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“Who let him out of his cage?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Patch

“I deny his existence. He is not my son therefore not my fault.”

~ God on Patch

“I'm not responsible dammit! I swear I'm not Osama!”

~ Patch on 9/11

“I have met him... What a shame... It was terrible.”

~ Anonymous on Patch

Patch is one of the lesser known creations of God at the beginning of time who ran and hid while other braver potentially more dangerous others lurked, such as Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee and Oscar Wilde. Equally Patch is the least favoured of gods creations said to be a 'playboy' with 'no future' and a "shady, checkered (not chess-ed)past".


Patch has achieved many things such as time travel, but all of these achievements were lost in the Great Time Travel War of 1871. Also, any evidence of 'Patch' existing are either really well hidden or don't exist themselves. Patch has saved the world seventy-four times but has never once been seen or heard. He apparently prides himself on the fact that no one knows he exists, but no one can be sure if he does because no one knows if he exists.

Public Speaking[edit]

Patch is apparently such a good public speaker that he once talked Jack Bauer out of destroying Earth. Others say he talked Chuck Norris into remaking the world. A few other people, mostly those on medication, claim Patch is a seven foot tall zebra with aspirations of world domination. Whether Patch agrees, disagrees or refuses to comment on this it is unknown since he has never been seen.


Patch claims to be trisexual as he says there is nothing more open then that in the current world. Despite this, people are still confused about how this is a known fact. Ultimately, Patch says he's willing to try anything from llama to cheesecake to woman. Recently he has been told what a trisexual is and is currently trying to get in contact with the news to clear this up. This is a relief to many people as they finally might get a picture of him.


This cat see's you. Can he see your invisible girlfriend too? YOU NERD

If you see this person and somehow recognise them the police are asking you to take a picture, get their contact details and phone the military. Patch could be dangerous, or peaceful, but it's not worth the risk of finding out.

He/she/it is believed to be wanted for rape, murder, terrorism, theft, grand theft auto (vice city), Satanism, Kitten Huffing and connections with Greenpeace


Patch is said to own a large number of cats or have an affinity for cats. He says he enjoys kitten huffing out of the kindness to the kittens he huffs and not for the after effects. Naturally the cats refuse to comment because no one is sure whether they exist, whether he exists or whether cats can really talk or if it was just a drug induced hallucination. Naturally, if you have a cat keep it safe from everyone at all times because Patch could be anywhere at any time as anyone due to a time machine. Patch may be lurking anywhere. He may look like

  • Your next door neighbour
  • Your best friend
  • The local police
  • Your children
  • Your pet dog
  • Your pet cat
  • You
  • That funny looking sofa with eyes
  • Those pair of feet at the bottom of the curtain
  • That awful dining set, I mean, what were you thinking? The colours clash with the living room.