Pen

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“The pen is mightier than the sword... only if the sword is very very small... and the pen is very very sharp.”

~ Plato on the Pen

Pens are hella kewl. Seriously. In fact, fourth sector reports this year confirm that they are amongst the five most used implements by modern rappers. Oscar Wilde was right, you know; the pen is TRULY mightier than the sword. The pen can kill a swordfighter any day, and then bitch-slap its own mother the next.

Internal Structure of the Pen[edit]

A pen is made up of four (4) sections:

  1. The Eye is the most deadly part of the pen, capable of punching holes in even the the strongest of stainless steel. The eye of the pen was discovered in 1975 when it was used by Stephen King to kill George Washington.
  2. The Verdant Limit is the centre of the pen, and is the only known cause of cancer.
  3. The Barrel is the main section of the pen, and is used as a container of powerful poison. This was used by space aliens to make Lamingtons to seel to Earth.
  4. The Poptop is the cap of the pen, and has recently been discovered to be electric in nature, causing instant death upon touching. Please visit pen island.com for more details.

Pens, re: Justice[edit]

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia think they have an article about Pen.

Taking a pen to justice really isn't the gravy train it's made out to be. You'll need hops, yards and a hella lotta cool. You may even need counselling. But one thing's for sure, and that's that the world of Justice becomes a damn scary place when you introduce it to pens, and pen-related items. When assaulted with a pen, make sure to report it to the proper authorities.

Then there was this one case, in 1962, when a mass suicide of butchers led to the incarceration of the then Pen Justice League, sentenced on three cases of Missing Apostrophe and two hundred cases of Allowing a Pen to Commit Mass Suicide. It was the single greatest football moment since old John Paul won the twelve sixty-two with a stolen iron finger.

Pens and Bacon[edit]

You might think pens have nothing to do with bacon, but you're wrong twice over. They have everything to do with bacon. Stop fucking around. And they have nothing to do with ham or any other form of pork, just bacon. Bacon comes into play when you need some inspiration when writing with a pen, like when you're deciding on what food your character will eat, you'll say "OMG he can eat BACON" and you'll know right then, it was BACON that gave you that idea.

Pen 15[edit]

The pen 15 is a variety of pen which utilizes mainly yellow ink (though sometimes the ink may become tinted with red. Should one's pen 15 begin to produce red ink, consult a doctor or calligrapher. It may produce a thick white ink at times, but it is hard to produce, and, like a bad ballpoint, one must usually shake the pen 15 vigorously to make this ink come out.) It is great for writing on hard-to-write-on materials like snow or the establishment. Unfortunately, the pen 15 tends to belong to only men and some shemales. Women instead possess a fountain for the pen 15. Dipping one's pen 15 into this fountain is an easy way to produce the aforementioned white ink.

The Deployment of Pens[edit]

Many people (mainly French) are confused about the actual deployment of the pen to form Bokanovisk Literdatisms, or letters. The pen should be wiped cleanly on a piece of toast. Afterwards, you should drink Ribena, and yell at the top of your voice the Hallsworth Football Anthem in a Portuguese accent. The words should instantly become legible and neatly typed up on this website. Diaphragm included.

Pen pic.jpg

Pens: In Closing[edit]

So, in closing, only grouch what's good for you. Seriously.

Think about it[edit]

If pencils came first, and pens came after, then how come the word pencil is an extension of the word pen? Think about it. Hm, I guess this is why: The guys who invented pencils were really innovative and thought up a really nice name, then the lazy bastards who invented the ink ejaculatory device could not think of a good name, so they just took the name of their main competitor and pressed backspace three times.

Think about it more[edit]

Who names things, I mean, what kind of word is pen, why couldn't pens have been called "kalics"? Think about it. More.

See also[edit]