Phantom Brave

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Phantom Brave
Phantom brave.jpg
Developer(s) Nippon Ichi Software
Publisher(s) Mircosoft Games
Engine Genie
Release date(s) 01 January 2020
Genre(s) Sexual RPG
Mode(s) Suck Face!! Age Of Empire II
Rating(s) 18+++++++++++++++
Platform(s) PS4
Media(s) MP3
Input Dual Shock Me!! Shock ME!! Arggghhh!!

“I GIVE YOUR 3/5!! Because Ash rape Marona!!”

~ P.IGN

“This is Fuckable!!”

~ Overlord Laharl

Phantom Brave, a decidedly less-than-fortunate game-child of Nippon ichi, was released shortly after its groundbreaking success, Disgaea: Hour of Darkness. Phantom Brave stars a young girl, Marona, and her best friend, a Pokemon Trainer known as Ash Ketchum. Phantom Brave was a healthy, bouncing child when it was killed in a testing period of the "free-cursor" movement system, which was unfortunately glitched. Its predecessor, Makai Kingdom, went on to carry the torch for the project.

Prelude[edit]

Ash Ketchum had been friends with Misty and Brock for a long time. He was there at the birth of their child, Marona, and was out on another Pokemon-catching quest with the two, leaving Marona at their home on Phantom Island. This particular adventure's aim was to capture Ghost Pokémon in Saffron City. What they did not know was that the city contained large amounts of Sulfur in the air, particularly in the form of a large demonic skeleton torso. The sulfur killed Marona's parents but, due to the combined efforts of the Planeteers and the Atlanta Braves, was unable to completely kill Ash, causing him to become a phantom. He later returned to the island and delivered the news to Marona, who decided to completely forget that her parents had been Pokemon Trainers (or "breeder", in Brock's case) and become a Chroma in their footsteps.

Chromas[edit]

A Chroma is a type of hitman who, instead of only killing people, also kills problems. Around the world, people decide to stop whining about their problems and write down their whines on a note. They then send a living bottle, preferably one of Olympic backstroke status, to deliver the message across the ocean to any Chroma they may have heard about. The Chromas are paid for their services in experience points and gold coins. Some work in guilds, usually with people that have their same race, characteristics, and stats.

Chroma hunters are bounty hunters who attack chroma and steal their problems, which they then frequently drown in wine. They also steal the gold, but reclaiming stolen experience points from them usually isn't a problem.

Chromas, Chroma Hunters, and Planeteers alike frequently call upon magical words to help them power up. In most Planateers' cases, the words are such things as earth, fire, wind, water, heart, and Earth, Wind, and Fire and almost always result in the unfortunate summoning of Captain Planet. Chromas and Chroma Hunters, on the other hand, call upon colors and adjectives. Only the most common colors are used, in order to be efficient. Among these colors are chartreuse, burgundy, and heliotrope.

Marona[edit]

Marona is the 13-year-old child of Brock and Misty. At a young age, her friends discovered that Marona could talk to spirits and phantoms. While small children were jumping and the chance to meet Danny Phantom even like to watch The Michael Jackson Show contain high sexual phonographic with little kids, many grownups assured their children that they would take them to see Danny Phantom at the local mall. Their real motivation, however, was fear. The married couples each had a fear of Marona's ability to speak to phantoms, as she could most likely use it to speak to their dead mother-in-laws and relay the message that all mother-in-laws are always saying: that they want to come over for the weekend. In fear of Marona's powers, the grownups spread rumors that Marona's father was from the Pokemon anime. This instantly spread disgust through the children, who were now big boy anime. Their was no remorse, therefore, when the adults forced Marona to move to Phantom Island in the center of the Bermuda Triangle. And due to the fact that everyone hates the Bermuda Triangle, she was ensured a lonely and despised existence.

