pager looks like a Phaser
   That's the Attire of a Northwest Player
   San Jose, I got a show
   Chillin' like a champ with a girl in a limo
   There we go again, I got a beep
   The girl got nosy beggin' for a peep
   Get off me girl, this is business
   I'm workin' it and you can't witness
   A Oakland skeeso, how do I know
   Cause 415 was the area code
   Turn it off, turn it on, so I won't get busted
   You know rap stars never get trusted
   Baby wanna get, so I put it on vibrate.

Architecture[edit]

The prison has been noted by the Department of Buildings We Probably Won't Bulldoze For A Wal-Mart by the Missouri Department of Wal-Mart. Its registry number is 5602936902360923869032. Square footage of the entire campus is 2.2 milion square feet (194 hA/591 A) of orange carpeting. It was designed as a precursor of the Seattle Space Thimble and its exterior is made completely out of Gore-tex.

Asbestos[edit]

When the U.S. Senate was cleaned of asbestos in 1971, all of it was trucked to Parkway North where it now sits. "It's the best fire retardant our money can buy," L. Ron Hubbard said. "That is what the little lizard in my appendix said to me before I was taken in the spaceship with the bright xenon lights and AARGH! HERE THEY COME AGAIN! SCIENTOLOGY IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF TOM CRUZE!!!! NO!!!! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Childhood obesity, efforts to curb[edit]

To curb the damaging and deadly epidemic of childhood obesity, the Parkway Prison District in association with the Coca-Cola Company and Little Ms. Fatty Cupcake Corporation have partnered together to introduce the "All You Can Eat Guilt-Free Snack Cake Lard-Infused Pak" (TM). This "Pak" (TM) is provided to all students free of charge to help boost their self esteem and redefine society's standard of beauty so that Fatty's feelings aren't sagged like the tires of his used Kia Sorento. The Surgeon General has warned that consumption of the "Pak" (TM) may cause sudden spontaneous combustion.

Curriculum[edit]

The curriculum consists of:

• Learning about the history of state-mandated testing

• Learning how to do state-mandated testing

• Doing poorly on state-mandated testing

• Learning how to read the results of state-mandated testing

• Glossing over To Kill a Mockingbird

Sophomores are also legally obligated to take a sexual education class entitled: "Students That Have Sex Before 50 Will Burn In Hell," taught by the Most Reverend Pat Robertson. In the class, students learn about herpes simplex II and impure thoughts. They also learn that Pat Robertson now takes American Express.

Damn Adler[edit]

Damn Adler, born 1990 to Frank and Francine Adleroni, suffers from Asperger's syndrome. This syndrome is characterized as one of the five pervasive developmental disorders, and is commonly referred to as a form of high-functioning autism. In very broad terms, individuals with Asperger's have normal or above average intellectual capacity, and atypical or less well developed social skills, often with emotional/social development or integration happening later than usual as a result. People with Asperger syndrome often are noted for having a highly pedantic way of speaking, using language far more formal and structured than the situation normally would be thought to call for. A five-year-old child with this condition may regularly speak in language that could easily have come from a university textbook, especially on her or his special area of interest. Literal interpretation is another common but not universal hallmark of this condition. Attwood gives the example of a girl with Asperger syndrome who answered the telephone one day and was asked "Is Paul there?". Although the Paul in question was in the house, he was not in the room with her, so after looking around to ascertain this, she simply said "no" and hung up. The person on the other end had to call back and explain to her that he meant for her to find him and get him to pick up the telephone (Attwood, 78). Many people with Asperger syndrome also make idiosyncratic use of words, including new coinages and unusual juxtapositions. This can develop into a rare gift for humor (especially puns, wordplay, doggerel, satire) or writing. Another potential source of humor is the eventual realization that their literal interpretations can be used to amuse others. Some are so proficient with written language as to qualify as hyperlexic. Tony Attwood refers to a particular child's skill at inventing expressions, e.g. "tidying down" (the opposite of tidying up) or "broken" (when referring to a baby brother who cannot walk or talk) (Attwood, 82). Asperger syndrome is defined in section 299.80 of the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-IV) as Qualitative impairment in social interaction, as manifested by at least two of the following: Marked impairments in the use of multiple nonverbal behaviors such as eye-to-eye gaze, facial expression, body posture, and gestures to regulate social interaction. Failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level. A lack of spontaneous seeking to share enjoyment, interest or achievements with other people (e.g., by a lack of showing, bringing, or pointing out objects of interest to other people). A lack of social or emotional reciprocity. Restricted repetitive and stereotyped patterns of behavior, interests, and activities, as manifested by at least one of the following: Encompassing preoccupation with one or more stereotyped and restricted patterns of interest that is abnormal in either intensity or focus. Apparently inflexible adherence to specific, nonfunctional routines or rituals. Stereotyped and repetitive motor mannerisms (e.g., hand or finger flapping or twisting or complex whole-body movements). Persistent preoccupation with parts of objects. The disturbance causes clinically significant impairments in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. There is no clinically significant general delay in language (e.g., single words used by age two years, communicative phrases used by age three years). There is no clinically significant delay in cognitive development or in the development of age-appropriate self-help skills or adaptive behavior (other than in social interaction) and curiosity about the environment in childhood. Criteria are not met for another specific Pervasive Developmental Disorder or Schizophrenia.

