Patrick Swayze

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“Patrick Swayze stole my pen, all my money.... and my heart”

~ Oscar Wilde on Patrick Swayze

“I used to beat him violently every day to get him to stop dancing, but no matter what he'd always leave the room doing the Harlem shuffle.”

~ Patrick's father
For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Patrick Swayze.

Patrick Swayze is a well-known entrepreneur, socialite and child-catcher. Starting work at the young age of 27, Swayze quickly rose to the top of the child-catching industry. He started a number of personal companies, many of them legitimate, and by the age of 28 had amassed enough wealth to retire early into the buzzing social scene of Bognor Regis. Despite the recent scrutinizing media coverage of his personal life, mainly regarding his support of Heart-Eating and his related criticism of psychiatry, he remains a child-catcher of worldwide renown.

Early Life[edit]

Swayzes Father - The Choker

Swayze was born a Macadamian farmboy at the age of 5, maintaining his parents' land and cattle after they left for France to "Get some frits". Life was hard for young Swayze - maintaining a small farm is a difficult enough task for any child, and it was made especially hard for him as the farm was built on a small Australian nut. It would have been even harder had the Australian minded, but fortunately he was a very laid-back kind of guy.

Soon enough though, and perhaps fortunately for Swayze, the farm was wrecked when a cow trod on the nut and the Australian, who had been driving at the time, crashed into a kookaburra. Seeing that the farm was a lost cause, young Swayze set off for the city of Banswara, chasing his lifelong dream of becoming a cockney firestarter.

Unfortunately, Banswara isn't in Australia. After five years of wandering the outback, Swayze was forced to concede defeat and boarded a boat from Canberra harbour, bound for London. London was, as Swayze himself said at the time, "A poor place for cocker-knees like me, young jack sparra me lad".

As many immigrants did at the time, young Patrick became a child-catcher. He rose through the ranks quickly, through a combination of determination, ingenuity and looking good in a skirt, and became head of Kiddy Katcha Korporation within three days. From there, Swayze had a source of income with which he funded his numerous business ventures.


Captain Steamo[edit]

After numerous semi-legal companies involving the transportation of nuns for use as fuel, Swayze saw that a clean source of fuel was desparately needed at the time. In 1996, when Swayze came to London, the majority of the city's electricity was supplied by the (highly polluting) nun engine. Levels of piety in the streets were at an all-time high, and dozens were falling to religion every day. In the bright, glowing streets, Swayze saw an opportunity not only to earn money, but to save Society. Though Steam Power had been proven, hypothetically, as a viable source of clean energy, no-one had yet had the cojones to start up a station. There was also the problem of where the steam would come from. Swayze came up with a solution that was as elegant as it was effective - he kidnapped some red-faced guy and threw him in a swimming pool. The red-faced guy, a Greek Cypriot named Bellos, was rebranded 'Captain Steamo' for advertising purposes, and it is generally accepted amongst historians that it was this canny piece of advertising which began the Twentieth Century's love affair with steam power.


But, inevitably, the Twentieth Century's wife found out about steam power and kicked him out of the house, eventually replacing him with the younger, richer Twenty-first Century, while the Twentieth Century drank himself to death and stood outside his old home at nights, crying.

There were new technologies for the new century, and none of them as new as the Internet. Seeing this new wave of information technology and really twisted porno, Swayze knew that he had to get in on the action. Unfortunately, however, he had been banned from using computers after he had.accidentally hacked into the Pentagon in his lunch break several years before. This left Swayze with but one option - to invent something that sounded like the Internet, but was less useful.

Tar had been in use for several years by now, mainly for diguising people as chickens, but so far no-one had even considered covering fishing nets in it and sticking keys, notes, small children and babies and other interesting or important gew-gaws to it. Swayze's new invention took London's high-life by storm, as stupid posh people who couldn't remember where they'd left the servant with their wallet or phone were in desperate need of such an item. Stupid Posh People invested in Swayze's new product at an astonishing rate, and Swayze made over a squillion pounds before he'd even picked up his first tar brush. Real number profits were soon to follow.

In promoting his new product, Swayze had mixed with the most inbred of England's aristocracy, and had developed a taste for being smarter than the rest of the room put together without even trying, so it was understandable that this was the time he chose to retire. In 2007, almost a century after the founding of the Order of the Holy Templars and mere weeks before Swayze celebrated his month's retirement milestone, Swayze retired to a house, a very big house, in the country, da-nah-nah nah nah nah.


Swayze's retired life was, if anything, even less eventful than his working one. However he has, in more recent times, become more active. He now gets up in the mornings, and sometimes puts on a dressing gown.

Swayze has notably been a supporter of several charities and similar organisations. He is well-known for his support for the Gay Lefts Movement which, along with its sister movement the Gay Rights Group, campaigns to slide homosexuals from side to side. (Note: the Gay Lefts Movement is not to be confused with the Gay Lifts Movement, which campaigns to move homosexuals up and down and against which Swayze is fiercely opposed.) Swayze contributes regularly to many charities, notably VOCCSL, the Victims of Child Catching Support Line, and Nuns Down on Their Luck, the organisation founded to help nuns put out of work by the advent of non-nun based electricity.

So what's in Swayze's future? Hopefully breakfast. Maybe eggs. Mmm.

Swayze is currently working on a solo music project with Kanye West, the working title of which is "Shut up cracker", presumably to tap into the Christmas market.

There are rumours of other projects in the pipeline. Though Swayze has starred in a number of shit films in the past, he has often expressed interest in directing. Swayze is a personal friend of Hugh Grant's second cousin, and has recently been spotted often talking to Hugh Grant's cousin, so naturally there are many rumours that Swayze and Hugh Grant's cousin are working on a film together, or that Swayze has a film and that Hugh Grant's cousin has agreed to star in it. Swayze himself has refused to comment, and when asked if he wanted a free paper, Hugh Grant's cousin said "No thanks."