Fortunately, Marona had Ash's phantom to help her through this existence. Also fortunately, the Bermuda Triangle was the habitat of many phantoms of people, monsters, and ironically ghosts whom the Bermuda Triangle was still in the process of chewing. By talking to the ghost of Amelia Earhart, Marona is able to summon these phantoms and form a fighting team.

Phantom Island[edit]

Phantom Island is the island Marona has been banished to. In her exile, she enjoys luxuries such as a palm trees, a tiny house, a Capsule Corp. submarine, a mailbox for all her hatemail, and any other random thing she can think of to summon onto it, including phantoms, items, weapons, scenery, and sand. Typical inhabitants of Phantom Island include:

  • Ash- The main character. Control him, and you control the universe.
  • Marona- The other main character. Good for talking to if you need to summon or discharge just about anyone or anything. Jumping on her for damage is also encouragable.
  • Merchant- Sells things for gold and sells gold for things.
  • Healer- For a fee, she will make sure all of your health bars aren't uneven anymore. Doesn't that annoy you?
  • Alchemist- Also called Fusionists or Edward Elric. Have the power to take two crummy objects and fuse them into one object twice as crummy. Good with flower arrangements.
  • Title Master- Capable of bestowing titles upon your characters, items, or scenery. Examples of such titles may include Sir Ash of Great, Lady Marona of Erotic, or Sir Dead Tree of ???.
  • Dungeon Monk- A monk who practices Dungeonism. The dungeon monk reaches a state of nirvana upon meditation, which requires gold. These places are randomly generated dungeons with various traps such as slippery floors, summon restrictions, ridiculous numbers of floors or ridiculously high levels, and Income Tax. They fight well with such esoteric tools as phonographs and treasure chests.
  • Witch- Possesses mystical, arcane abilities unparalleled in all of the magic world. Their conjuring skills have no known match. Will rearrange your skills for you.
  • Cameos- Not as much fun as camels, the cameo character possesses only the ability to throw one-liners at you. But they're still sweet digs,d00d.
  • Other characters- These characters throw much more impressive three-liners at you. The average three-liner consists of phrases such as "I think I'm falling for you", "They don't love you like I do", and "Have you played Rhasphodia?". As time progresses, your characters hate you more and no longer feel like talking.
  • Monsters- These creatures want to kill you by singing. Kill them first. Preferably before they reach level 100.
  • Amelia Earhart's ghost: You will be forced to control this character if you let Ash die more than he already has.
  • Objects: Any rocks, trees, palm trees, starfish, swords, axes, hourglasses, etc. that you summon to the island. Pick them up and beat somebody with them using the R2 button!'

The Story[edit]

Marona is lounging around, smiling while Ash shakes his head in pity, when she gets a three- time-gold-winning message to destroy a werewolf that is impersonating Raphael of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. After the werewolf is sufficiently terminated, Marona continues to be scammed and repeatedly flamed. Marona gets some more jobs and most people still hate her, except for a rabbit or two, a member of the Braves known as Scarlet, and her handicapped friend Castile. She has various run-ins with a Chroma Hunter named Walnut Murasame. As the story progresses, Marona makes more friends by saving everyone's tails numerous times, yet she continues to receive hate mail from one person. This person, named Cauldron, formed the ironically-named Maronakins Fan Club and continues to shark her to this date. Also in this club are Mr. Canary and a couple of people you see for two seconds.

The main conflict begins when an unusually high level of Sulfur appears in the atmosphere. Signs of sulfur are everywhere, and people begin to choke and die from it. Sulfur's avatars appear and kill people as they are attached to congressmen's letters and sent as a poisonous substance. Captain Planet has become corrupted by Sulfur and continues to hunt for the source of the Sulfur, capturing any traces of it in his giant soul-sucking knife. As Marona is drawn into the conflict, she earns the chance to prove to everyone that she is not a freak, but instead a freak capable of repeatedly saving their tails. Together with the help of Ash, some guys, Walnut, Castile, Captain Planet, and a really awesome sword, she is able to confine Sulfur to Resident Evil, where he belongs.

