Penguin Punting

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Penguin Punting is a sport originating in New Zealand in which contestants place penguins on top of their feet and hurtle them off cliffs into piles of fresh sea lion crap. Numerous attempts have been made by the SPCA to ban this sport, but then decided not to because it was actually quite fun, especially if one has had a hassle with a rowdy penguin.


Penguin Punting was started one day when an ornithologist was working in New Zealand, researching the behavior of birds. The ornithologist had collected blood samples from females, marked eggs, and was ready to see the mother penguins give birth, when a particularly aggressive male penguin ran up to the females and chased them away. The ornithologist, bloody well ticked off, thrust her hands around the male's neck, placed him on top of her foot, and punted him straight off a cliff into a gift left by a sea lion. The startled penguin climbed out of its crappy home and swam into the ocean. The ornithologist decided to commercialize this event, and so Penguin Punting then became a competitive sport.

Rules of the Game[edit]

There are a number of rules pertaining to Penguin Punting, which are listed below:

  • You may not actually kick the poor penguin. Place it on your foot so that it it leaning its back against your shin.
  • As the penguin must not be harmed, make sure you punt it into a pile of sea mammal dung, or just straight into the water.
  • The farther you punt the penguin, the more points you get.
  • The person who has the most points in the end loses for being cruel enough to take part in such a malicious sport.