Pershore

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“Fer Sure!”

Pershore (from Ancient Egyptian per = very far away from any) is an off-licence trading estate found in the middle of France. There are only 5 recognisable inhabitants (among them Osama bin Laden, Richard Branson and Bill Gates), and 10000 pubs.

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Pershore.

The River Avon[edit]

As a result of the vast alcoholic resources available to the town, a river (sponsored by the Avon Ladies´ Institute of ´67) was installed in 1985 to channel the excess flow of beer away from the main residential area towards Tewkesbury, where the unique mixture is ciphoned off and sold to American tourists. One unfortunate side-effect is that the ducks in Pershore are all pissed, and refuse to eat anything but peanuts and salt´n´vinegar crisps. Yep!

Pershore High School[edit]

Situated almost in the middle of the main alcoholic trading estate, this can be a scary and often violent place. Students find refuge from their drunken teachers only in the nearby Scummerfields. It is rumoured that the teachers never leave, instead go into the supply closets at night to regenerate...this has never been proved, but is still a popular theory.

The Purple Side vs Future Orangists[edit]

  • Although the sobriety of the school administration has come on remarkably in recent years, for a long time the school had to be painted a dark purple in order to minimise the effects of early morning hangovers. The science department was given a special dispensation from Emperor Krier II to paint a limited number of walls green, as a result of their research into headache cures, which are to be tested on marine earthworms under the guidance of the world´s leading expert in this area, another High School resident, Dr Pritchard.

In recent years, a growing party of Future Orangists (´The future´s bright, the future´s orange!´) led by former Wolves player Clive Corbett, have been attempting to repaint the school in brighter colours (mostly Blond and Sapphire). They deny all involvement in the assassination of Emperor Krier II, pointing out that his unfortunate attempt (ending in his being pecked to death by razor-toothed geese) to ascend into heaven on the back of a humpback whale could only have been the work of the Roman Catholic Church, known to support Extremist-Purplists, who were dissatisfied with Krier´s leniency towards the science department.

Mr Arch, leader of the Krier-Greenist resistance party and promoter of Mr Sheen Hair Products, vows revenge.

Mr Entwhistle on the other hand - was somewhat corrupt and since being sacked has been hanging out in some of the dodgiest places you possibly could; along with homosexuals and very random gnome. Chris Wild and Russell Webb once nicked some from Mr Bentwhistles and his partners home.

Apparently - he wasnt at all amused.

In the end so much colour had been thrown at the school that it decided itself that it wanted to be blue.

The pupils weren't amused.

Pershore Abbey[edit]

The centre of Anglican life in France, this church was initially dedicated to Saint Mary the Virgin, but later this was modified to Saint Mary and Saint Eadburga. The reasons for this are shrouded in mystery. Today´s Reverend Kenneth Crawford has so far declined to comment.

The building is thought to house the relics of St Eadburga, the patron saint of washing machines and football socks. She is suspected to have been the first promoter of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy, as evidenced by its role in promoting co-operation between the Abbey and the two other Perscoran religious establishments, Holy Redeemer Primary School and the Baptist church. The former has recently come under investigation after it was discovered that it was merely a cardboard cut-out of the nativity scene, and linked to the highly dangerous Catholic Alliance Française Of Derrorists (CAFOD).

Pershore Abbey is also of course - THE place to have a local chav wedding. What with the local council estates and inbreds - it is guaranteed to be an eye opener of an event.

Without Pershore Abbey - Pershore would somehow - not be the same.

Other Remarks[edit]

Tourists are advised not to enter Pershore without a team of at least two bodyguards. The local Air Cadets, also known as the ATC (Attack The Children!) provide such services at a cost, but are prone to attract rival Army Cadet attention, which could prove lethal. In any event, neither group can be contacted at present because their activities and speech processes are all too confidential.

  • Fenian Bog Trotter says: -

I wasn't worried about coming to pershore high school until I heard about the six fingers and webbing. hwere i come from six fingers is a minimum requirenment as you would lose a couple in the first few weeks at work?

See Also[edit]