|Warlock of the Ancient Society of British Magicks; Light Entertainer|
|Grand Paul Daniels|
|Position||'Big Willie' style|
Staff of Titus
|Serves||Her Britannic Majesty,|
Grand Council of Ancient Society Of British Magicks
|Seeks||Witches with GSOH|
|In it for||kicks.|
Sir Paul Daniels is a television wizard from post-Medieval Britain known for his modesty and stature. Initially more famous for his hilariously-obvious wigs and shagging his assistant (the "lovely" Debbie McGee) he became a household name for revealing the dark arse of warlock magick on British television (with the help of the "lovely" Debbie MacGee) in front of millions of astonished and appalled nominally-Christian viewers in the 1980s. Now that it is the 2000s and political-correctness from Brussels has meant that all Britons are pagans his show would not be considered so shocking.
Sinister Life Story
Daniels was born Paul Daniel in Surrey sometime in the 19th century. His mastery of the dark arts was apparent from an early age when scoldings from teacher would cause lightning to explode from Paul's eyes, striking the tetchy teacher dead. His powers were noted by the Ancient Society Of British Magicks who bestowed-upon him the right to end his surname with an "s". Although Daniels has the title "Warlock" in the ASBM he prefers the more "general" title of "Wizard" in his day to day life: "Warlock has sinister connotations and sends a chill down the spine" says the bald magician, "But since I often work with children, I prefer to call myself just "wizard" which is homely and comforting thanks to the like of Dumbledore, even though he's a queer." It was a mere step from this honour and power to primetime exposure on BBC1.
Sir Lord Daniels is known primarily for inventing every magick trick known to mankind including the cup and balls, the balls and cup and the cupping your balls trick. He also invented sawing a lady in half with his enormous weapon, vaninshing any object conceivable and walking through a pile of mugs, also known as the "fooling the Directors of the BBC into giving you so many tv series that really were crap" trick.
Paul's first foray into television was the late-night TV classic Paul Daniels' tragik Magick Show. This show has become notorious as the most occult TV show since Pebble Mill with Aleister Crowley. In this show, Daniels demonstrated his dark powers by creating a golem copy of Jeremy Beadle and loosing it on the astonished audience as well as summoning things too horrible to be spoken of here. Despite the considerable controversy created by this show (including the Archbishop of Canterbury demanding that "the BBC's sinful studios be doused in holy water!") it gave Daniels his foothold in the British light entertainment clique and allowed him to move onto what he'd always wished he could be doing during his long, cold nights in forgotten graveyards: gameshows!
Daniels was soon hosting Out Odd Ones, Every Second C*nts and the "phantasmagoric" Wipedout. So ubiquitous was Daniels' hosting of gameshows, in fact, that people often forgot he was a wizard first and foremost. He soon put a stop to this by occasionally throwing fireballs from his fingertips at stroppy contestants or audience hecklers.
In 1987, Daniels returned to magic proper and hosted a controversial Hallowe'en magic show one-off in which he performed the "sawing the lady in half" trick on then-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Half-way through the act, a shocked-looking Daniels watched bright-red blood spurt from one of the two "halves" and the screen went black whilst the floor manager was heard asking the audience to leave. After the following programme Daniels appeared again to confess the whole thing was a trick and that Thatcher remained alive. The BBC were barraged with complaints from viewers who claimed they were "shocked", "sickened" and "traumatised" by the revelation that Thatcher was still alive.
In 1988 the now Sir Paul (see below) returned with Sir Paul Daniels All-New Necromancy Show, an early Saturday evening family show where Sir Paul re-animated the corpses of famous celebrities who joined him for some 'banter' and performed classic routines. The show only ran for a single series, however, as the audiences were frequently sick at the smell which permeated the studio and the fifth show in the series had to go to the testcard after the grinning cadaver of Fred Astair attempted to tapdance in a rotting old top hat causing "pieces of the late entertainer to fly everywhere".
He later moved into children's television with Wizbit, a jolly romp about a Lovecraftian horror which invaded the lives of a group of children. Daniels contribution was to rap on the theme tune about how Wizbit could "do magic, magic, magic"; it was quite tragic, tragic, tragic.
In December 2009, Sir Paul (for it is he) suffered from chest pains and was rushed to hospital. Sadly he survived the ordeal.
Daniels career was set in stone after performing a number of delusions on his TV specials.
In 1982 the great Sir Lord and Lady Paul Daniels (for it was he), made a Learing Jet vanish. 'I circled it with my ego, and it just vanished' said Daniels after the show.
In 1983 he flew over the Grande Canyon (an 'all you can eat' themed pub) in Buckinghamshire while the great 'I'm a Lady' McGee (for it was she) wailed "Holding Out For Heroin" in the shower. Sadly the wires holding him in place didn't snap despite the best efforts of Ali Bingo Bongo-Bongo to sabotage the act and Daniels arrived safely, joining the McGee for a quick soap-up and some glue to stick his wig back on.
In 1984 Mr Daniels (for it was still he) predicated in advance the winning numbers of the Chilean National Pottery Draw. Mr Daniels won a nice glazed vase now on show in the Magi Wizbit Museum for Inflated Egos. Mr Derren Black, a rival magikican urged the Daniels not to get all the numbers right, but Paul Daniels' hearing aid had broken and he didn't hear a word.
In 1985, Mr Viscount Sir Lord Daniels (yup still him) decided to take a break. "All these delusions are exhausting." he said, mopping his bald head with a dirty napkin "Some magicians can get away with doing a routine with a cup and a ball for half an hour while taking the piss out of the audience. However, I wouldn't dream of patronising my audience. It takes minutes to come up with some of these TV specials". He was however honoured by the Council of Unified National Talent for services to Lame Game Show History.
In 1986 Sir Paul Daniels (knighted for services to syrup of figs), won a lifetime achievement award from the Carshalton Beeches Circle for Delusions of Grandeur and was never heard of again.
During the darkest '80s, Daniels married his assistant, the lovely Debbie McGee, with whom he had been enjoying predominately-natural physical relations for many years. McGee revealed that on their first date she had tried to ruffle Paul's hair only for his obvious toupee to come off revealing his bald plate. Daniels attempted to cover this up by declaming "Now that's magic!" which made McGee laugh uncontrollably because she is insane.
Despite his fame, fortune and amazing wizard skills not everything was glorious for him. Between the years 92-98 he solidly leapt around his underground lair exclaiming "Look at me I'm half man three quarters cat!". He has acknowledged that it probably wasn't the best way to spend time but still remains fond of cats.
Despite no one actually asking him to, Daniels insists on regaling the world with his opinions.
“I can't stand them, bloody tramps. Sometimes they try and grasp at my starched white cuffs when I'm stepping into my limo and make cards fall out. I've tried asking the police to shoot them but they just look at me as if I'm crazy.”
“She's nominal head of the Ancient Society Of British Magicks. I basically have to do anything she says, even if it's degrading and sexual”
“I'd like to refute the accusations in The Sun that I said 'I was the greatest magikician in the world'. Unfortunately I can't refute it as it's true.”
“That mad fucking witch! And she is a witch! She actually holds that title in the ABSM, several levels under "warlock" I might add; that means she has to make me tea when she comes round. Which is never”
“Jesus was just a cheap conjurer, it's all a lot of bollocks. Except Cthulhu, of course. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu!”
Things Paul Daniels shouts during sex
- "Say "Yes, Paul"!"
- "You'll like this, but not a lot!"
- "Now that's magic!!"
- "It'll all be over in a jiffy."
- Probably. To be honest, we're not sure. He could have been born in Zimbabwe for all anyone knows or cares. His father is thought to be the famous magick trick man David Nixon of Dock Green. Wizards are secretive about their origins.
- This golem has never been captured and destroyed although it's rumoured that it was acquired by ITV's special agents and used to replace the actual Beadle for several episodes of You've Been Framed. It's said you can tell the golem "because of the join at the neck".
- This was an error which gave the game away for some viewers - Thatcher, of course, has pitch-black blood
- Oh, all right, there was a bit in each episode where Daniels would pop up to do a cheap parlour trick and then chuckle "now that's magic!" but do you think that added much to the programme? No, neither did our panel
- It stands for Columbian Broadcasting Station Brilliant Bastard Coffee
- First prize, not being executed