Damning links[edit]

The Parkway Safety Crisis Manual for 1997 (PDF) This manual, publicly available, describes in innate detail how to handle kidnappings, bombs, et cetera, not to mention disgruntled parents, which it suggests to offer them a cool beverage to sate their anger. Besides the fact that this is a serious security breach releasing this internal document for all to see, we also get to see the inner workings of the prison. HIGHLY RECOMMENDED!

Entering procedures[edit]

Due to the propensity of young whippersnappers to deal Oxycodone in the school corridors, the following devices are confiscated from all students and visitors to the building:

• Beepers (*unless with doctor authorization)

• Pagers (*unless with valid Certificate of Drug Dealing Activities)

• Rolexes (*unless politician on PR shoot)

Photography, videography, and cinematography are strictly prohibited without government authorization which may take up to 900 years.

All Tasers are allowed if they administer less than 700 Joules.

Forced reading, a.k.a., SDSUAR (Sit Down, Shuddup, And Read)[edit]

Due to the fact that kids "blow major chunks at reading" (Barbara Walters, The Wall Street Journal), prisoners at PNHS are forced to read using the latest Nazi techniques. "Dis reading technique will maeken dieses Students readen mache so! HEIL GRISHAM!" Students eyelids are forced open and shoved in front of back issues of Newsweek for 15 minutes every other day. "This ensures that our kiddies get the bestus edumacation around!" the Chief Warden said. "Yess! Have some Skittles!"

Frau "G" (pronounced "Gey")[edit]

One of North's most respected "instructors" is German instructor Frau G (the "G" letter in German is pronunced "gey"). When she is not listening to National Public Radio like "it's going out of style," she may or may not have a Boogie in Her Butt. She is known for her Iowan work ethic und making fun of Damn Adler. She was also accidentally paid an extra $200,000 in her salary (making her complete salary $200,004.61) but said nothing and I'll keep your secret if you do Frau Gey.

German class[edit]

The only foreign language offered is German due to a pact a doomed Joseph McCarthy made with L. Ron Hubbard. The pact below is the version that was presented to the Missouri Department of Education, which contains a glaring error:

Under no circumstances shall any language except German particuarly may be taught at any public educational facility under the supervision of L. Ron Hubbard. In exchange, L. Ron will donate one (1) First Class seat on an Douglas DC-8 jet to Xenu's Teegaack with an intergalactic walrus at the end of the world and L. Ron will make sure that McCarthy is not locked up in a mountain with an eternal battery powering a force field" (see Scientology).

Signed,

(X)

Joseph McCarthy, Chief Nazi Hunter, U.S. House of Representatives

(XXX)

L. Ron "Too Sexy For My Shirt" Hubbard, Science Fiction Writer Who Uses Too Much Vistaril While Publicly Raving Against It

Did you spot the glaring error? Well, the word "except" in the first line was originally an em dash but, due to a Microsoft Word mistake, was completely reversed in its meaning. However, this is the version that stands today and German still is the only language taught at PNHS.

German curriculum[edit]

The German curriculum is very multifaceted and encompasses many aspects of both ancient and modern Germany, including:

Nazis

Eugenics

• The Holocaust

Students are then showed the violent film Der Untergang (2004) which contains shots of bullets blowing people's heads open (which is fully shown on screen), along with such uplifting quotes such as:

Adolf Hitler: The war is lost... But if you think that I'll leave Berlin for that, you are sadly mistaken. I'd prefer to put a bullet in my head.

BMWs are also covered but briefly glossed over.

Grade "F-minus" cafeteria[edit]

The cafeteria is the only one in the civilized world to be rated "F-minus" by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. "This cafeteria sucks so much, I wouldn't let Hannibal Lecter eat there," DOH President and Food Industry Lobbyist Jack Abramoff said. "But the prices most def do not suck."

