Parmesan

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Parmesan (Pa, atomic weight 2.5436729934747903202%) is a rare element, a member of the active cheeses.It is infact so rare, that it has been determined to not exist, however recently speculation and polling shows that a large minority thinks it smells.

Nominally invented by Parmalat of Parma, Italy in order to convince wary investors to sink more money into the company and finance its out-of-control acquisition spree, Parmesan appears to be the rarest element on the periodic table or even the salad table.

First sought by Julius C├Žsar as a dressing for his famous and worthy salad, the fabled Parmesan has been lost to mere mortals for centuries. Parmalat's claims to have discovered this suspicious white powder therefore sent its stock soaring, but only briefly.

Search until the cows come home![edit]

Forensic accountants searching Parmalat records for any proof of the elusive Parmesan cheese report that the company and its records are nothing more than a mess of spaghetti and the meatballs in charge of the accountancy scam, upon milking the company for all it was worth, left a half-baked mess such as one sees only when there are too many cooks in the kitchen.

Underneath all of this pasta, all that was found was a colander which was leaking like a sieve. Not even a mouse-size crumb of Parmesan. The end result was a sharp decline in mouse-related stocks as cheesed-off investors everywhere from Disney to Mickeysoft pulled their funds out of the market. The big cheeses of Wall Street and of Frankfurt were even less forgiving of Parmalat itself, ultimately forcing the company into bankruptcy.

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The 12 Fundamental Cheeses
Cheddar
Cream
Fromunda
Jarlsberg
*Not to be confused with "Holey" Cheese
The 3 Noble Cheeses
*Also known as "Negative Cheese" or "Dark Dematta"