Other characters[edit]

  • Castile- Castile, also known as Kari of Digimon fame, is a handicapped girl who Marona finally settles on as the best lover she's capable of meeting. Castile uses a wheelchair known as the Dark Runner Z2. She learns to talk to Putties, small leaf-creatures, and using sign language convince them to open a gate to Resident Evil, where Sulfur is sent. Her ability to control Putties may be where the phrase "putty in my hands" comes from.
  • Walnut Murasame- Walnut is a cyber-newtype from the Murasame Newtype Labs. He pilots a mighty robot known as the Psycho Burgundy Gundam. Utilizing his emotions and thought processes, he uses the robot to destroy Neo Hong Kong and steal the missions of every Chroma living in the city using his Mega Particle Cannons and R & B Junkie powers. He is actually Castile's brother, who his parents disowned when they joined the A.E.U.G. Normally sour, he has a soft spot for Castile and secretly sends her all of the gold and experience points he makes, which is why he is always ridiculously easy when you are forced to fight against him or with him. The strain piloting the Psycho Burgundy Gundam exerts on him is tremendous, and he has developed heavy drinking habits from the stress. He gets his leads from a persimmon robotic owl known as 'Big Ear'. Always seen with a newspaper, Big Ear would rather read the newspaper than drink.
  • Sulfur- An evil element capable of pwning anything it comes into contact with and turning anything into zombies. Usually takes the form of a giant floating skeleton torso, it has the power to issue many court summons.
  • Count von Carmine- A rabbit from the Atlanta Braves who doesn't hate you. He does, however, hate giant ice golems and liers, and particularly giant ice liers.
  • Scarlet of the Braves- The Braves' only female player. Has a prosthetic leg in place of the original, which was bitten off by a purple rabbit mechanic. Doesn't hate you.
  • Cauldron- A shark who hates you forever because you wouldn't come with him on his Hawaiin cruise.
  • Mr. Canary- A mystic who wears purple and yellow pajamas. Is also a founder of the Rare Animals Against Marona Association. Needs h-h-help saving the volcanoes.
  • Laharl- Shows up to try to beat the living daylights out of you for not knowing who he is. He gives you an efigee of himself so he can go back to being the president of his own underworld.
  • Mid-boss- Also known as Vyers. Hohoho, Merry Christmas.

Things to Do in the Game[edit]

DO

  • Save the world
  • Reach level one-thousandy-hundred-billion
  • Get an hourglass and a candle
  • Keep looking for random dungeons until you find one that makes a dirty four letter word
  • Show the guy at the end of the dungeon who's boss
  • Beat up any character from any game who shows up
  • Play Makai Kingdom instead
  • Rub a magic bottle at a construction site
  • Give your island "Fung-Shway"
  • Get the soundtrack

Things NOT to Do in the Game[edit]

DO NOT

  • Throw a Prinny
  • Use a real weapon
  • Make a Funguy
  • Actually do something other than exploring Random Dungeons
  • Throw your friends off the stage
  • Laugh at Marona. Cry. CRY FOR HER. IT IS SAD.
  • Give ATK skills to your alchemist
  • Eat the bread
  • Tell your friends the soundtrack says "doo-doo" over and over again
  • Play Makai Kingdom instead
  • Play Ar tonelico instead
  • Let your Dungeon Monk die without saying goodbye
  • Expect the unexpected
  • Jump on your healer's head
  • Give Marona the title "Erotic"

Further notes on Phantom Brave[edit]

Do not expect to see another Phantom Brave game. EVER. Do, however, expect to see Disgaea 2 and Disgaea 3 and the anime and the manga, and the two Disgaea remakes. If your fingers taste like Phantom Brave and you cannot get rid of the urge to lick them, buy the soundtrack or reach level one-thousandy-hundred-billion on Makai Kingdom. Do, however, expect to see Walnut in Soul Nomad and the World Eaters.

See also[edit]

Grand Theft Auto
Games
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore