Paul Daniels
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| Warlock of the Ancient Society of British Magicks; Light Entertainer | |
| |
| Grand Paul Daniels | |
|---|---|
| Classification | Bald Warlock |
| Position | 'Big Willie' style |
| Weapon | Debbie McGee Staff of Titus Manganese-Dihydro-Phosphorous Golems |
| Serves | Her Britannic Majesty, Grand Council of Ancient Society Of British Magicks |
| Seeks | Witches with GSOH |
| In it for | kicks. |
“Not a lot!”
~ Debbie McGee on the contents of Paul Daniels' trousers
“That's magic!!”
~ Paul Daniels on Viagra
Paul Daniels is a television wizard from Britain, but not a lot. Initially more famous for his hilariously-obvious wigs and shagging his assistant (the "lovely" Debbie MacGee) he became a household name for revealing the dark arts of warlock magick on British television (with the help of the "lovely" Debbie MacGee) in front of millions of astonished and appalled nominally-Christian viewers in the 1980s. Now that it is the 2000s and political-correctness from Brussels has meant that all Britons are pagans his show would not be considered so shocking. His catchphrase[1] is "Not a lot!"
Contents |
[edit] Sinister Life Story
Daniels was born Paul Daniel in Surrey[2] sometime in the 19th century. His mastery of the dark arts was apparent from an early age when scoldings from teacher would cause lightning to explode from Paul's eyes, striking the tetchy teacher dead. His powers were noted by the Ancient Society Of British Magicks who bestowed-upon him the right to end his surname with an "s". Although Daniels has the title "Warlock" in the ASBM he prefers the more "general" title of "Wizard" in his day to day life: "Warlock has sinister connotations and sends a chill down the spine" says the bald magician, "But since I often work with children, I prefer to call myself just "wizard" which is homely and comforting thanks to the like of Dumbledore, even though he's a queer." It was a mere step from this honour and power to primetime exposure on BBC1.
[edit] Television
Paul's first foray into television was the late-night TV classic Paul Daniels' Magick Show. This show has become notorious as the most occult TV show since Pebble Mill with Aleister Crowley. In this show, Daniels demonstrated his dark powers by creating a golem copy of Jeremy Beadle and loosing it on the astonished audience[3] as well as summoning things too horrible to be spoken of here. Despite the considerable controversy created by this show (including the Archbishop of Canterbury demanding that "the BBC's sinful studios be doused in holy water!") it gave Daniels his foothold in the British light entertainment clique and allowed him to move onto what he'd always wished he could be doing during his long, cold nights in forgotten graveyards: gameshows!
Daniels was soon hosting Odd One Out, Every Second Counts and the "phantasmagoric" Wipeout. So ubiquitous was Daniels' hosting of gameshows, in fact, that people often forgot he was a wizard first and foremost. He soon put a stop to this by occasionally throwing fireballs from his fingertips at stroppy contestants or audience hecklers.
In 1987, Daniels returned to magic proper and hosted a controversial Hallowe'en magic show one-off in which he performed the "sawing the lady in half" trick on then-Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher. Half-way through the act, a shocked-looking Daniels watched bright-red blood[4] spurt from one of the two "halves" and the screen went black whilst the floor manager was heard asking the audience to leave. After the following programme Daniels appeared again to confess the whole thing was a trick and that Thatcher remained alive. The BBC were barraged with complaints from viewers who claimed they were "shocked", "sickened" and "traumatised" by the revelation that Thatcher was still alive.
He later moved into children's television with Wizbit, a jolly romp about a Lovecraftian horror which invaded the lives of a group of children. Daniels contribution[5] was to rap on the theme tune about how Wizbit could "do magic, magic, magic"; it was quite tragic, tragic, tragic.
[edit] Private Life
During the darkest '80s, Daniels married his assistant, the lovely Debbie McGee, with whom he had been enjoying predominately-natural physical relations for many years. McGee revealed that on their first date she had tried to ruffle Paul's hair only for his obvious toupee to come off revealing his bald plate. Daniels attempted to cover this up by declaming "Now that's magic!" which made McGee laugh uncontrollably because she is insane.
[edit] Opinions
Despite no one actually asking him to, Daniels insists on regaling the world with his opinions.
“I can't stand them, bloody tramps. Sometimes they try and grasp at my starched white cuffs when I'm stepping into my limo and make cards fall out. I've tried asking the police to shoot them but they just look at me as if I'm crazy.”
~ Paul Daniels on the homeless
“She's nominal head of the Ancient Society Of British Magicks. I basically have to do anything she says, even if it's degrading and sexual”
~ Paul Daniels on the Queen
“That mad fucking witch! And she is a witch! She actually holds that title in the ABSM, several levels under "warlock" I might add; that means she has to make me tea when she comes round. Which is never”
~ Paul Daniels on Anne Robinson
“Jesus was just a cheap conjurer, it's all a lot of bollocks. Except Cthulhu, of course. Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu!”
~ Paul Daniels on religion
[edit] Things Paul Daniels shouts during sex
- "Say "Yes, Paul"!"
- "You'll like this, but not a lot!"
- "Now that's magic!!"
- "It'll all be over in a jiffy."
[edit] See Also
[edit] Footnotes
- ↑ Which also sums him up
- ↑ Probably. To be honest, we're not sure. He could have been born in Zimbabwe for all anyone knows. Wizards are secretive about their origins.
- ↑ This golem has never been captured and destroyed although it's rumoured that it was acquired by ITV's special agents and used to replace the actual Beadle for several episodes of You've Been Framed. It's said you can tell the golem "because of the join at the neck".
- ↑ This was an error which gave the game away for some viewers - Thatcher, of course, has pitch-black blood
- ↑ Oh, all right, there was a bit in each episode where Daniels would pop up to do a cheap parlour trick and then chuckle "now that's magic!" but do you think that added much to the programme? No, neither did our panel