Most days the meal consists of:

• Slightly irregular pizza-shaped pie crusts with sauce and cheese-flavored plastic

• Monsanto fries (Warning: The Surgeon General has determined that smelling these fries may be hazardous to your groundskeeper.)

• Meatballs on stale bread.

That meal costs only $96.52, which would buy 96 and 52/100ths of a $1 Wendy's cheeseburger, which is at least edible.

Incompetence of technology computer resource specialists[edit]

PNHS can't keep their CRS'es. One of them left, another is taking a two-week hiatus and now they have the basketball coach in there, looking at eBay and reading John Grisham. Therefore, security is woefully incomplete. For example, this internal (but still accessible worldwide) Parkway site gives the administrative-access passwords out. This is the pinnacle of incompetence--putting your full access passwords out there on the WWW. Also, there is no such word spelled as "privledges."

Inspirational posters[edit]

The school is covered in inspirational posters. Here is a sample:

• "You never know how much you can chug until you put your money where your mouth is."

• "The man that never tries never loses."

• "No, you dumbass, I said I wanted this freaking iMac in BONDI blue, not just REGULAR VANILLA blue! You're fired! --Steven Jobs"

• "What the hell did you expect? World-class education? This is the same government that has you wait in the line at the DMV for 10 hours. Get real."

• "Ladue: For Me, And You!"

• "It is not the man with the best sportsmanship that wins the race. It is the one who cuts the most corners."

• "Never, EVER trust ANYTHING Michael Jackson says. NEVER! --Macaulay Culkin"

• "Where the hell is my check? --Medicare recipient"

Lowdown on the down low (D.L.), the[edit]

You can page the Chief Warden any time, day or night, via SkyPager toll-free 1-800-759-7243, personal identification number #4520-620. He lives at 2 Outer Forty Drive, St. Louis, Missouri, United States of America, North America, Western Hemisphere, Earth, Milky Way, Universe.

Mannazasssch Baker, the Cult of[edit]

Mannazasssch Baker, a "clearly loaded" (J. Lee) math teacher, has quite a cult following. "Put your pencils down now. And now put them up," Mannazasssch Baker said. "And get up and start doing the hokey pokey. DO NOT DRINK THE CYANIDE-LACED FLAVOR AIDE YET!"

Mannazasssch Baker drives a 1986 Mercedes SLK and is known to know "absolutely nothing" (A. Pesek) about binomial nomenclature.

Mascot[edit]

The mascot is the Viking, who is such a stellar example of what students should achieve. "When Vikings weren't operating brothels, they were raping and pillaging montasaries," principal L. Ron Hubbard said. "That is a fine example of what we want our young men and women to aspire to. HEY! IS THAT A HAT ON YOUR GøDFORSAKEN HEAD?!?! TAKE IT THE HéLL OFF!!!!" Apparently, during the course of our interview with L. Ron, he saw a student with a hat on the head, violating Missouri state law 6095230962390, which reads, in full:

Any student with hats, headgear, or other head-apparatuses may be treated with disrespect and must remove said object of head clothing within 14 fortnights thereunto and the onus on such vis á vis administrative activities shall circumnavigate.

Nazi librarian[edit]

Due to the outcome of the Supreme Court case Nationalsozialistische Deutsche Arbeiterpartei Maryland Heights Chapter v. State of Missouri, it has been noted that all unpopular religious groups shall, just like neo-conservatives, be given a fair opportunity to foist their wicked ideologies onto the minds of the young. Therefore, the Parkway Prison District hired a Nazi librarian, who roams the spacious library, chasing out readers of Tom Clancy.

"Verlassen Sie hier jetzt! Das Holocaust geschah nicht!" said one librarian to a quiet student reading Net Force. "Hören Sie oben! Verdammen Sie ihn!"

The Nazi libriarian has been known to be extremely volatile with a very high viscosity and melting point of 200 degrees Kelvin. You are advised to keep your distance and keep a Salonpas pad with you at all times.

Overall suckiness[edit]

Parkway North High School has been rated by Kiplinger's Magazine as one of the "Top 5 Suckiest Schools" (they were #2, after Haaarvard University). Cosmo Girl magazine reporter Kate Winsley said after visiting the school, in a Pulitzer-winning article:

Conditions are very bad. The toilets in the ladys baathrooms are overfloweing. And I ran out of roeming minuets. PLS SEND HELLP!!!! CALL COAST GUARD!!!!!

Winsley's body was later found, floating face-down, in the East River. Her Prada bag suffered only "minor injuries."

Per pupil expenditures[edit]

The per pupil expenditure per pupil is $4.19, not including Starbucks Frequent Drinker cards, which bring the entire per student expenditure to $5.12. Most of this cost is used to help subsidize Star Wars (the missile defense shield, and/or the Twentieth Century-Fox production).

Prohibited attire[edit]

The following "gang colors" are prohibited as they encourage gang membership:

• Red

• Orange

• Yellow

• Green

• Blue

• Indigo

• Violet

• White

• Black

• Grey/Gray

• Mauve

• Any combination thereof!

Any student found wearing clothing with the preceding colors or lack thereof will be expelled promptly and given a McJob.

Student pasttimes[edit]

Oh what is there to do at PNHS? Let me count the ways.

1. FALSE FIRE ALARMS. Though this page would NEVER encourage ANYBODY to commit a FEDERAL OFFENSE in pulling the fire alarm (OHHH! NOOO!), many hormone-infused Freshmen like to pull the fire alarm and go spend inordanately long times in the private third floor bathroom. "I just feel the pressure coming up to pull the alarm," an anonymous freshman said. "Then I got to go and do it! And it feels like you're exploding, but not really. And that's why I love to pull fire alarms."

2. SETTING TRASH CANS ON FIRE. The newest craze! Don't like the way "The Man" is keeping you down? Then these stupid asses just set fire to a trash can before they are sent to Juvenile Hall! AT MY EXPENSE!

The Aura of Singer, the the {sic}[edit]

Merle Singer, English teacher, is known for her no-nonsense way of teaching John Donne. "That John Donne sure is one sexy beast," Singer said one January morn. "I wouldn't mind 'Licence[ing] [your] roving hands, and let them go / Before, behind, between, above, below." She is married to a 19-year-old book reviewer for the St. Louis Post-Dispatch who sits around and reads crap all day and then writes crap again. See plagarism.

What "Accredited...with DISTINCTION" means[edit]

If you enter Parkway North High School, (see Entering procedures) you will see the slogan Accredited...with DISTINCTION plastered everywhere. The term acutually is a non sequitur; nothing can be accredited, which, by its very nature, is a distinction, and given additional distinction, on top of the already innate distinctuality of accreditation. However, Missouri state law clarifies:

Any and all schools/institutes of learning declared accredited with distinction shall from time to time release all personal and private student information to military recruiters without due process or any disclosure of hereuntho illicit Behaviour(es) therefore. Also, from Tyme to Tyme, the students in Aforementioned schules Shall recieve one (1) case of Kandy Korn per semester.

World class natatorium[edit]

The natatorium is the world's best natatorium, due to a technical error that no indoor pools are known as natatorii anymore and that this nomenclature is obsolete. It consists of one (1) Slip 'n' Slide donated by Mssr. Schmich and two (2.3) diving boards donated by The Wheel-Chair Racers Of Tucson, Arizona Local 319.

zzzzzzzzz[edit]

Several prominent sociologists have said that high schools are merely a social construct, that is, they exist solely to satiate senior citizens. "I hate those yungins," Theodore Branciekweitz IV said in an interview during commercial breaks of Matlock. "Always jumping and gallivanting, showing off their flexible spines! DAMN THEM! They cause so much crime and vandalism!" When asked what crime incidents were the direct product of youngins, Branciekweitz IV started shooting his Magnum. "Git off my propity! Git now; git!!" The idea that high schools exist only to consolidate all yougins with the propensity to violently rampage through suburbia is one most popular with George W. Bush.

Lies, Lies and More Lies (External Links)[edit]

Now with the advent of cyba space it is very important to distinguish that information which is not true from the information which is true or that information which most people believe to be true but is false and than information that most people believe to be false but that is true and that information which is kind of in a gray area somewhere between truth and Ohio.

Parkway North Official Site This site is supposidely the "Official Website of Parkway North" Steer clear of this one Its just plain propaganda. And those webmasters think they are soooooo coool with thier silly flash animations. Grow up.

Random School Stats Pretty good stats site except they forgot to rate the school 0/10.

Random Art Some Pomo art from the disgruntled stundent base.

Hockey or Something Some Random Thread about hokey rankings. An example of the chaos PNH causes worldwide.

MoBapp Participating SchoolsApparently the Parkway Prision District is colluding with other prisons at some sort of a Warden's Convention.

Map Use this map if you want to drive by the Prision and take pictures of the absolute horror from the safety of the "Private Library" across the street.