From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
The Parlophone logo £1 as designed by Salvador Dali & Moria Stewart

Parlophone is a British record label, whose main target market is now hard-of-hearing dogs. Until 1983 this demographic was the sole domain of HMV, but Parlophone's increasing dominance within the market, coupled with their understanding of the needs of canines with hearing difficulties, has made them market leaders.


Parlophone (French for 'talk-o-sound') was founded in 12222 by the re-animated John Lennon, who somehow remained unaware of his past self, possibly due to all the #-ish and other such hallucinogenish substances. It somehow fell back through time and landed in the People's Socialist Democratacular Republic of Deutschland in the year 652 AC, where it was a resounding unsuccess.

Fortunately, a series of coincidences led to its reappearance in Britain in the early 20th century, where thanks to its bizarre name it was a popular distributor of recordings of men with strange voices talking over white noise and piano-factory accidents.

Paranormal composer Frank "the Invisible" Wilson found this hilarious and promptly forced the deeply confused, reincarnated Lennon (at gunpoint) to record his new "Metamorphositions (for Several Violists) III: Return of the Minor 9ve". It was a great success, popular with pretentious and deaf people alike, and led to a great profit.

Its success made Parlophone the preferred record label for numerous other experimentally ill composers and musicians, right up until the 1950s, when they all murdered each other in the dramatic November 38th Massacre. It then returned to a state of complete normality, even releasing several pop songs several years earlier than intended.

Fortunately they were all recaptured.

Brand Controversy[edit]

In May 2001 Parlophone famously took the Bank of England to court over alleged copyright theft. Parlophone claimed that the Bank of England was willingly utilising the Parlophone logo on their "one pound coin" product. After six months of deliberations the Judge ruled in favour of Parlophone, awarding them substantial damages. The Bank has since changed the symbol on all their products to a Euro.

The Kylie Minogue unreleased album Twinkle Toes & Panty Hoes has become the stuff of legend amongst fans who seem to be willing to do anything to obtain a copy. In May 2007 an in-house CD-R of demos from the album appeared on eBay and after a nine-day listing fetched an astounding £1.2 Million from a private buyer in Bulgaria. Shortly after the sale on eBay demos from the CD set began to appear on the internet which forced Kylie's record label Parlophone to send a crack-squad of EMI's top-security team and the Police, who'd been paid off privately, round to the house of the Bulgarian fan where they proceeded to retrieve their Kylie collection in a bid to find out where the demos leaked from. This included questioning and bribing the fan in a series of unorthodox interviews where they threatened to play extended remixes of Sinitta tracks if they didn't get the information they were looking for. After 40 hours they let the fan go and after twelve months sent back their Kylie collection, accidently including all the demos they had initially hoped to remove all trace of. Four weeks later a copy of the demos sold on eBay for £22 Million and the head of Kylie's A & R at Parlophone, Liles Meonard hanged himself.

Bands on the Label[edit]

For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article about Parlophone.

Since the early 1960s, and the capture of Liverpool pop group The Beatles Parlophone has targeted little known domestic groups for release, providing an almost "underground" feel to their back catalogue.

Artistes signed to the label include:

See Also[edit]