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A pastor is a dude who runs a church and pasturizes the town's milk. These dual roles make pastors pillars of their communities, so much so that their deaths could lead to the collapse of the local church and ice cream parlor. It was for this reason that the Provisions for Pastor Protection Proclaimation (or C.A.R.E.) was passed by the Chief Catholic Church Caretaker (or P.O.P.E.) in 1587. Catholic pastors are invariably men, and are never called pastors, instead going by the nickname priest. This name arose from a Latin pun, which is believed to be the closest that they ever came to a joke. Several Protestant churches call their clergymen, and women, pastors. Readers interested in the nomeclature of the various denominations may look them up for their own damn selves. Pastors recently came into the news when, in an attempt to spread religion to Canada, without having to actually go to Canada, the church began operation of a 'Pastor Blaster' with an unprecedented firing rate of 20 spm (souls per minute). This, combined with an astonishing muzzle velocity of 560 m/s, allowed the quick conversion of hundreds of thousands of polar bears and their Canadians.

Notable Pastors[edit]

Notable pastors throughout history have included:

Murtolli Mazeratti (1345-1377) whose belief that intercourse with a virgin could heal the bubonic plague led the the birth of many and the death of even more. His popularity remains high near his home town, where an annual festival, Christmas, is held in his honor.

Richardo Da Vincini (1500-1579) prolific painter, was granted ceremonial pastorship over the uninhabited Manhattan Island, which he sold to a tribe of Indians for about $4 worth of beads, on which they would eventually make a 25% profit.

Fredrich von Regenheimer (1842-1898) considered by many to be the only pastor to have never sinned in his tenure. Also known for not doing much at all.

Leonardo Da Caprio (1997-2007) Literally born to play the role of Jack in the blockbuster Titanic, he will eventually fade back into the nothingness from whence he came.