Paulie Gualtieri

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No caption necessary. Just observe the hair.

“What's black and white and crawls up my ass at every opportunity?”

~ Tony Soprano on Paulie Walnuts

Peter Paul Paulie Walnuts Gualtieri (aka Captain Wingtips, The Badger, or Uncle Junior's secret lovechild), born 1944, is a New Jersey-based criminal with long-standing ties to the Soprano family. He is renowned for having an impermeable dye-job hairstyle with his trademark delicate splashes of silver on each side, located just above the ear.

Biography[edit]

Paulie was born to a Ms Marianucci Gualtieri-oh no, wait, no he wasn't, it was actually her sister, the NUN- after a quick shag with some sailor named Russ. He grew to be a feared mobster, notably fracturing the skull of a New York City cop with the aid of a skillet. When asked by the nice sergeant at the station why he had done the bad thing, 4 year-old Paulie replied "Cos your sister only sucked me off twice last weekend. What is she, on her period? Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Tony tells Paulie he wants to wean him off breastfeeding, after 65 years at the teat

Paulie followed this up by blowing up a bus filled with African-American schoolkids, kicking the teeth out of Shane MacGowan's mouth, ordering a hit on Pope John Paul in 1980, scolding a newborn baby with a jar of glycerine, attempting to destroy the Twin Towers by ramming them with a tractor, and earning the trust of Tony Soprano by strategically placing his tongue on the cusp of Tony's arsehole, always ready to lick.

His relationship with Tony is notable for Paulie's childlike need for Tony's approval, his insistence on repeating his 'jokes' for Tony's benefit, his love for paintings of Tony, in the nip, usually on a horse, and his word-for-word repeating to the rest of the crew of whatever banal comment Tony makes to him in private.

Wings[edit]

Paulie, top, with a Charles Bronson 'tache

In 1972, a struggling Paul McCartney looked to re-establish his floundering music career after being kicked out of The Beatles and replaced by Eric Clapton (who was subsequently kicked out himself, for banging George Harrison's mother). McCartney created a band called Wings and recruited Paulie Gualtieri to play keyboards. The band's name and the nature of Paulie's hairstyle were unrelated coincidences. Paulie is credited with writing the song Mull of Kintyre and therefore, with saving McCartney's career. Who wants to hear the likes of Hey Jude anyway? Not me.

Personal life[edit]

Paulie's deep hatred of man, woman and child, coupled with his random "Heh-heh! Heh-heh!" outbursts, have resulted in a largely solitary existence with no prospect of marriage or children (thank God). Paulie instead acts as a parental figure to his younger friends and associates, until they reach the age of 13 and outgrow him intellectually. Paulie did once shag the Spanish nurse out of That Hospital Show, but the relationship quickly turned sour after Paulie tore all the plants out of her garden, shoved them through the kitchen window, and assualted her 1 year-old nephew with a tyre iron (the child did not survive). He also liked to do impersonations of Dr. Evil in bed, and liked her to be Fat Bastard.

People killed[edit]

Even the Terminator doesn't compare to this merciless killing machine.

Also, when Paulie became aware of the death of Heath Ledger, he was deeply saddened and sent a flower arrangement to his funeral.