Pedestrian

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A pedestrian is a subspecies (Homo sapiens doofus) of regular ordinary humanity (Homo sapiens automobilus) that have, through thousands of generations of selective inbreeding, lost their ability to drive.

Pedestrian behavior[edit]

Pedestrians often congregate inside cities in staggering numbers, and are known for their inherent inability to utilize crosswalks and signal-for-walkies buttons. Due to the ravages of millions of years of natural selection, thousands of pedestrians will often follow, purely by instinct, in a lemming-like way, a designated alpha pedestrian across multiple lanes of high speed rush hour traffic, in the apparent hope and/or unfounded belief that 1) the alpha pedestrian, by sheer force of will, is perfectly capable of staring down hostile and irritated automobile drivers who have actual jobs, and 2) there is apparent safety in mindless herds.


Pedestrian survival tactics[edit]

Satan, when not buy peoples souls, occasionally attack cyclists.

However, in spite of their extremely erratic, irrational, and/or self-endangering behavior, pedestrians are remarkably difficult to actually hit with a moving vehicle, due to their unpredictable motions and uncanny skill of blending in with their immediate surroundings, in spite of wearing the most ridiculously bizarre and ill-fitting multi-colored clothing imaginable. The usual result of this typical daily process is dozens of near-misses per hour where the motor driver repeatedly makes untorward remarks about the pedestrian's alleged ancestry, and the unthinking pedestrian waves a cheery middle finger in return.

Scoring system[edit]

Normally, drivers will tally their pedestrian hits to show off to fellow drivers. The following is the most common scoring system, in case of a tie.

  • Base score: 1 point
  • Babies: triple score
  • Crippled babies: quadruple score
  • Toddlers: double score
  • Chavs(England)/Wiggers(U.S.A): +5 points, additional +3 for each piece of sterotypical clothing.
  • Old People: double score (Zimmer frame +10, Wheelchair +8, Flat cap and/or pipe +12, Generally funny-looking +10)
  • Clowns: +8 points, additional +3 for unicycle.
  • Minority: double score
  • Hikers: double score
  • People who don't look before they cross: +5 points
  • People who can't tell the difference between a road and a footpath: +7 points
  • Roadworkers: +5 points for each man 'supervising', +20 points for the one man actually working.
  • Walking a pet: +1 point
  • French-speaking: +5 points
  • Non-natively French-speaking: additional +10 points
  • Looks like Scott Bakula: +5 points
  • Is Scott Bakula: +60 points and a pat on the back
  • Wearing bright/clashing colours: +5 points
  • Carrying shopping bags: +N points, where N is the number of meters the bags travelled
  • Downies or various other infiours: OVER 9000!

Additionally, if there is any debate of who made the "hit" or of the exact age or identity of the pedestrian, the two arguing parties must strip down to their shame and battle to the death, Kirk vs. Spock style. Whoever remains alive loses the debate, and gets a -2 constitution modifier.

See also[edit]