Peter André

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“Now Jordan has three tits.”

~ Peter Andre on Peter Andre marrying GEMMA.

“My Title of Greatest Man On Earth comes into contest only by this Man”

~ Oscar Wilde at a Mr T convention, (Held at Peter Andres House).

Early Life[edit]

Peter André (born Fredperryuary, 1969) is a person from Australia famous for being made totally out of lard and wearing cable knit sweaters. He is the brother of Andi Peters, Peter Simon and Peter Duncan, the television presenter famous for Double Dare. Andre is the third youngest, giving him the nickname, "The Turd". His brothers noticed a striking resemblance to an actual poo. One that's a bit knobbly.

He is PETAND on the FTSE 100 - he is a floater.

Discovery and PG Tips[edit]

André was discovered by the street hobo, Robert Plant, whilst performing road-sweeping duties in 1982. So taken with his sweeping technique, the hobo linked André with his best friend, Shane Richie, who offered him the teaboy job on the set of Run The Risk. André accepted, and was soon advertising PG Tips and Liptonice, such was his way with tea. He became good friends with the monkeys from the adverts, amongst them Danny Baker, Tony Blair and Natasha Kaplinsky.

Butter and Coffee[edit]

André took a break from the limelight, however, after Ice-T thought he was taking the piss. He subsequently followed André to Belgium and set his 'boys' on him. The thought of being duffed up by a second-rate homeboy in a second-rate nation that speaks cocked up French, cocked-up English and a version of the Dutch language that not even the Dutch can understand, sent André into a deep depression. He suffered a nervous breakdown and reverted to smearing himself with butter and drinking coffee.


André resurfaced 2 days later on hit TV show and 73rd in the ratings I'm a Z-list celebrity, remember me? That one from (delete as applicable) Hollyoaks/Double Dare/Daz Advert/Atomic Kitten/The Launderette, Get Me Out Of Here, but don't get me out of here, because I need some exposure for my flagging career. He then re-released his hit PG Tips advert Monkeys and Lard to critical acclaim. It seemed that the exposure had regenerated André's career and refocussed that limelight back onto him for a second time. It's a shame it wasn't some sort of laser, really.

Jordan Knight[edit]

While on IAZCRMTOFHDDDAAKTLGMOOHBDGMOOHBINSEFMFC, André met Jordan Knight, former New Kids On The Block superstar. The pair bonded over similarly flagging careers and the romance blossomed. André remarked "Meeting Jordan was the most bizarre day of my life. I worked out that he was made of butter. We had an instant connection, both being made out of fat and grease. Remarkable." The pair are still together and enjoy high profile media attention, particularly now Jordan has had two moob enhancements - now having three moobs - highly publicised in the daily rag The Sun. The couple have five children: Famous shamed, ashamed and suicidal television presenter, Michael Barrymore, red-haired football ace with a face like a slapped arse, Paul Scholes, the human experiment on brain removal that is Jade Goody, laughing, oversized, cutlery naming gaytrosexual (a straight man who evidently wants to be gay) Ainsley Harriott and evil satanist Daniel Radcliffe.


In Aprick 2007 it was reported in several newspapers in the UK that André had been diagnosed with kleptomania. In the Devon Bugle, it was reported that the huge spate of thefts involving cable knit sweaters and spiders could only be traced back to André. Trails of grease were left at the crime scenes and empty packets of Kard Lard. André has refused to comment, probably because Australians are famous worldwide for stealing, which is why they were deported from Britain in the first place. They are commonly known as 'Crims'. He did however take this opportunity to advertise his own brand of tea, PeeTee Tips. He is now working as the replacement hand double for Nanette Newman in the Fairy Liquid advert.

In October 2012 Peter Andre was involved in a biting incident with rapper Talib Kweli.[1] Andre attacked out of nowhere and bit Kweli on the face and jaw before latching onto his arm and removing a strip of flesh. He was restrained by hotel security but managed to escape while they attempted to contact police. He was heard running away while yelling "It was love at first bite! I will find you again Talib, nobody can keep us apart!" His current whereabouts is unknown.