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Pasta comes from the Greek word for tasteless meal enlarger. In many modern cultures Pasta has been elevated to the stature of a super hero, fighting hunger and its ever present nemesis Antipasta.
Types of Pasta
There are many different shapes of pasta, the real names for which have been replaced by silly meaningless Italian sounding words. The true names of the different types of pasta are:
- Spiral thingies
- Big tubes
- Those ones in Mac and Cheese
- Stringy ones
- Paper pasta with lots of red sauciness, chunks of meat and creamy goodness (yum!)
The person who invented pasta was Lord John Pasta from London, England. He came up with the idea to create pasta when he was looking at the railroad map from London. His personal assistants were Tom Cruise (Who doesn't like to talk about it.) and The Burger King (Before he invented burgers.) Lord John Pasta later died in freak "sky diving" accident. An autopsy later confirmed that he had been under the influence of several hallucinogenic drugs at the time. He also failed to bring a parachute.
In the early beginning pasta was eaten without any topping. Until in 107 B.C. in the city of Sparta the legendary 'Red Sauce' was invented. Their leader Leonidas hated chinese food and was addicted to the reddish liquid. When chinese catering companies stole the supply of Red Sauce from the temple of Pastoina, Sparta declared full war on the People's Republic of China . After the war Sparta proceeded to develop even tastier toppings. Many cannibals choose to eat their pasta with a mixture of babys and ground beef mixed together.
Rigatoni, a underground movement formed around 1752 that held that God was a son of a chickenpenne. This was quickly squelched when the United Nations executed everyone who held that belief. Everyone who so much as suggested that God was a chickenpenne was immediately doused in gasoline and set on fire.
When the Pasta of Life was being distributed; (see The Loaves and the Fishes for details) Jesus's former worshipers cried: 'Oh, Pasta, mine Master!' and cast environmentally-friendly bio-degradable panniers of uncooked pasta into the air. God then grew very angry. He tried to sue pasta for the loss of his followers, calling it a "false idol" but the court, after becoming chronically obese from the excessive quantities of spaghetti bolognese and ravioli shipped in from Pastaland declared God fictitious and therefore ineligible for the rights of a court case. They then proceeded to construct great shrines to the Flying Spaghetti Monster, which are commonly called the Pyramids of Giza.
Satanists - dirty beasts which hide in holes and enjoy a questionable relationship with grues - like to hold that god is antipasta. This is of course, false, as God is far less tasty and does not (contrary to popular belief) asplode when He comes into contact with pasta. Nor should antipasta in any way be likened to Satan, though the two have been known to cheat at dice together on more than one occasion.
To few it is known that pasta is in fact very musical. As everybody knows, pasta originates from Italy, after they stole the recipe for spaghetti from China. The traditional custom of eating spaghetti with chopsticks was also abandoned, though a group of spaghetti purists have again taken up this tradition, among them Brandon Gilbert. Since all Italians like to sing (and everybody who sings has ancestors in ancient Italy), they made a lot of pasta that can produce sound. Famous italian singers include Eros Ramazotti, David Hasselhoff and Giuseppe Verdi. Not to forget the several singing Gondola Guys in Venice.
After the downfall of the Roman/Italian Empire, there was not much singing left in the European continent. Therefore the Italians created the musical pasta, to carry on the heritage of Italian music. The musical food soon conquered the world.
Famous musical noodles are the Maccaroni, for its squeeking sound while slurping it with excess amounts of tomato sauce. The Farfalle produces rhytmical flapping sounds, when spiked on a peg, and blown like a propeller. The worlds most musical Spaghetti were unfortunately eaten by two dogs in an italian restaurant. This tragic incident was recorded on film and put into an animated Disney feature.
There is a story that Scottish people, while being ejected from restaurants on the discovery that they have no money and are drunk, will regularly claim to have invented pasta. In ten thousand years of human civilization, this claim has never got them back inside the restaurant. This story is clearly bullshit, and probably just invented by a no good smelly English.
P.D.Q. Bach, the noted son of the Bach family, wrote for the Pastaphone in his famous "Four Folk Song Upsettings." (This is actually true.) This song cycle, popular in his day, was unfortunately obscured by his father's less inspired pieces, most of which were written for boring instruments such as the organ.
Isotopes of Pasta
Like cheese, pasta can in many different forms (isotopes) when found in nature.
- Pasta-46, has a half life of 2o bajillion gazillion years and causes cardiac meningitis.
- Pasta-45.456874567, is stable and is most abundant, it decays into radon.
|• • I T A L Y • •|
|Rome • Venice • Florence • Bologna • Kingdom of the Two Sicilies • Pisa • Vatican City • Paneveggio • Grimsby • Portofino|
|Alighieri • Mussolini • Berlusconi • da Vinci • Machiavelli • Michelangelo • Corleone • Vespucci • Boyardee • CheddarBBQ|
|Pizza • Pasta • Alfredo • Spaghetti • Worms • Genitalia|